New Year thoughts

For the first time in my life, I face the new year with apprehension ... not quite trepidation, as I have no fear for my future. Hold on a minute - could these words have similar meaning??? Oh well, sounds fancy enough.

I say apprehension, because I am definitely not looking forward to chemo and the after effects (if there are going to be any) that is going to take the best part of 2010 from me, but I am quite excited for the new year. I always am. Despite how many times New Years Eve celebrations have resulted in disappointment ... you know where you feel you are going to have the party of your life because "it is compulsory to have fun on New Years Eve". This disappointment however has never waned my anticipation and excitement.

For 2010, I somehow have this "knowing" that all is well and will be the best part of my learning experience that will end well. I'm just not so sure how much of the physical journey I am going to enjoy before I reach that destination. But being open to everything that happens to me (including the pain) puts me on a new level of teaching. We all know that saying "when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive"

KNOWING is so powerful when you realize you have passed the threshold of "hoping".

Because I have spent the last 2.5 months concentrating on ME and MY health, it has put me in that place of appreciation for myself. The place where you can nurture the gift of "self-love". I mean I even have no problem purchasing creams that cost R400 to massage my breasts every morning. But what I am really talking about here is internal self-love where I want to do nice things for myself and stop being so harsh on myself - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Sadly, I have always had the defect of being egotistical and arrogant - but there is a huge difference with these characteristics and knowing something about yourself that you are truly proud of or can learn to be proud of. Having an ego actually is the complete opposite - to me it shows some kind of insecurity that is trying to be covered up by pig-headed-ness.

My self-love awareness and aim almost feels like a clean slate, a fresh place to start anew ... what a place to be for the start of a new year. One thing I KNOW for sure is that my dreams will definitely come true as I am the creative artist in this thing called MY LIFE, but my HOPE is that everyone I know will experience the same KNOWING where their dreams manifest into reality - and it all starts with YOU. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE (.)(.)

Still here ... with hair

I have not had much to say in these last couple of days simply because there is nothing to say. Life has been good to me and I am really just enjoying the "rest period" that this time of year provides. A time to reflect as well as get bored.

I have not had any urgent feelings of wanting to get ready for the New Year. You know those feelings that come about when we start feeling guilty about too much rest. The feelings that force us to busy ourselves with preparations, goal-setting, new year resolutions. In fact, the goals I set earlier this month for next year are more than likely going to change - but I am in no hurry to commit as to how.

My mom's visit together with not knowing how I would feel after chemo made sure the lack of plans equated to "forced rest". Sure, the normal "cabin-fevered" irritations and arguments have prevailed, but under all of that it has been a time for me to experience many "threshold crossings" in my life. Many of which are happening in the privacy of my thoughts and ... might I add ... being confirmed with a lot of stuff that I am reading. So synchronicity is still a notable factor in my life.

All I can confirm is that I am feeling peaceful and grateful for the journey I have embarked on - and my journey is not only about breast cancer. It has kinda given me the opportunity to experience faith first hand (.)(.)

Still a medical miracle

Have had absolutely NO "real" symptoms from the chemo. I also still have all my hair that I was supposed to start losing from day 7 - Friday. I won't be shocked if I still lose it, but I also won't be shocked if I DON'T!!

I have never felt more healthier than I do now. I believe it is a combination of things. The extra bit of healthy food I am feeding my body. The prayers and healing energy sent from around the world. The love and support that I feel from family and friends. My own spiritual, prayer, meditation and visualization stuff I am doing.

I am also enjoying and getting more out of my mom's visit than expected. We talk most nights until early hours of the morning and I have been given a new perspective on how much more she did for us as kids than what I already knew. This is a huge eye opener and blessing to me.

I am under no illusion that things could get worse as I go along, but hey I am enjoying each day as it comes. I also can't wait to hear what the doctors have to say about the symptoms they predicted - that have missed me thus far (.)(.)

From the mouth of babes

I had a touch of morning sickness today. I am convinced that it is food related though - after all, I did help my mom cook last night. This does sound a bit "denial-ish", but the fact of the matter is that as fast as it came, after a pill, it went.

So from the mouth of babes. In order to see where Jordan is at with all this, I asked him if he caught a fright when I came into his room.
"Why?" he said.
"Because of my short hair"
"No Mom I didn't catch a fright"
"Does my hair look funny" I pressed
"A little freakish" he casually said with a bit of disinterest as he looked past me to the TV with that "Move" sigh-expression. He must have picked up on that word from a bit of eavesdropping.
"How do you mean freakish?" I asked
"Well, that haircut looks like it belongs on me, not you. Your face is a little big for that haircut, my face is little"
"Oh ... okay then" :-) He really does want that haircut doesn't he.

I've read up on what it must be like for children his age to go through this unwanted experience with a loved one. They simply don't understand it. Even though they might sit with their own little thoughts of confusion of trying to figure things out based on their limited understanding, they can't help but express themselves in that normal 9-year old self-centered way. Not being able to go on a play date, or have that new toy becomes more important to them than what we might be going through. It is not a case of insensitivity, but it is their coping-mechanism to have things normal and understandable.

Thankfully, Jordan is his normal self thus far. His experience has only been based on what we have told him of things to come. Even with this though, I have seen a notable compassion in him. He has always had this quality, but the notability comes with little changes like not being too rough with me when we do the rough-play thing.

Tomorrow is his day. We could not have planned a day any better than having family around for lunch - he just loves it. We should take a leaf out of our children's book by enjoying the most basic of all things - family. Everybody sits with unpredictability for the future, so Christmas to me is a day to just treasure what we have NOW. After all the consumerism that Christmas has become ... doesn't it all boil down to this in the end - enjoying the day with those you love.

I'm not sure when I will post next, but during this time, my thoughts are not only with the people that are with us, but all those who I wish were with us too (.)(.)

From Grace to Sir

Feeling somewhat naked today - in more ways than one. We did the big haircut thing yesterday. Although we tried to put a bit of style, it ended as a number 2ish haircut in the end. Hil, Jordan and my Mom say they like it, but I can't help wondering if they are just being kind, as I do catch a fright every time I catch a glimpse in the mirror. Sometimes that mirror is not of the glass variety either. I am comforted by Jordan's approval though, because it would be impossible for him to lie via this non-glass mirror.

I guess like most haircuts, I will get used to it in the next few days - but by then, it will be time for it to fall out. It appears to be more emotional for me than I had anticipated. Although I suspect the hair is just the catalyst for this emotion.

Apart from the emotion and the huge fever blisters I now have, there have been no other apparent symptoms. I get fever blisters all the time though, so I am doubting that this is a symptom. I feel sometimes that what I am experiencing (in terms of lack of symptoms) is almost miraculous. I also can't help thinking that maybe it would be easier just to be sick, people would know how to handle and understand it better. But then again, it is not me to just lie down and play dead. I look for the miraculous in everything, even though I don't understand it half the time.

I am so glad that I have another avenue to vent ... my private nightly inventory/journal. I have discovered that most of what I am feeling is based on my own unrealistic expectations. Expectations always end up as disappointment, but it is my own doing. All said and done though, there is always the opportunity for change and growth in times like this. Every disappointment I am experiencing now, I am guessing, has to be part of my healing process.

If I didn't go to that journal last night I would have missed needing to go for my 7-day post-chemo blood test tomorrow.

We were sitting by the pool yesterday morning having our morning tea. Hil was trimming the tree that I was sitting under. Next thing, this pigeon flys straight for my face. My God, if I didn't duck, I would have been Uno-eye. It hit the wall with such impact and fell to the ground. She composed herself and flew off before the dogs realized the game was on. All she was trying to do was protect her nest. Why attack me though, I was doing nothing!! The ferocity of a mother will never cease to amaze me! The bird opened my eyes to it with my own mother and with me as a mother. Sometimes we don't even care or think about hitting that wall with full force when it comes to our children.

It's raining today ... we already did movies yesterday - saw Invictus - Brilliant and a nice dark place to let the tears fall. So today, I'm thinking maybe some indoor games with my boy ... WII, Uno, Puzzles ... perhaps Monopoly (God forbid) - it's Jordan's favorite because he always wins. Jordan just loves having a family and being part of a bigger family other than just Hil and I, so he is very happy to have his Granny here (.)(.)

You may call me Grace

After waking up this morning with no symptoms from the chemo, we reflected on how amazing the latest technologies must be since Hil's sister and Rhona's chemo days. Nausea has not even come into play with me. The conversation between Hil and I went something like this:

"How are you feeling?"
"I feel normal, no symptoms, great actually"
"It's amazing how things have improved since Marcia and Rhona's days"
"I also think I am amazing, don't you?" I said
SILENCE
"Yes" said Hil "Your name should be Grace"
LOL
"In that case, my eyes are a little watery so I won't be able to make tea" I ended wanting to have the last word, as always.

My mouth is very dry but I found a little "popsicle" recipe in that book from Shelley that will alleviate that. It sounds healthy as well as delicious, so I might try my hand at that today. All this water I am drinking makes me feel bloated. I'm back to looking like I am 6 months pregnant.

Check out the small bag of tricks filled with love that I got from Thea - very special.

I think today I am going to go for a spin on my scooter. My boy wants to get his hair cut ... aah no man!! So I might need to do that too. Sandra ... Jordan is doing the Paul Davis thing on me where he pulls his fringe over his eyes and says "look, I can't see".

Then of course, my haircut ... I might put mine off until tomorrow though. I also think that I might just get a very short styled haircut and not the number 2. Just in case this "Amazing Grace" is 1 in a million who doesn't lose her hair - nothing like dreaming hey? (.)(.)

DREAMER on the MOUNTAIN = My ORIAH story

Living in Blouberg, which I think directly translates to Blue Mountain from Afrikaans to English kinda makes a nice creative title to how I want to write today's post. And God knows how I need to dream today, and writing is my "feel-better and alive" tool.

