Day 48 - 30 November 2009

I can safely say that I am almost pain-free from my op. No more sporadic sharp pain either. A bit of itching still, and when I scratch, it still feels a little tender. It has already been 4 weeks tomorrow since the op. Time does fly indeed. I still don't feel as though I have cancer. I wonder if other cancer-patients feel the same way as me. I am sure to find out soon enough.

I am happy to say that I am out of that scary place of cravings. It feels so overwhelmingly powerful when it is happening. I try my best to remind myself that these powerful urges use to be the Higher Power that I allowed to run amok in my life. Now, I have a different Higher Power much more powerful than my addiction and urges. When I don't act rashly on these urges, but rather take a moment to breath, I remember how very simple the principles of my recovery program is. It is normally the simpleness of such things that make me want to ignore them - yet, when I do acknowledge them, they produce such a profound effect in my life.

When I am in this safe zone, I find that the near-relapses offer me an opportunity to see that there are still a number of triggers out there trying to bring me to my knees. My first reaction is to blame it on other people for putting me in that emotional place, but often it is my own defects that need fixing. It really is much easier to blame the world for what has gone wrong in my life that makes me so emotionally immature. I used to prefer doing that, less responsibility. As much as I still want to do that, it just never feels right in my tummy. It is impossible to ignore the tummy, even though I try and convince myself that I will acknowledge and put the wisdom I already have into practice after a debauch. After all, haven't I heard a million times that having a relapse proves to be THE convincer. However, the nigglies in my tummy also tell me that I don't need convincing as I probably won't have the strength that other people have to come back.

So what am I going to do with this new opportunity of knowledge? Nothing much, except stop standing on my tiptoes to see what the rest of the world is doing (and I am missing out on). I cannot stand firmly on tiptoes. I'm also going to start again with my baby steps. Taking long steps to try and get me to that instant gratification need actually ends up showing me that I cannot walk far with these long strides. So back to basics and back to baby steps, is how I am going to face today. Step 1 is to put on my headphones that remind me to ... breathe in, breathe out ... and I am not even blonde!! (.)(.)

Day 46 - 28 November 2009

I am still noticing major synchronicity in my life. Normally it feels good, and in hindsight, the one I experienced today is also good, but it didn't feel like it at the time.

Having battled most of this week with my own recovery - God, in his wisdom thought it would be funny to wake me up at 04h30 to help a young 21 year old girl. She was pissed out of her mind and had passed out (in her drunken stupour) whilst riding her scooter. Right outside our front gate. She didn't really get hurt, probably because she was so drunk, but to think of who she could have hurt. There was silence for a long while, then Hil heard some black guy talking to her. We thought it was her boyfriend, but he had kindly just helped her to the side of the pavement as she had fallen asleep right in the middle of the road, on top of her scooter.

We immediately brought her in - sobered her up and made sure she got home safely. She was a decent and beautiful young girl, lost in a new city with no friends, no job, no self-esteem. Trying to fit in, but not knowing how to without the confidence boost of drugs and alcohol. In her drunkenness, she still had the manners to acknowledge the help. The acknowledgement was in a way where it felt that she had not experienced a kindness in a long while. That is sad indeed!! The rest of the details about her and what happened are immaterial, but all I can say is, imagine how I would have felt if I didn't hold on this week.

We had the best market day ever today, in sales and beautiful weather ... I like to think of it as a thank you gift from God ... hehehe.

Still haven't gone for my kidney tests. Not for any other reason than lack of enthusiasm. The amazing thing is that I was reminded of it today when they ached. How strange is that. I hope that this is just the mind playing its psychological tricks on me. It felt real though as it woke me up from my arvie nap and I had to sit up for 5 minutes. "Okay, okay I'm going to go already damit!!" It is just one little prick I suppose. I am quite pathetic about this shit ... I act as though I have never experienced a prick in my life!! I have also experienced the one of the "dumb ass jerk" variety. LOL

Today's gratitude list includes being blessed with amazing friends. Friends from afar (yes, very often that call, sms or email arrives at the perfect time), as well as friends who help by going beyond the call of friendship expectation. Okay, I'm not going to get all misty-eyed with the Michael Jackson expression of "I love you all", but hopefully you feel appreciated (.)(.)

