I wonder why I keep putting off "The Journey" when I was so excited to do it in the beginning. What am I afraid of finding? Instead I entertain thoughts that my recovery is not paying off, when clearly the evidence of my life and length of sobriety proves that it is. This wrong thinking stirs up many uninvited emotions of longing, anger and resentments, then self-pity. Self-pity only because I can't have what I want when I want it. I feel like being that bratty 2-year old so that I can stamp my feet and throw a tantrum.
If left unchecked, where on earth is it going to take me? I need to stay strong in body and mind to face the next stage of my journey. Why on earth am I even entertaining such thoughts? Surely my faith has had its fair share of being tested? This gives a whole new meaning to "self-testing". Knowing both - the "tit self-testing" is much more preferable. Hell, I'm even a pro at it now that I could take it up as a career ... or hobby ... you know, show everyone how to do it!! :-)
I think this is the most scary thing about taking responsibility for my own life and behavior. "Knowing" makes it hard to go back, irrespective of how much the body longs to. I have to say that my intention to becoming a better person has transformed me to the extent that going back would be fatal. Okay that sounds a bit dramatic, but sadly the truth. I think it all boils down to expectation! The more I try to make my life conform to my own expectations, the more uncomfortable it gets for me. It's like I am living in my expectation and fantasy world instead of the reality of how things actually are.
When things don't measure up to my expectation, then surely it is my expectations that need adjusting and not the world, people and places whom I have no control over. I know what it means to have experienced a gratitude for my recovery - all I have to do is compare my life today against how it used to be. Maybe I should extend my gratitude to realizing that people don't conform to MY expectations, but rather exceeds them. Why does "being human" feel so fragile?
As you can see, I am not out of the wood works yet, regarding my moods, cravings and attitude ... but I am getting there. I think I took that "feeling of compassion for myself" a little out of context after the actual experience. What a shame. But, then again ... I am only human (.)(.)
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