I have had no major symptoms from the chemo. A little miffy in the head, but not much more than one normally feels when waking up. My eyes are a little watery, but nothing major. I have the most incredible appetite and am always hungry and thirsty. Must be the steroids. I hope what I take in turns to muscle and not fat ... isn't that what steroids are supposed to do? Somehow I doubt that all the melted cheese I am consuming without exercise will turn to muscle though. I have also started getting that bad taste in the back of my mouth. This is another reason why I like to eat ... it takes that taste away. I am also very conscious when I kiss people "hello or goodbye" that they will smell my bad taste.

I have been extremely weepy and emotional, and I am sure it is too early for the menopause to have kicked in. Just wiping my watery eyes made me suddenly jolt up and think "don't do that, the eyelashes might fall out". I have been told that I more than likely will lose my eyebrows and eyelashes because of the strength of chemo I am on. Hil is the one person who can't hide how she feels to me, so I have told her that I will know how freakish I look just by the look on her face. The pressure, the pressure!!

Anyway back to the story that makes me see what I want to see. The Grace of God. So where did I get to? I was saying that I had only started doing something about my writing aspirations earlier this year. Since I committed to writing, it was almost uncanny, yet totally believable (and now expected) how the synchronicity of events have shown me I was on the right path. The doors kept opening to confirm this.

I’ve been on a formal writing course, did another on my own, have joined a writing circle that came to me quite amazingly. I was thinking one morning to form one and when I got to my office, there was an invitation to join one. Then one day, when I was at my weakest point in my addiction recovery, whilst visiting the Maynard Food Festival (with all the beer tents around), I found a book tent. Out of a million books, I found this one book that was asking to be bought because of its title. It was called "Finding my Gift". I had no idea it was a South African Author, I merely wanted to see different styles of writing. To cut a long story short, within 2 weeks that Author was my writing mentor.

I related this very story to a friend of mine adding at the end - "But you know me, this is a practice run for me – I’m now going to aim higher in terms of mentoring and make contact with my biggest unseen role model – Oriah". Only because I had to do a writing exercise on what impact my favorite author has had on my life.

As things turned out, the SA Author-mentor fell away and Oriah had no electronic presence at the time for me to find her. Except becoming a fan on some Facebook page, which (as I learned from her FB invitation to become her friend) did not belong to her. So it wasn't like a big grandiose thing that Oriah found ME, it was simply an admin error. But isn't that just how God works? The timing couldn't have been more perfect though.

The circumstances are a bit different now. Contact is not on the mentor side, but hey ... who knows what the future holds. Right now, I have had many personal messages from her, she wrote something on her wall about me that created some 50 odd comments around the world of support and prayer, and I feel blessed. That's enough for now considering the seeds I planted earlier this year. And God knew when I would need it most.

Yesterday, our special friend Charlotte, came to wash all my dishes and is now cooking us a sunday roast chicken ... spoilt, spoilt, spoilt I am, I am. And boy is my appetite ripe for it.

To hell with this "hair-emotion". I have decided right now that I am going to have all my hair cut off tomorrow. I will post a picture if it doesn't look too freakish (.)(.)

The scoop on my first Chemo experience

I can't wait to finish up my Oriah Mountain Dreamer story, but because this blog is about my breast cancer journey, let me first get that experience out the way.

As I mentioned yesterday, my day already begun with excited feelings of Oriah and the support that she has created around the world for me. Then it was added to with the surprise visit from my Mom. She took the 10 hour night drive from P.E. with my new found cousin George (whom I have never met). By 6am my house was like a railway station. Charlotte arrived with a hug and a special goodie bag from Thea, which I will write about on another day - with photos. Then it was the dustbin men wanting their Christmas bonuses. Jordan's ADHD kicking in with the added excitement of seeing Granny. The dogs playing their part in the excitement and fighting for attention. My word, you would think it was Christmas or something.

I couldn't help feeling "held" and strong on the way to the hospital. On arrival though, everything started going downhill for me ... unfortunately. My "counseling session", wasn't quite that. It was with a locum oncologist who told me nothing new to what the nurses were to tell me. Cost R220 upfront. I didn't even understand most of what he was telling me. I am sure it is a case of "the higher their education, the more difficult it must be for an oncologist to explain in lay-man terms what those big words he was using means".

Arrival in the chemo lounge. Heart pounding through my ears now. It was packed to capacity with patients, even this time of the year. Patients were mostly bald, some on the way to losing their hair, some wigs, ME full hair. It definitely felt like "Spot the mistake ... Virgin!!!" Mostly all were over the age of 60. The sister was very compassionate to the extent that I found myself biting my bottom lip to fight back the tears when she asked if I was okay. I was scared shitless, but was trying not to be. I succeeded though ... no tears.

I wasn't very comfortable as everyone around me was speaking Afrikaans and I couldn't even eavesdrop on their conversations. I was tempted to do what my sms suggestion from Thea said "just drop a fart and see what happens", but I was bursting for the loo so a "bietjie bang" I would wet my panties. You can tell I was in there too long, I'm even writing Afrikaans now.

Then came the dreaded needle - which is not quite a needle, but a plastic tube that goes through the hand vein (i.e. more painful). I bloody well cried spontaneously like a baby and everyone was staring with that "Oh Boy!!" expression. Thank God Hil was there to hold my hand. She was crying too. I think I made the pain worse by not being relaxed. The nurse explained to me that it was important for me to be relaxed as the vein contracts which makes it more difficult for the needle thingy to connect. "Calmettes" were suggested for my next round. I must say though, my veins look pumping and received a lot of compliments. Fancy that, being complimented on good looking veins. Hil was only allowed to stay 10 minutes at a time, so I was mostly left on my own with a roomful of sad, sick-looking strangers. I hope I don't look like that when I become part of the furniture.

I couldn't concentrate on reading, writing or even watching the cricket. My mind was in overdrive trying to stay calm. I must have had that "deer spotlight look" on my face as the sister told me to turn away when she put the RED DRIP in. Thank God I didn't try the fart thing and wet my pants, because my wee was RED after that.

I tried striking a conversation with the woman next to me after about an hour, it definitely didn't help when her story was "I was in remission for 5 years, had a mastectomy and now it is back in the bones, liver and blood". Fuck!! Won't try that again in a hurry.

The procedure took all of 3.5 hours which was a relief. I couldn't wait to get out of there but was a little pissed off when the pre-drugs I should have taken an hour before had still not arrived. The script for it was sitting in my file and could have been ordered 3 weeks before if I had known it was there. The chemist couldn't get clearance from the medical aid as they couldn't read the fax. Cost R700 upfront for 3 pills ... or wait longer than the hour we had already waited. To make matters worse, the instructions for these drugs are in Afrikaans.

I was told of all the common symptoms that I could expect. A lot of them were new to me so it didn't help the calm. Cancer cells are active. Chemo attacks all active cells which is why I knew about the hair loss. But then there might be black nails, mouth ulcers, metal taste for 8 months ... so everything is going to taste like a door knob now - goodbye french kissing. I might put on weight and look bloated with the steroids and cortisone - oh man, many many more that I don't even want to think about right now.

I also have to phone every time I experience something so that they can monitor my first round of chemo. So obviously I am on full alert now and have noticed how the imagination starts playing a role - especially as I am very rarely sick. I was a little drained and exhausted when I got home so tried taking a nap from about 4pm. I woke up sweating and thinking I had a fever until Hil reminded me that it is summer and I did have the duvet on me. I think I felt miffy with nausea and headaches for all of 3 hours after that.

During those 3 hours I decided to just lay on the couch and moan. As I was reminded by my friend's enquiry - in the Jewish tradition during child birth it's a case of "the louder the scream, the bigger the diamond", surely it will work with chemo? With Jordan though, I didn't even get a cubic seconia as I had C-Section, so no harm in putting it to the test with this right? Trust me, it works when you get rewarded with a back tickle. Since then I have felt nothing else thanks to all the prayers and support I have received from around the world.

I am led to believe that the worst will come within the next 10 days when my white blood cells start taking a dip, a time when I am most prone to infection. I think though it will be a feeling mostly of fatigue. So I just have to put my dancing shoes away and reserve a place for them in my imagination.

Until tomorrow when my writing will take the form of more pleasurable things ... like the Oriah story ... tits up sisters (.)(.)

The start of Chemo

Today is Chemo Day. The day I have had a lot to say about as I have awaited its arrival with intrepidation and anticipation. And do you know how I feel ... BLESSED beyond words that I can't even think of the dreaded needles. Let me tell you why and the wonder of everything happening in my life right now.

Not only did we end yesterday with the first of many delicious Christmas dinners with special friends, but yesterday, after I finished up my blog post, I got an invitation (with a personal note) to become Oriah Mountain Dreamer's friend on Facebook. It was like OMG!! She is my rock star man!! It is like being a die-hard groupie to Bon Jovi and being personally phoned by Jon.

Oriah is the Author of many best selling books. All of which I possess and was introduced to 6 years ago by a very special friend of mine. Her books are The Invitation, The Dance, The Call and What We Ache For. Her style of writing and what she has to say is exactly how I want to write and I believe I have as much potential.

I only got serious with my writing aspirations earlier this year ...

I'm going to have to finish this post later ... MY MOM HAS JUST ARRIVED AT MY FRONT DOOR FROM P.E. ... IT'S A SURPRISE!!

Day 65 - 17 December 2009

I can face today with 1 of 2 thoughts:

1. Today is my last day of freedom - tomorrow is a prison sentence for 8 months of being naked with sickness and fatigue, thanks to chemo.

OR

2. Today is the last day that cancer gets free reign over my body - tomorrow these cancer cells will be arrested, and will simply have no choice but to leave, thanks to chemo.