Day 45 - 27 November 2009

Oncologist phoned yesterday. My first chemo is booked for Friday 18 December 2009 at 09h30. I have to go for half an hour of counseling before I start. My word ... that sounds like there is going to be emotional hectic-ness attached ... Counseling!! I suppose they need to tell me what they are going to do, what to expect during and after.

I remember the first time I went to see the oncologist, I got a whole file of information - mainly to do with payments - but on top of everything, in the most prominent place of the folder was a social worker's business card. I said "what do I need this for?" Apparently we all have a social worker dedicated to us 24 hours a day in case we need to have a talk ... or cry, I suppose. I'm not sure what I am not getting here, but it does sound more hectic than what I need. Let's see ... they after-all know what they are talking about.

The only problem with me wanting to change my date later is that I have to go to another oncologist. My doctor will be on holiday from the 13th. I don't mind though. They have about 4 oncologists who all work as a team and at some stage during my treatment I would probably get to experience all of them.

We wanted to check how much this chemo is going to cost to make sure that we are covered with medical aid as we only have R200k cover per year. If we go up to the next level on medical aid (an extra R2500 per month), it would be unlimited. Thankfully, without any complications, we are just covered. It looks like the whole deal is going to cost the medical aid R191k ... expensive disease hey!! What happens to those who are not on medical aid? I know they would have to go the government hospital route, but does it mean they have to wait? Waiting is bad for this type of disease ... any disease I guess. Does the government pay as much per patient? You gotta wonder why cancer is so expensive. I do know it must be expensive for any medical research (which is where most of the money supposedly goes) but this must also be the case with other illnesses that need research. Being one of the privileged, it almost feels like I have no right to ask questions!! But as we all know, that's just not me!!

Anyhooo ... with all this fighting and bargaining going on in my head these last few days, I have come to the realization that when I sense my own powerlessness at trying to control my diseases, my soul responds and gives me strength and a greater appreciation of each day. I even showered yesterday!! (.)(.)

Day 44 - 26 November 2009

I wonder why I keep putting off "The Journey" when I was so excited to do it in the beginning. What am I afraid of finding? Instead I entertain thoughts that my recovery is not paying off, when clearly the evidence of my life and length of sobriety proves that it is. This wrong thinking stirs up many uninvited emotions of longing, anger and resentments, then self-pity. Self-pity only because I can't have what I want when I want it. I feel like being that bratty 2-year old so that I can stamp my feet and throw a tantrum.

If left unchecked, where on earth is it going to take me? I need to stay strong in body and mind to face the next stage of my journey. Why on earth am I even entertaining such thoughts? Surely my faith has had its fair share of being tested? This gives a whole new meaning to "self-testing". Knowing both - the "tit self-testing" is much more preferable. Hell, I'm even a pro at it now that I could take it up as a career ... or hobby ... you know, show everyone how to do it!! :-)

I think this is the most scary thing about taking responsibility for my own life and behavior. "Knowing" makes it hard to go back, irrespective of how much the body longs to. I have to say that my intention to becoming a better person has transformed me to the extent that going back would be fatal. Okay that sounds a bit dramatic, but sadly the truth. I think it all boils down to expectation! The more I try to make my life conform to my own expectations, the more uncomfortable it gets for me. It's like I am living in my expectation and fantasy world instead of the reality of how things actually are.

When things don't measure up to my expectation, then surely it is my expectations that need adjusting and not the world, people and places whom I have no control over. I know what it means to have experienced a gratitude for my recovery - all I have to do is compare my life today against how it used to be. Maybe I should extend my gratitude to realizing that people don't conform to MY expectations, but rather exceeds them. Why does "being human" feel so fragile?