I would like to say that I am thinking of thought no. 2, but it is no. 1 at the moment. I am however trying to change my perspective about the chemo and trying my best to go to thought no. 2. It has occurred to me that I may not have fully accepted my condition because I feel so well. The fact of the matter is I AM sick with cancer and the chemo is going to help me - not the other way around. I am pretty sure the reality will hit me once I look and feel sick and naked. But hey ... it is ONLY 8 months and then I WILL BE RESTORED TO FULL HEALTH. I do need to stop seeing chemo as the enemy. It is the chemo that will assist in this restoration.

Hil is very nervous for tomorrow and asked me last night how I felt. I don't know for sure exactly how I feel actually, but it must be playing on my mind somehow seeing that I can't get to sleep before 3am two nights running now. Although afternoon naps, lots of tea, coffee and cigarettes has been the main contributor to this insomnia. Actually I like being awake in the still of the night when everyone is sleeping. It is so quiet that you can almost hear your thoughts.

I'm sure it is going to be similar to the experience when my friend Gez and I went skydiving. The first time around we were very apprehensive and nervous. The second time, because we knew exactly what to expect, we were downright petrified. We just did it anyway because we were being "big deals". It's a no wonder I landed in the trees the second time and broke my foot the 3rd time. That will teach me for being "rebel".

I have no choice in facing the next 2-8 times with this though, so hopefully the "that will teach me" scenario will be of a different variety. After everything I have heard and read, I am sure it is not going to be a pleasant experience. Hopefully though I won't be petrified on my second visit after I know what to expect.

My arm is fully restored back to stretch and the numbness under my arm is starting to disappear. WOW!! Especially as the doctors said it would be at least 6 months of numbness. As my gay friend Clare so rightly shared with me when she wrote this in a private email:

"We all need a Frank! How precious to feel so safe with a man breathing healing and life into your body - very rare and precious - almost like you need a kind of male 'role model' to see you through and support you - amazing how the right people come into your life at just the right time. Take every ounce he is giving - especially as you are so open to it all - wow - I feel the goose bumps from here"

Spirit has no bounds ... Clare got goose bumps all the way in England :-). She also mentioned that she feels that my Dad is supporting me at this time. He died in April 2006, so that brought a tear to my eye.

Our friend Shelley gave Hil a beautiful book for her birthday called "Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Survivor Soul" and it has many little inspiring stories in it of which I am thoroughly enjoying ... thanks Shell ... you couldn't have picked a better book right now for us both. The one line that I related to most in one of the stories was when someone said to the person who had just been diagnosed "You will never feel more loved in your life" ... it is so true (.)(.)

Day 64 - 16 December 2009

I am so glad I am not the "wig" type this time of the year in Cape Town. That wind!!! Never mind the saying of "hold on to your hat and skirt", for me it would be "hold on to that hair doll"

Frank the masseur is my latest hero and flavor of the month. He is working my arm so that I don't have to go to the Physio. He only started with my arm last night and already I can feel the difference. Not quite full length stretch yet, but with this work in progress, it won't be long. Hil is going to help it along too by giving me daily massages to keep the drainage up. Time to take advantage!!

In terms of willingness and being open-minded, I'm learning a lot with this little exercise. I don't fully understand what happens in your body's energy and stimulating cells and manipulating, etc ... but just being willing and opening myself to the healing really seems to work its magic. It also helps me stay motivated with this willingness by being told by Frank that I have an incredibly strong energy that is very responsive to what he is doing.

He told me last night that he thought we would get to the stage where he would be able to do full acupuncture on me ... you know, with those needles. My response was "are you fucking mad!!" The heart is willing, but I know this body - it won't follow that far.

When I was enjoying my massage and doing my little visualization routine whilst listening to the music, I got an idea about chemo. I think I want to start a "chemo play-list" of music to get me through the 4-6 hour stretch. Music always relaxes me and puts me in a different place. I think it is a little late for this first round, but I do have some old recordings that I have done in the past to put on the ol' mp3.

My sister Sandra seems to think my music taste is old fashioned ... only because she knew 1 or 2 hot songs more than me ... simply because she had teenage kids at the time - so time to surprise her with my "hip". So if anyone has any ideas of good music to download, let me have it please. And NO, I am not looking for songs like "Onward Christian Soldiers" to fight the little buggers or "Cumbaya my lord cumbaya", that was done during the camping bonding trip. I'm looking more into the "gonna rock this joint" type stuff. Hip baby, hip.

Off to enjoy my day in the sun by the pool ... but first, goji-berries and eeuww juice (.)(.)

Day 63 - 15 December 2009

Camping didn't go too well - it was way too windy, hot and with very little shade I got really grumps and sun burnt, so we are back after 2 days. The 2 days did however provide sufficient family bonding time, which was special.

I am pleased to say that within 1 day of having my special Shiatsu-type massage, the feeling in my breasts are starting to come back. Not fully, but it is not totally dead ... there are tingling "alive" feelings. A work in progress. Tonight I am going back to Frank the magician.

I went to the plastic surgeon yesterday who was so rough with me when she was showing me how I should be massaging my breasts ... OW MAN!! I have never been that rough, but now I have to do it man style ... on myself. I think I need to do something though because the right boobie is not looking very happy since the swelling has come down with all the dents, dongers and lumps where the tumor used to be.

My right arm has been playing up majorly to the extent where I can't even straighten it. It feels like they cut the tendons a couple of inches shorter when taking the nodes out. Whenever I stretch (which is near impossible) or even just touch the arm, it feels bruised and really painful. Doc told me that it is the lymph that needs to be drained before they cause permanent damage. So I now need to go to a Physio.

I started playing around with the design of my other blog on Jordan which I have called MyPicanninJordan. Haven't done any posts on it yet, but I think I am actually going to have a lot of fun with this one. It is going to be more pictorial with memories attached to it. So at least it gets me stuck into that box of photos that need sorting. I think it is going to be more of an electronic scrap-book. I strongly suggest it to those parents looking for a new hobby or a way to record their beautiful children. It is extremely therapeutic and gives one a new appreciation for their child. Sometimes we get stuck on the challenges and forget about the special moments long gone. It also opens our eyes to the new moments still to come in need of capturing.

We haven't even got through Christmas and Jordan is already telling us what he wants for his 10th birthday. He wants to turn my office into his private den / treehouse / fort. There is nothing shy about the list he has already started either. Flat screen TV. A bed come couch in case he needs to have a nap. A computer with sound, internet access and games. His play station stuff. Bean bag chairs for when his mates come. I am liking the idea actually - to get it out of his bedroom and into a place where he will have limited access (i.e. mornings and nights will be our time).

3 days until takeoff. A time to allow the medication to work its stuff. I have a lot of life to look forward to, so have started changing my perspective on seeing this chemo in a different light (.)(.)

Day 59 - 11 December 2009

I got all balanced up last night. I went for the most enjoyable Shiatsu-type massage that lasted 1.5 hours but felt like 10 minutes. Most of the time was spent on my titties. Yep, a titty massage with a difference. The main purpose was to start manipulating the feeling back into my breasts and underarm as well as to help the scarring (redness and the protruding-ness). It was ever so gentle and together with the music, I nearly fell asleep. He also did the balancing of the Chakras where he uses localized finger pressure in a rhythmic sequence on acupuncture meridians. This is to improve the flow of energy and help the body regain balance. And you wonder why I have this incredible urge to "Hommmmmmmm".

The massage therapist did find big nodules in my upper arms. I funnily enough also noticed them about a week ago, but just put it down to a strange place for my muscles to be after my year of work-outs at the gym. I hope it is nothing serious.

One week to go before chemo and I am hoping that, being the virgin, I am not going to cry or anything ridiculous. That would be embarrassing to say the least. I'm starting to realize how much I need that counseling before going in.

I'm still getting the most incredible encouragement and support from people whom I never imagined even knew, noticed or cared. From the Chairman of the Board to the gardener. The human spirit really is a caring being and I feel truly blessed.

Soon we will be off on our camping trip ... a time to get down and dirty. The weather is perfect for camping, although I do hope the wind behaves. I won't be making any postings until my return, which will be around 16th. (.)(.)

Day 57 - 09 December 2009

Today's all about Hil, being her birthday, so everything took a back seat, including my blog post. We got thoroughly spoilt for her birthday (eh-hem, I mean she).

I decided to do this post late so that it can make up for today and tomorrow. Tomorrow we are off early to Paarl so I won't be posting.

My check list is looking pretty dam good:

* Birthday shopping - DONE
* Christmas shopping - DONE
* Christmas tree up - DONE
* Camping gear sorted - DONE
* Pottjie pot cleaned - DONE
* Swimming pool cleaned - DONE
* 2010 goals set - DONE
* Hair appointment - DONE

AND, LAST BUT NOT LEAST ..... TA DA

* Kidney Test - DONE, DONE, DONE

The blood test for the kidneys was only a little eina probably because it lasted a mere 30 seconds. I even went on my own and found myself bragging to the nurse about my bravery. She was very sweet in the beginning when she saw my hands shaking, but then the bitch went and spoilt it all by saying "you do know that chemo is much different to this". "In what way?" I asked hoping for a positive answer. "It is a lot more painful" she casually said. WTF!!! Why would she want to say that, especially as she ended off "but I don't really know personally as I have not experienced it, I have only been told". Fuck her for being insensitive. As far as I am concerned, I am hoping that it is going to feel like having a drip in my arm. You don't feel it after a while. Only when it goes in.

Tryanophobia - that is the proper name for someone who has a fear of any medical procedures which include needles. There are other names - Aichmophobia, Belonephobia, Enetophobia - but these are incorrect as they are only a fear of pins/needles and not medical aspects. So I guess these phobics don't do any sewing. Tryanophobia is rarely used amongst medical professionals anymore, they prefer the more common name being just ... needle-phobia. I just had to find out, so I thought I would share the official definitions. I don't think I am as bad as the BIG T ... I am probably a mixture of everything - you know TryAcheAloneAphobia!

Jordan is officially finished Grade 3. Prize giving tonight - camera ready ... DONE. For now though, I am going to try and steal a quick nap as I am bushed with all the partying and kak night time sleeps (.)(.)

Day 56 - 08 December 2009

Late start today, and it is not even school holidays yet. Another glorious day in paradise ahead of us with the most magnificent weather. Some of today will however be spent indoors as I finish up my birthday shopping - Hil's birthday tomorrow.

As for my anti-oxidant juice ... eeuuww..ggh. They told me it was refreshingly delicious. They lied!! It tastes like a mixture of cod liver oil and Vitamin B. How is that delicious? I heave with every sip. But for the sake of health, I will persist. The first day, I even put it in a long glass - cocktail style. Now I just try and down it in one breath with as little water as possible, in a plastic glass. The worst is, with the Vitamin B, it repeats on you.

I always remember the first job I ever had, and we were ordering lunch. My boss wanted to order pies and I told him not to as it repeats on you. He said to me "what exactly does that mean ... repeats on you" knowing full-well. As an impressionable 19 year old, I died a thousand deaths having to say "... well every time you BURP". Amazing how we grow up. What is so embarrassing about admitting to burping?

The Goji-Berries make up for it. They are very delicious. Superfoods they are!!

It was suggested to me last night by someone who speaks from experience (as he too is bald - by choice), that I should perhaps consider doing the shave before chemo so that I can tan my head, as I won't be able to sit in the sun during chemo and will end up with a brown face and white head. I did think about it, but as I am not going the full shave (because it will create pimples), I don't think the sun will get through a "number 2". So witkop it is going to be. Besides, if I weigh up the odds - I would prefer to have my hair for another 2 weeks than a tanned head that will be covered most of the time.

10 days to go - I am suddenly thinking about chemo more and more ever since I wrote that I am not scared anymore. I'm thinking about the length of time it is going to take and how boring that could be ... without a smoke. Maybe it is a good time to consider giving up. I'm thinking about the green stuff too, watching it slowly drip, drip, drip. I'm thinking about all the bald heads that I am going to be sitting with and whether I am going to feel like a virgin on that first day. I'm thinking about the 19th and how it is going to feel. Enough thinking ... I need to go shopping (.)(.)

Day 55 - 07 December 2009

My garden is so happy today - it is drizzling. Quite a welcome refresher from all the heat.

Being in costume attire most of yesterday, which includes a sarong, I started playing around with the sarong on my head - bandanna style. I took a few photos and sent it to my Jhb friends to get their take on it. We all came to the consensus that it actually looks quite nice. I don't look like Mrs Naidoo either. It felt like when we were kids and used to put the towel on our head after a swim - to pretend we had long flowing hair. This is what it felt like. I told Hil this morning that it might feel quite nice with no hair. She asked "in what way" - I said, "it will certainly feel cooler being summer". Knowing me probably better than I know myself, she doesn't agree and thinks I am going to feel very naked. I'm probably going to go for my "number 2" haircut on the 22nd or 23rd December - so I have 2 weeks left of "long flowing hair". She says with a flick to the right.

We put our Christmas Tree up yesterday - so together with the count-down to Christmas via the chocolate run (Advent calendar) - we are in the hyperactive phase of the year. Somehow we seem to go with the flow more when Jordan is on holiday. Which the school has irresponsibly decided will start on Wednesday instead of Friday!! Luckily this decision doesn't really affect us as we are not the 9-5 workers who have to now desperately look for alternative day care in the middle of a week.

I have been having very vivid dreams of late. I like it when I remember my dreams as I am of the belief that this is one way that the soul gets to communicate. It is a simple belief based on the fact that the soul precedes words and best communicates via images and feelings. Whatever interpretation you put on that dream is generally the message you need. I could be wrong, but it works for me. Sometimes though, the interpretation is not so pleasant, but at least you become aware of something that you can work on. My latest dream was that I was trying to get to Llandudno from Camps Bay ... by foot. It included having to climb a huge slippery rock that everyone else around me had no problem climbing. I just couldn't do it. Hmmm. Many ways to decipher that one, but my interpretation had more to do with character defects than my physical condition.

My boobies still feel very tight and perky. I was telling my friend yesterday that it feels like someone pulled a string rather tightly either side to give them that lift. They are still numb at the bottom, as is my right underarm. It is a rather weird sensation when I need to scratch. They seem to be itchy inside, where I can't get to. I have quite a noticeable dent in my right boob where the tumor was. I am sure it is more noticeable since the swelling has gone down. I have also never inspected my boobs as much as I am doing now. The right boob has started those sporadic sharp pains again. I am sure this is still the process of everything coming alive.

I still nurture my boobs with their home comfort of hugging a soft feather pillow when I go to sleep. It feels very comforting, but I hope I am not taking it to the extent of the "pillow hug" becoming my security blanket. For now, I am going to continue to believe that it just feels soothingly soft and cool against my breasts (.)[](.)

Day 53 - 05 December 2009

The carols by candlelight was somewhat weird last night. Glorious summer evening and market to go with it but the carols was all rock-ified. They had a band leading, and it felt like we were to watch a concert rather than all have a sing-a-long. It was still enjoyable and quite fantastic how a community really supports a good cause. We all had to pay R10 for the carols of which the proceeds went to our local Home of Hope charity helping orphaned kids. So they did well with thousands of people there to support, with their picnic baskets in tow. But try singing "Oh come all ye faithful" to the beat of "we will, we will, rock you". It's almost like rock is the in-thing these days - first ABBA, now Carol. I'm sure it was one of those pentecostal church bands who think the next best thing to cool is rock.

After the "carol concert" I settled in to watch a movie on TV called "Why I wore red lipstick to my mastectomy". It was quite a sweet movie of which I could totally relate to many of her thoughts and feelings. Apart from the red lipstick of course. It's a pity I have never been a lipstick chick. It would really come in handy when I am bald .. you know, to distract people to my face rather than my head. When I wear lipstick though, I subconsciously pucker my lips because of its discomfort. It must look like I am constantly wanting to suck through a straw. I even do the air kisses like the french (mwa mwa either side of the cheek) when someone wants to attack me with a lipstick kiss. Lipstick reminds me of my Aunty Dot when I was a kid. You know those aunts who always want to kiss you with their wrinkled red thick juicy lips - and that is all you see are those lips coming in for the attack as you close your eyes and relent.

I haven't been scared for a while now about my cancer, like she was in the movie. I wonder why I am not scared any more, especially as the worst is still to come. Is it part of the acceptance? Is it the strength of God that I and many others have prayed for? Is it denial? Is it luck? Is it boredom? It is rather dull to live in fear, or pretend you are scared (to get the sympathy) without doing anything about it. Will I still feel the same way after my 1st chemo on the 18th? I think it has done me well to live one day at a time and not question the good things.

I stocked up today on immune building goodies from the health shop. Dried goji berries to put in my muesli, Cili-Bao anti-oxidant juice, honeyed ginger tea for the nausea. Bloody expensive this health stuff. Imagine if Oros cost R140!!

Last appointment with the architect is on 14th and I am definitely going to make a concerted effort to do that kidney test by Tuesday. But until then, I am going to spend time in the garden because ... the summer is magic, it's magic ... oh yeah (.)(.)

Day 52 - 04 December 2009

I think I have gotten so used to this chillaxing vibe that it feels like I am on permanent holiday. I can't really blame my cancer for putting me there as I feel this vibe every December, especially with all the summer tourists around visiting our beautiful city. The cancer has just given me the necessary justification that makes me feel it is okay to take it easy. In so doing, I have realized how much I enjoy it ... the shopping, the visiting, the arbitrary surfing (net), actually just general time wasting stuff.

I think it might be good for the soul. It kinda like puts me in that "smell the roses" place. I sure hope that this is not going to make it difficult for me to get into the swing of things when I have to get my A into G on the work front. But that is then and this is now, and let's be honest - nothing puts your A into G more than a bit of deadline pressure. Something my work always seems to provide, with the added pressures I always put on myself too. I have to constantly keep myself in check with those self-pressures as I have realized that it has something to do with Ms perfectionism trying to bring along its relative Auntie procrastination.

I am starting to believe that this is all part of the design and process that I need to go through. Learning how to enjoy those moments that are generally considered chores to me. I mean the other day I even found joy in making cheese sauce. We normally buy our cheese sauce from Woolworths, but this particular night we didn't have any - and who can eat cauliflour without cheese sauce? So I googled "how do I make cheese sauce" and it was so easy and tasty that I am never going to buy cheese sauce again. Maybe I might even start enjoying those "cooking channels" that a lot of my friends seem to watch - but then again (yawn) that's taking it a bit far.

Last night was another birthday celebrated at the Blue Peter for a meal and then some beach fun with the most amazing sunset. On a beautiful summers night, the Blue Peter is always pumping, and last night was no exception. As it used to be my summer drinking hole, I did have a twinge of regret that I am not the kind of person who can enjoy just 1 or 2 beers. Unfortunately I am the "die hard" that does not have the ability to stop and never wants to go home. I could have killed for a Stella draught last night - but thankfully the thoughts and feelings are momentary.

Today I am thinking of finishing up my shopping and a few other tit-bits that need doing. I need to cancel breakfast with Charlize Theron (who is in town) because quite frankly ... I forgot about it. I must however make time to exercise those vocals ... carols by candlelight tonight ... Joy to the world .. the world is .. (eh-hem - as I clear my throat and try remember the words) .. All together now ... Joy to the world (.)(.)

The start of the photo shoot

Started playing around with my blog and decided to start the visual journey too.

WARNING - NOT FOR SENSITIVE VIEWERS WITH A WEAK DISPOSITION (.)(.)

Day 51 - 03 December 2009

Birthday and Christmas shopping went well yesterday, and I think I am half way there. The ABBA show last night ... OMG, to think we paid R220 for those seats! It was awful and we left at interval. The music was so loud we could hardly hear the words to the signing. And ... how come it was a 7 piece band that concentrated more on the rock guitar than anything else? Go figure. The seats were so close together that Hil was almost sitting on my lap as the BIG man next to her was hogging her space with his arms folded. It was like sitting in economy class seats of SAA ... having this desperate need to start working out that diet!!

Then when we had to all stand up and dance - well have you ever tried to dance on a sixpence? It's a no wonder the lady in front of us danced with her arms up that kept going in the faces of the people next to her. That must have been annoying. The best part of the concert for us was that we got to sit next to a really sexy chick who was dancing in the aisles - a Sharon Stone lookalike. She provided better entertainment. We were also in a group of 13 girls but sat in different places because of booking cock-ups. It might have been better if we all sat together.

Besides that though, it offered a great night out with friends - dinner, after-coffees, laughs, a bit of entertainment for Hil at the tables that proved positive. The hang-over I feel this morning from sitting in the smoking section of the Casino, makes me feel that I am not missing out on much with my previous desires to go wild - nothing ever changes in those places. To think I used to feel like this every morning with the after-effects of puza (Shona for dop)!! Renewed appreciation for my recovery, and I didn't even have to relapse for this convincer.

I have just got back from a special assembly at school, and I can confirm that I too am A BIG FAT CRY BABY. Jordan got an award for "exceptional house spirit at sports events". I wonder where he gets that from? It was so cute how he did a spontaneous demonstration for the school when he got to the top ... that's when the tears came.

Other than the kidney test I just never seem to have enough time in the day to do, there have been no thoughts of cancer, disease, woe-is-me ... Life just kinda goes on you know (.)(.)

Day 50 - 02 December 2009

50 days of living with breast cancer and writing this blog ... I sure do have a lot to say don't I, especially as I don't really feel that sick. I wonder if this is a good thing? I think it is. Not feeling sick is a real feeling, but pretending I am not sick is something different. It would immobilise me to take action ... like healthy living, etc. Without action, it would probably allow my disease to define me ... you know, that "victim" definition where I would want everyone to feel sorry for me.

What is that all about, I wonder? I think that it is a case of not knowing any better. Something like feeling bad or scared of a situation that you are in, then someone comes along and says "oh shame, poor you" - and somehow it feels good to know that someone cares, or we mistake this sympathy for the type of caring we all crave ... not sure. So we play on this emotion to get more of the good stuff. Caring. What's so wrong with wanting to feel cared for? I think maybe it is a fine line between wanting support and sympathy. Not knowing any better ... or the difference. But if we are not careful, we can get stuck in needing too much of the latter and then ... oh boy, what a pain-in-the-arse we become and not nice to be around - then we get NOTHING as people subconsciously try to avoid this drainage!!

I am definitely not in denial about my disease - I am a master at knowing what denial is (I think) :-). Well put it this way, I have had the practice of knowing what denial is. It did take me 45 years to become an overnight success with my own sobriety. Of all the many things I have achieved, this has got to be my biggest achievement. It has allowed my head to be clear enough to discover exactly who I am. In this knowing ... or learning to know who I am, I realize how easy it is to self-love and self-care and feel the care of God. With that comes a whole host of other gifts - humility, acceptance, living life on life's terms, oh my ... the list goes on. I think that this has helped me in not needing to define myself by my woes.

My pet name for Jordan is "ninnie" ... he loves it at home, but doesn't like other people to hear it. I can see why, it does sound a bit naffie and a little too close to nancy-boy (which he definitely is not) or maybe it sounds too close to nincimpoop. You know how boys of this age just think it is the most hilarious thing to talk lavatorial all the time. The reason he loves it at home is because of the meaning I gave to him. In Zimbabwe, the black people call their children piccanin (in Shona) and I told Jordan it means my beautiful, most precious child - so ... I somehow started calling him ninnie for short - must be those roots.

It's nice having private family "codes". Like my sister Colleen use to stick her finger in her husband's ear when she was bored at a party or something and wanted to go home. In our family, when we are at a distance, we have the "I love you" codes and the "I am watching you" code ... especially for Jordan when he is misbehaving. I think it is time for our family to start a code of "I need to get out of here" with regards to my diseases ... when I am feeling uncomfortable or at risk of falling into the category of "woe-is-me". My family have been my biggest support and they will know exactly what this means in order to keep me safe and strong.

December is not only the celebration of Christmas, but for us it is also the celebration of birthdays (including Hil's). We know 15 people whose birthday is in December, so it is quite a festive month for us. Talking about roots, today is the start of those birthdays ... so happy happies dizee wizee (.)(.)

Day 49 - 01 December 2009

Only 2 weeks of school left and I think we are going to get away with Jordan's long hair. We try and hide it as much as possible under his cap, but it is getting really long at the back now. I am sure that long hair is the least of the school's problems with all the crap going down.

We always stay for school assembly on a Friday as this is the day they make it special and give out awards to the kids. Jordan normally gets arbitrary awards like neat handwriting, but I just know one day he is also going to be getting an award like the other kids of "improved behavior". This year's teacher has been really schnoop with awards though. That was the main thing I liked about this school, they award good attributes instead of focusing on bad behavior and detention. It kinda instills the concept of celebrating success instead of fearing failure. The kids feel so proud when they stand up in front of the whole school with their certificates, and when Jordan is up there he pretends he doesn't see me giving him the major thumbs up with the "whoo hoo" to go with it, but I know he notices as I can see the smirk he is trying to hide on his face, and the back and forth glances.

Assembly is also the day that I get to exercise my vocal chords by doing my opera warble rendition of Nkosi Sikelel'i. Hil's favorite is the Lord's Prayer. You know how middle-aged, gay, Jewish, English-speaking woman just love to sing the Lord's Prayer at a Christian school ... in Afrikaans. I am singing even louder these days after being told by my friend Wendy that I sing beautifully ... much to everyone's delight, it offered a good ol' fashioned reason for a raucous laugh. Even I know I ain't no poop idol, and singing is definitely not one of the illusional fantasies I have been living in.

The warm feeling about last Friday's assembly was that our headmaster, who is going through so much undeserved pressure right now, made a bee-line for me at the end to tell me that I offered him inspiration and strength for the day by just being there. How nice is that!! I do somehow feel that people think I am sicker than I actually am though.

We have a busy couple of days ahead of us ... birthday shopping, christmas shopping, ABBA concert, birthday parties, carols by candlelight, night markets, school prize giving, girls poker night, camping, the journey ... oh and a kidney test and a tittie check-up with PS ... fun, fun, fun (.)(.)

Day 48 - 30 November 2009

I can safely say that I am almost pain-free from my op. No more sporadic sharp pain either. A bit of itching still, and when I scratch, it still feels a little tender. It has already been 4 weeks tomorrow since the op. Time does fly indeed. I still don't feel as though I have cancer. I wonder if other cancer-patients feel the same way as me. I am sure to find out soon enough.

I am happy to say that I am out of that scary place of cravings. It feels so overwhelmingly powerful when it is happening. I try my best to remind myself that these powerful urges use to be the Higher Power that I allowed to run amok in my life. Now, I have a different Higher Power much more powerful than my addiction and urges. When I don't act rashly on these urges, but rather take a moment to breath, I remember how very simple the principles of my recovery program is. It is normally the simpleness of such things that make me want to ignore them - yet, when I do acknowledge them, they produce such a profound effect in my life.

When I am in this safe zone, I find that the near-relapses offer me an opportunity to see that there are still a number of triggers out there trying to bring me to my knees. My first reaction is to blame it on other people for putting me in that emotional place, but often it is my own defects that need fixing. It really is much easier to blame the world for what has gone wrong in my life that makes me so emotionally immature. I used to prefer doing that, less responsibility. As much as I still want to do that, it just never feels right in my tummy. It is impossible to ignore the tummy, even though I try and convince myself that I will acknowledge and put the wisdom I already have into practice after a debauch. After all, haven't I heard a million times that having a relapse proves to be THE convincer. However, the nigglies in my tummy also tell me that I don't need convincing as I probably won't have the strength that other people have to come back.

So what am I going to do with this new opportunity of knowledge? Nothing much, except stop standing on my tiptoes to see what the rest of the world is doing (and I am missing out on). I cannot stand firmly on tiptoes. I'm also going to start again with my baby steps. Taking long steps to try and get me to that instant gratification need actually ends up showing me that I cannot walk far with these long strides. So back to basics and back to baby steps, is how I am going to face today. Step 1 is to put on my headphones that remind me to ... breathe in, breathe out ... and I am not even blonde!! (.)(.)

Day 46 - 28 November 2009

I am still noticing major synchronicity in my life. Normally it feels good, and in hindsight, the one I experienced today is also good, but it didn't feel like it at the time.

Having battled most of this week with my own recovery - God, in his wisdom thought it would be funny to wake me up at 04h30 to help a young 21 year old girl. She was pissed out of her mind and had passed out (in her drunken stupour) whilst riding her scooter. Right outside our front gate. She didn't really get hurt, probably because she was so drunk, but to think of who she could have hurt. There was silence for a long while, then Hil heard some black guy talking to her. We thought it was her boyfriend, but he had kindly just helped her to the side of the pavement as she had fallen asleep right in the middle of the road, on top of her scooter.

We immediately brought her in - sobered her up and made sure she got home safely. She was a decent and beautiful young girl, lost in a new city with no friends, no job, no self-esteem. Trying to fit in, but not knowing how to without the confidence boost of drugs and alcohol. In her drunkenness, she still had the manners to acknowledge the help. The acknowledgement was in a way where it felt that she had not experienced a kindness in a long while. That is sad indeed!! The rest of the details about her and what happened are immaterial, but all I can say is, imagine how I would have felt if I didn't hold on this week.

We had the best market day ever today, in sales and beautiful weather ... I like to think of it as a thank you gift from God ... hehehe.

Still haven't gone for my kidney tests. Not for any other reason than lack of enthusiasm. The amazing thing is that I was reminded of it today when they ached. How strange is that. I hope that this is just the mind playing its psychological tricks on me. It felt real though as it woke me up from my arvie nap and I had to sit up for 5 minutes. "Okay, okay I'm going to go already damit!!" It is just one little prick I suppose. I am quite pathetic about this shit ... I act as though I have never experienced a prick in my life!! I have also experienced the one of the "dumb ass jerk" variety. LOL

Today's gratitude list includes being blessed with amazing friends. Friends from afar (yes, very often that call, sms or email arrives at the perfect time), as well as friends who help by going beyond the call of friendship expectation. Okay, I'm not going to get all misty-eyed with the Michael Jackson expression of "I love you all", but hopefully you feel appreciated (.)(.)

Day 45 - 27 November 2009

Oncologist phoned yesterday. My first chemo is booked for Friday 18 December 2009 at 09h30. I have to go for half an hour of counseling before I start. My word ... that sounds like there is going to be emotional hectic-ness attached ... Counseling!! I suppose they need to tell me what they are going to do, what to expect during and after.

I remember the first time I went to see the oncologist, I got a whole file of information - mainly to do with payments - but on top of everything, in the most prominent place of the folder was a social worker's business card. I said "what do I need this for?" Apparently we all have a social worker dedicated to us 24 hours a day in case we need to have a talk ... or cry, I suppose. I'm not sure what I am not getting here, but it does sound more hectic than what I need. Let's see ... they after-all know what they are talking about.

The only problem with me wanting to change my date later is that I have to go to another oncologist. My doctor will be on holiday from the 13th. I don't mind though. They have about 4 oncologists who all work as a team and at some stage during my treatment I would probably get to experience all of them.

We wanted to check how much this chemo is going to cost to make sure that we are covered with medical aid as we only have R200k cover per year. If we go up to the next level on medical aid (an extra R2500 per month), it would be unlimited. Thankfully, without any complications, we are just covered. It looks like the whole deal is going to cost the medical aid R191k ... expensive disease hey!! What happens to those who are not on medical aid? I know they would have to go the government hospital route, but does it mean they have to wait? Waiting is bad for this type of disease ... any disease I guess. Does the government pay as much per patient? You gotta wonder why cancer is so expensive. I do know it must be expensive for any medical research (which is where most of the money supposedly goes) but this must also be the case with other illnesses that need research. Being one of the privileged, it almost feels like I have no right to ask questions!! But as we all know, that's just not me!!

Anyhooo ... with all this fighting and bargaining going on in my head these last few days, I have come to the realization that when I sense my own powerlessness at trying to control my diseases, my soul responds and gives me strength and a greater appreciation of each day. I even showered yesterday!! (.)(.)

Day 44 - 26 November 2009

I wonder why I keep putting off "The Journey" when I was so excited to do it in the beginning. What am I afraid of finding? Instead I entertain thoughts that my recovery is not paying off, when clearly the evidence of my life and length of sobriety proves that it is. This wrong thinking stirs up many uninvited emotions of longing, anger and resentments, then self-pity. Self-pity only because I can't have what I want when I want it. I feel like being that bratty 2-year old so that I can stamp my feet and throw a tantrum.

If left unchecked, where on earth is it going to take me? I need to stay strong in body and mind to face the next stage of my journey. Why on earth am I even entertaining such thoughts? Surely my faith has had its fair share of being tested? This gives a whole new meaning to "self-testing". Knowing both - the "tit self-testing" is much more preferable. Hell, I'm even a pro at it now that I could take it up as a career ... or hobby ... you know, show everyone how to do it!! :-)

I think this is the most scary thing about taking responsibility for my own life and behavior. "Knowing" makes it hard to go back, irrespective of how much the body longs to. I have to say that my intention to becoming a better person has transformed me to the extent that going back would be fatal. Okay that sounds a bit dramatic, but sadly the truth. I think it all boils down to expectation! The more I try to make my life conform to my own expectations, the more uncomfortable it gets for me. It's like I am living in my expectation and fantasy world instead of the reality of how things actually are.

When things don't measure up to my expectation, then surely it is my expectations that need adjusting and not the world, people and places whom I have no control over. I know what it means to have experienced a gratitude for my recovery - all I have to do is compare my life today against how it used to be. Maybe I should extend my gratitude to realizing that people don't conform to MY expectations, but rather exceeds them. Why does "being human" feel so fragile?

As you can see, I am not out of the wood works yet, regarding my moods, cravings and attitude ... but I am getting there. I think I took that "feeling of compassion for myself" a little out of context after the actual experience. What a shame. But, then again ... I am only human (.)(.)

Day 43 - 25 November 2009

I feel like shit today - not physically, but mentally. I have nothing constructive to say so I thought I would try my hand at a bit of poetry.

Out of action
For a lack of satisfaction
Trying something new in creation
To see if I can change my reaction

I feel as lost as Nemo
But not because of the Chemo
It's not flowing so good in this Stream-o
But there's no harm in trying to Dream-o

Isolation is not the way to go
I've already been in that show
There's a lot I don't know
But I know when I am stumping my toe

Hoping for emancipation
It feels rather like constipation
I better consider changing direction
Before the poem starts rhyming with masturbation

Life really doesn't have to suck
But sometimes we do get stuck
And with a little bit of luck
You'll never hear me say - what the fuck!!

So please God let me only look back
To see how far I've come through this crack
And if I don't give you any more flack
Then I'll know I'm on the right track

My journey, I need to embrace
Before I fall flat on my face
If this were to be the case
Then I'm never going to win this race

Hehe ... not bad for a first attempt. A little lost in the middle, but who cares when I do actually feel a little better already!! (.)(.)

Day 42 - 24 November 2009

Misty, drizzly morning today and I have the mood to go with it. I have been obsessing a lot lately about my past life and it has put my recovery in a risky place of urges. It is all I think about and want to do. Get out of it with a splurge of debauch. The danger is that if I continue with this line of thought it will turn into a build-up where the relapse will happen in my mind long before the action. It must stop. I don't want to be fighting 2 battles right now. One day at a time. Or in my case, one minute at a time with white knuckles to prove it.

When I think about the "good ol' days" why can't I think about all the regret. I was talking to my bosom buddy yesterday about the therapeutic-value of writing by hand. The value being, it is your first feelings that don't need editing. When I was in rehab, they taught us the importance of writing a daily inventory - just a journal of your feelings, activities, etc during the last 24 hours. I kept saying that I couldn't wait to get back home so that I could do it on my PC. I can type so much faster than I can write and sometimes when I write, my hand can't keep up with my mind as I have always got so much to say. But if the truth be told, it hurts my hand to write as my right knuckle has fallen due to punching a wall in "the good ol' days", and because I was so embarrassed when I sobered up, I never got it fixed. Consequences and regrets.

Is this God reminding me of these things because I am obsessing? The thing is, I have found this sentiment of hand writing to be true. My blog has taken the place of some of that "hand-writing" stuff and I do notice how much editing I do. Why would I need to edit stuff if I was doing this for me? Because I don't want to feel more exposed than I already have made myself. It makes me feel vulnerable and sensitive to other people's actions that hurt like crazy. It is this hurt that I don't want to face right now. Hence the need for escapism. So what is the solution, besides a night on the town? Fuck knows!! But I sure as hell hope that it is going to come to me soon.

We took my dressings off on Sunday and I have been massaging away to the extent that it is making me paranoid with all the dents and lumps that I can feel. If I was the self-testing type before, I wonder if I would know the difference, or become the hypochondriac who takes mammogram-testing to the extreme.

I got the heads up from my BB (bosom buddy) about not going all the way with shaving the head before its time. I had already decided to only go for a "Number 2". It will give me some feeling of control as to when I choose to let my hair go. But, by shaving your head before it is ready to fall out will create a head full of pimples. Imagine that on top of feeling self-conscious with baldness.

I'm still back and forth with the date of when I want to start chemo. It should be on the 15th, we are wanting to holiday until the 20th, but then again I also want to be relatively well on Christmas day when my family come for lunch. I believe after chemo, you are not well for about 3 days - but because it could be longer on your first one I don't want to take the chance. So I am thinking 17th or 18th now and just cut the holiday a little short. 6 Days camping I think will be enough - I love nature and the outdoors, but I also love my home comforts. So much to consider and think about ... very tiring when .... "all she wants to do is dance dance ...." (.)(.)

Day 41 - 23 November 2009

It seems only yesterday that I was saying how grateful I was to be 15 months clean. Well today it is already 16 months of sobriety. How aboot dat!! Time is a weird thing. I was talking about it with my friend the other day. She was saying when we spoke about my chemo "before you know it, the time will fly past". Time does fly ... when you are having fun. But when you are trying to give up smoking or something, OMW, 5 minutes feels like 5 hours. But that too must be an illusion if 16 months of sobriety seems to have flown by.

I have been feeling weird about this blog!! I am not sure what these feelings are. Sometimes I get bored to write only on the subject of cancer, and other times I feel that I write too much on other things that are irrelevant. I often have to remind myself why and who I am writing for. It is for myself primarily. Regardless of this, I do sometimes feel sensitive about how this writing might affect other people, in a negative way. Why would I feel sensitive if I was really writing for my own self-healing and experience? Sometimes it feels like I am harping too much on "me and my illness", but this is mainly when it doesn't feel like I am really sick. All said and done though, I personally want a record of this experience and all the feelings I had during this experience. So even though I have been considering whether I should continue with this blog or not, the decision is affirmative.

All this thinking and contemplation has taken me to the decision to start 2 new blogs. It will help broaden my horizons and moods. I sometimes don't only want to talk about cancer, so if this be the case, then I can flip to the other blogs of conversation. The one will be what my original primary goal included - addiction recovery - and will more than likely remain anonymous, to allow other contributors the same respect. And the other blog will be about Jordan, a nice record for him to look back on when he is all growed up - to see how annoying and love-able he was. Even though some blogs are not for sharing, to me the technology offers a perfect off-site back-up alternative without having to go the FTP (file transfer protocol) route.

I am also going to try and delay the start of my chemo treatment for the 21 December 2009. School breaks up on the 11th and we want to at least get in a bit of a camping holiday before treatment and the Christmas rush. This way, it is something to look forward to now and it will at least give Jordan a bit of a holiday for school break. It better be okay, because we have already booked. I just have to try and re-schedule Christmas shopping to be before school breaks up. A huge challenge for me when my Christmas shopping is normally done on Christmas eve. Good practice for that procrastination bug.

I am so happy about this job we have just done. A 12-day job was done in 8, which finishes today. So I need to go and get ready for the last day (.)(.)

Day 40 - 22 November 2009

I have still been feeling a little flat in mood and energy-less in body. I'm wondering if this is why I seem to be noticing a lot more pain, especially where the drains were and under my right arm. I find myself subconsciously walking around like I need an arm sling. It is probably psychological more than real.

I just remembered that I have to go for kidney tests this week. They didn't do them with the rest of the testing - i.e. liver, bones, blood, lungs, etc. The oncologist needs it, so another clinic visit this week.

My boobs are looking spectacular though and got a top place on my daily gratitude list. I just love my PS (the architect). For more reasons than just giving me a great pair of boobs. She has really gone that extra mile for us, especially on the administrative side - with papers and advice that are not even within her own department. Something you don't see that often, especially as she is just as successful and busy as the other doctors with a constant flow of patients through her rooms. I don't know if it is a "woman thing", but she seems to run her practice different to what I have seen. Even though she gets annoyed with me for smoking and that I don't speak Afrikaans, she has that nurturing touch as to how she deals with her patients ... maybe being about 7 months pregnant has something to do with it though. I can however relate to how she runs things as we also run our business like a family. It also helps that she looks like a cross between Robin Wright-Penn and Daryl Hannah - I can't decide.

My new bras from Gail look so nice on me that they can pass as a costume top. So this, and a sarong, is what I am going to be wearing for the rest of the weekend around the pool.

I'm going to do my journey this week. I was supposed to do it on Friday, but didn't realize it was Jordan's sports day. I also felt that I was not in the right frame of mind for it, although this could be a subconscious avoidance tactic.

Short post for the weekend because ... just because - too late to think why (.)(.)

Day 38 - 20 November 2009

We certainly got a nice surprise from our friend Gail yesterday. Last night was our planned "night out". After trying to figure out what we should do, Hil and I ended up with only a dinner date to look forward to with a walk around Exclusive Books at the Waterfront. We wanted to avoid going to movies as this is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire with all the home nights of TV we have had. If the truth be told, we both probably wanted to just get away to Grand West or Sun City for a bit of escapism, but we all know how safe that is for me - I would probably end up being like a mine worker not knowing when to stop when he gets a chance to spend his pay cheque. But instead, we got a nice surprise of tickets booked for a comedy show at The Theatre at the Bay. And it was so so funny. Good medicine for a couple of sad sacks. An hour and a half went by so fast that it felt like 30 minutes.

Being a beautiful summer evening, we had a scrumptious dinner on the Camps Bay Boulevard watching the sun go down. After the show, we went back to the same restaurant to have our coffee and dessert. Camps Bay used to be our play ground when we first arrived in Cape Town - 19 years ago. You know, it's the place to be seen (when you have a hot bod). I'm not sure if it is this menopause thing getting to me, but I couldn't help seeing all the trendy's of today strutting up and down and thinking - "when we played here, they were not even Jordan's age!!"

I also noticed at the show that plays and cabarets tend to draw a much older audience. When I mentioned this observation to Hil, her answer was very soothing. She said "well you should feel at home now, being menopausal!". Very funny!!

Yesterday was the last doctor visit until 15 December. Just a check up with my plastic surgeon who is still very happy with my boobs. She was just worried that I hadn't started massaging them and making them a part of me already. Hmmm!! I suppose I have been treating them as though they were a bit alien - but I have never really been into that kind of thing - "massaging my own breasts". But for the sake of healing, I will follow doctors orders. I think she was a little disappointed to see how sad I was yesterday, after being her "Ms Positivity case study". I think the thing getting me though is exactly how Hil described "it's like taking a headache pill just in case I get a headache". Especially as I feel so healthy right now. I have never been the hypochondriac type and with my special "doctor-avoidance" skills, I probably only saw a doctor once a year in the most extreme cases. So these weekly doctors visits in the last month have taken its toll.

My bosom buddy could completely relate to how I was feeling yesterday. She said that she also felt like it was watching a terribly sad movie, except it is a movie of your own life. She also said "I am of the opinion that emotions are good for the soul, it cleanses you and then after a good cry, you are ready to go again". Not such a bad description for a French chick who thinks her English is bad :-)

Today is going to be spent in the sun at Jordan's sports day. I may as well make the most of it as the oncologist has told me that once I start chemo, I have to take it easy in the sun because the skin becomes very sensitive. Also, we have so much crap happening at the school. Adults behaving badly - much like the show we saw last night. So I also want to have fun watching this drama unfold. You wouldn't believe it was a Christian School!! (.)(.)

Day 37 - 19 November 2009

There is something really magical about waking up before 05h00 on a summer morning, especially after a good nights sleep. The menagerie of birds outside my bedroom window sounds like they are showing off because they woke up before me. Despite their noise, there is this complete stillness and feeling that all is well. It overwhelms me sometimes, and today is no exception as I lay in my bed, tears streaming down my face.

It is a different cry and emotion though. I cry for myself and I feel sorry for myself, but not in the self-pity way, more in the compassionate way. I feel sorry for what I have to go through. It is actually quite a liberating feeling to have compassion for myself. I have always pushed it into the self-pity department. This morning, in that comforting quiet space, I allowed myself to feel real compassion. I now know the difference. I don't always have to try and be strong and brave and think that if I have these feelings of sadness that it will make me fall into despair and self-pity - this is the liberation I feel - I am allowed to feel sorry for myself.

I'm not sure what bulldozer was on about as the oncologist didn't stutter once. He was so different to what I had imagined. I like and feel confident with him. He is not bad looking either ... you know, for a man!!

I have Stage 2 cancer and my treatment is going to start 15 December 2009. It consists of 6 months of chemotherapy, 7 weeks of daily radiotherapy and 5 years of hormone therapy. After all this, I have a 90% chance at survival. I am extremely disappointed as I thought I had stage 1 cancer and would be done with all my treatment in 3 months, which is why I confidently made the decision to go for chemo. There are 4 stages of cancer - stage 4 is when you have like 2 months to live, so I guess stage 2 ain't that bad - but it is not as good as stage 1. It still needs aggressive treatment to ensure 90%. But then again, when you look at stats, as I often do being part of my business, I also have a 10% chance of being hit by a bus, or better still a 20% chance of being hit by a taxi.

There was some good news though, although it didn't sound good to me. They tested me for hormone something or another and I was negative (which is apparently good). This means that because I am pre-menopausal (because of my age) they need to treat me in a way that brings on menopause so that those hormones don't interfere too much with other treatments. If I don't respond (i.e. go through all the menopause symptoms such as hot flushes, being a bitch, etc) then they need to stop my oestrogen. Not sure how this is good news, but they seemed over-joyed by this. All I can see is a full-on beard coming my way without female hormones. As though I am not masculine enough!!! Does this mean that I am officially old now? Menopause sounds old, something my grandmother should be going through. Well at least I get to lose my periods!!

I do consider myself lucky in one aspect though. My chemo treatment was supposed to be Phase 1 - 4 x sessions 21 days apart and then Phase 2 - 12 x weekly sessions. But because they are on the last leg of trialing a new chemo drug, they said that they can offer me Phase 2 of being another 4 x sessions (instead of 12) if I become a clinical guinea pig for their clinical trials. It is apparently a very expensive drug that medical aid won't pay for but because it is on trial, I will get it for free. Although it is intravenous, it also contains some pill that builds up the white blood cells in my bone marrow. All it needs from me is to write out a whole bunch of things for them in the end. Of course I want to be a guinea pig when it is 4 vs 12.

When he heard that I was needle-phobic (still haven't found the word for that), he offered to put a "stint" (I think it is called) under my skin to make it easier. This requires another operation though and a foreign object in my body for 6 months {shudder}. I don't think so!! My friend Rhona had this and in the end died of septicemia because of it. I never thought I would ever want to choose needles over another option - but there you go. It will only become absolutely necessary if my veins collapse from all the strain and they can't find any veins towards the end. Another lovely symptom - arteries hardening.

So yep, today I am feeling sad and disappointed - but not negative. It is just something I have to go through that is going to take the best part of 2010 and that is crap! I feel imprisoned by it. I am certainly not "bored" anymore with this cancer!!

My mom was going to come for Christmas and had her ticket booked for 22nd December. I have asked her to try and change it for the 14th because I want my mommy!! I haven't felt that way in a long time and it feels completely foreign to me, but I do. I think I want her to be here so that she can also go through the whole process with me. Which includes being with me when I shave my head. I don't want it to be a complete shock for her when she sees me, I think it will be less traumatic if she is going through it with me.

I tried to put the whole thing off until next year - but they insist that I start 6 weeks after operation so that the cells don't get active again. By Christmas I will be totally Britney Speared!! I will be singing that song I haven't sung since I was a toothless child ... "All I want for Christmas is my .... " (.)(.)

Day 36 - 18 November 2009

I can't believe it is nearly the end of the year already. I have achieved quite a lot of my goals this year, thankfully. I have always been a goal-setter and many-a-year they have gone horribly astray, but this year they were right on track. Clearly, my recovery had a lot to do with it. Who would have thought that this little trip was going to be included. In a way, it still seems surreal to me. I don't feel like I have cancer. And quite frankly, I'm quite bored with the whole thing already.

I have only spent 2 real days at home resting and "convalescing", and I'm going out of my head with boredom. Not a good place for me to be. The boredom makes me demotivated to do anything else. There is only so many books one can read, and when my interviewers leave and I have access to my PC, there is a lot I can do - but by then I am so tired of being tired that I can't move my arse to do anything. TV is also driving me up the wall. My energy levels are way down to do even the "fun" type things that have been on my to-do list for a while. Things like sort the photos into Photo collages, walk the dog, knit :-) my new hobby, suduko. Tomorrow night, Hil and I are going to have a night out to try and break this frustrating cabin-fever. She is also feeling it a bit. God help us when I am really sick with the chemo!!

Getting a curve ball like cancer can work out to be quite expensive. Even though medical aid is paying for most of it, there are still the odd things that we have run out of on medical aid because of it being the end of the year. Doctor visits - where some specialists can cost in the region of R650 - and this is without second opinions. Pathologists that cost R1800. Radiologists. OMW, the bills go on!! I think it will probably put us R5k, that wasn't budgeted for, out of pocket. All I can say is thank God I am in a position to afford the extra surprises. Where would I be mentally if this were to be another pressure.

Well I haven't been in much pain, besides the soccer ball pain, which was the last time I took pain killers. If I had to describe what it feels like - well, I am very aware of my boobs in that I can feel everything and all the time - the scars, the perkiness, the nipples. OMW my nipples are extremely sensitive and forever wanting to point - and with all the yawning I do, this happens often. There is sporadic pain, but it happens for just a second where it feels like someone is putting a knitting needle through it. I guess this is the nerves coming alive. My underarm aches the most and is still numb. I believe it is going to be numb for more than 6 months. We changed the dressings ourselves for the first time yesterday. Hil wasn't here, but thankfully I have good friends who could help. I can't believe there is still a stitch that needs removing.

Oncologist today. I hope I don't get frustrated and do the "rescue" thing with him by always wanting to finish his sentences. I am not feeling very compassionate today, so let's hope his stutter is mild (.)(.)

Day 35 - 17 November 2009

Quite a lot is happening in my life right now with regards to connecting. I spoke to another friend of a friend yesterday who was also diagnosed with breast cancer. She has done what I am still to do and I have done what she is still to do. Not sure why treatments are so different - who is the backward one here Cpt or Jhb - hahaha? I guess it shows all the different types of breast cancers there are.

The fact of the matter is that we are both dreading what's ahead, yet we both gave each other comfort that it is not that bad. She tells me that the after-effects of chemo is like one massive hang-over that you get to keep for a good 3 days - joy. God knows I have been there many times before, so maybe it will simply reinforce the joys of being in recovery. She was also relieved to know that the op isn't that bad either. I was back at work 2 days after hospital.

I also went to my recovery meeting for the first time in a month last night. Driving was a bit of a strain, but it was well worth it. Waiting there for me was a new sponsee who is fresh out of rehab. It was suggested to her by another recovery friend that I haven't seen for more than a year as well as one of the councilors at Rehab to look for me as I would be a good sponsor. What a compliment. Well it sure does take the focus off me now doesn't it. God in his wisdom ... or is it that sense of humor again?? Being a sponsor is an honor though, because it is ME that it helps in the end. So I am grateful.

I have also found a willing partner who will do "The Journey" with me. The book I mentioned earlier in this blog. But, more about that another time when I understand it better. Right now it is just a matter of me being willing and wanting to play with something that resonates deeply within me. In a nutshell though, it is of the concept that our cells have intelligence - much like you don't have to think about breathing, growing your nails, hair, etc. That is cell intelligence, it happens automatically. So The Journey basically takes you to the (affected) cells that are holding onto some sort of memory that you need to take cognizance of in order to release it and heal. Yep, hokey, pokey stuff. I've always known in my heart that being diagnosed with breast cancer has a message for me. So I am basically willing to find it. Should be fun, or at the very least ... interesting!!

At this stage though, after a lot of contemplation, I am not sure if I am strong or brave enough NOT to do what the doctors suggest - i.e. go the chemo route. I think I am more than likely going to do everything. What science suggests, what my faith suggests and what my mom suggests. Oh, my mom just wants me to take it easy ... that I can do !!! I don't think I know enough about chemo to make the decision not to do it. Like my best friend in Jhb suggested - it is a known fact that chemo has never killed anyone, but cancer has.

I think I will just have this gnawing doubt (if I don't do it) that will be a huge strain on my faith to find out why it is there in the first place. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I want to know in my gut, after everything I have been given the opportunity to try, that it is gone forever. That is where my faith is taking me right now. It feels almost comforting to have made such a decision. I have a renewed faith in doctors too!! And those feelings I keep telling you about that allows me to decide whether my decision is right or wrong - well, I am not so scared of chemo anymore ... or losing my hair for that matter - so I must be on the right track of thinking (.)(.)

Day 34 - 16 November 2009

I'm trying to catch my breath as I have just been hit in the right tit by a flying soccer ball. It was an accident, and Jordan was playing where he is allowed to play - his bedroom. But bloody hell it is eina. My office seems to be the safest place right now. Jordan was being his normal boisterous self, and has up to now been quite careful with as much compassion as one can expect from a 9 year old. But I am guessing that he is probably feeling worse than me right now, especially the way I cried and doubled up in pain. Not a nice way to start the Monday for either of us. Nevertheless, writing my blog will hopefully take my mind off the pain.

After watching the Farrah Fawcett story that I mentioned yesterday, I have decided that if she allowed the intrusiveness of the cameras to film the most private of things - such as her projectile vomiting, her pain and crying through treatment and even her most prized privacy of all - showing her bald head, especially as a big part of her persona was defined by her hair (they even had a shampoo under her name in her day). Then the best way for me to get over my self-consciousness of the bald stage is to allow everyone to see it. I mean, it is not as though I have Farrah Fawcett hair or anything.

I think it will also help people get over the shock in the privacy of their space and not my space. I am currently in a positive state of mind, and it is very important that I remain here. So if you are the crying type, this will give you a chance to cry in private, because I only have strength for myself right now. I don't have the strength to comfort someone else who is crying for me and because of something as silly as having no hair.

So there will be an upcoming fashion parade to look forward to. An idea I also got from my bosom buddy. There will be before, during and after shots, as well as a fashion show of the latest head gear. I only have 1 bandanna right now and have no idea where to find more. I should have taken advantage of breast cancer awareness month when they were selling them. But my mom supports this cause and apparently has a pile of them she has bought over the years. I think she uses them as dusters - lovely. My mom will be up for Christmas, so that is when I will get them. I hope they are modern enough. I also have to practice how to put them on so that it doesn't look like I am the nanny of the house with a dook on.

Summer seems to have finally arrived today. I am not sure for how long though, but right now I need to go and take some pain pills (.)(.)

Day 33 - 15 November 2009

Yesterday ... I went shopping and now possess more than 1 hospital bra. It felt good to get out. Can you believe, SHOPPING was the big family outing!! Oh, and we also watched our talented little Jordan play Tennis. He is soooooo good. The best in the team actually, even though he is the youngest. The fact that his Yaya used to be a tennis coach in her day might also have something to do with it.

Today ... I am reading the most incredible book that seems to be answering a lot of the questions I have been asking as well as confirming that I am on the right track - HOW AMAZING IS THE SYNCHRONICITY in my life!!!

The book is called "The Journey" by Brandon Bays. It was suggested to me by one of my Writer Circle friends, so I bought it for my hospital days. However, in hospital I was more drawn to reading a fictional book of which I only got as far as the first paragraph after 3 days of trying. Not that the book was uninteresting, it was just that I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes and gave up after finding myself reading the same sentence 10 times and wondering what I had read. I couldn't even concentrate on watching TV, which I only tried to do on the last day in hospital. Must have been the drugs!!

When I first saw who the author of The Journey was, I remembered another book I had by her. I didn't like her style very much, so the book sat there waiting until I was obviously ready. After writing my blog on Friday, and having not much else to do when the interviewers arrived, except soak up the privilege of spending the day reading in bed, I reluctantly picked up this book. OMW is all I can say right now, but will share more, I imagine, as time goes on.

I watched the "Farrah Fawcett story" on M-Net last night. It was a documentary she had produced about her journey through cancer. Although her cancer is different to mine, and her story was quite sad in the end - as she dies, it still did not quench the enthusiasm I feel. It rather reinforced it. What I got out of her story is HOPE. Something I had already mentioned in the early days of starting and sharing this journal. And something I have never lost. It was the main reason Farrah did her documentary, to show the hope that she had for the future and to offer hope to others like her. The fact that she died in the end is immaterial, she survived longer than what she was given and this offered a lot of hope to many who followed her journey.

I always know when I am on the right track. I spontaneously cry tears of happiness and knowing. It's like having those "moments". As I have said before, my beliefs are always based on how I feel.

For now though ... breakfast, book and Hil beckon me to come in - it is family day after all (.)(.)