As you can see, I am not out of the wood works yet, regarding my moods, cravings and attitude ... but I am getting there. I think I took that "feeling of compassion for myself" a little out of context after the actual experience. What a shame. But, then again ... I am only human (.)(.)

Day 43 - 25 November 2009

I feel like shit today - not physically, but mentally. I have nothing constructive to say so I thought I would try my hand at a bit of poetry.

Out of action
For a lack of satisfaction
Trying something new in creation
To see if I can change my reaction

I feel as lost as Nemo
But not because of the Chemo
It's not flowing so good in this Stream-o
But there's no harm in trying to Dream-o

Isolation is not the way to go
I've already been in that show
There's a lot I don't know
But I know when I am stumping my toe

Hoping for emancipation
It feels rather like constipation
I better consider changing direction
Before the poem starts rhyming with masturbation

Life really doesn't have to suck
But sometimes we do get stuck
And with a little bit of luck
You'll never hear me say - what the fuck!!

So please God let me only look back
To see how far I've come through this crack
And if I don't give you any more flack
Then I'll know I'm on the right track

My journey, I need to embrace
Before I fall flat on my face
If this were to be the case
Then I'm never going to win this race

Hehe ... not bad for a first attempt. A little lost in the middle, but who cares when I do actually feel a little better already!! (.)(.)

Day 42 - 24 November 2009

Misty, drizzly morning today and I have the mood to go with it. I have been obsessing a lot lately about my past life and it has put my recovery in a risky place of urges. It is all I think about and want to do. Get out of it with a splurge of debauch. The danger is that if I continue with this line of thought it will turn into a build-up where the relapse will happen in my mind long before the action. It must stop. I don't want to be fighting 2 battles right now. One day at a time. Or in my case, one minute at a time with white knuckles to prove it.

When I think about the "good ol' days" why can't I think about all the regret. I was talking to my bosom buddy yesterday about the therapeutic-value of writing by hand. The value being, it is your first feelings that don't need editing. When I was in rehab, they taught us the importance of writing a daily inventory - just a journal of your feelings, activities, etc during the last 24 hours. I kept saying that I couldn't wait to get back home so that I could do it on my PC. I can type so much faster than I can write and sometimes when I write, my hand can't keep up with my mind as I have always got so much to say. But if the truth be told, it hurts my hand to write as my right knuckle has fallen due to punching a wall in "the good ol' days", and because I was so embarrassed when I sobered up, I never got it fixed. Consequences and regrets.

Is this God reminding me of these things because I am obsessing? The thing is, I have found this sentiment of hand writing to be true. My blog has taken the place of some of that "hand-writing" stuff and I do notice how much editing I do. Why would I need to edit stuff if I was doing this for me? Because I don't want to feel more exposed than I already have made myself. It makes me feel vulnerable and sensitive to other people's actions that hurt like crazy. It is this hurt that I don't want to face right now. Hence the need for escapism. So what is the solution, besides a night on the town? Fuck knows!! But I sure as hell hope that it is going to come to me soon.

We took my dressings off on Sunday and I have been massaging away to the extent that it is making me paranoid with all the dents and lumps that I can feel. If I was the self-testing type before, I wonder if I would know the difference, or become the hypochondriac who takes mammogram-testing to the extreme.

I got the heads up from my BB (bosom buddy) about not going all the way with shaving the head before its time. I had already decided to only go for a "Number 2". It will give me some feeling of control as to when I choose to let my hair go. But, by shaving your head before it is ready to fall out will create a head full of pimples. Imagine that on top of feeling self-conscious with baldness.

I'm still back and forth with the date of when I want to start chemo. It should be on the 15th, we are wanting to holiday until the 20th, but then again I also want to be relatively well on Christmas day when my family come for lunch. I believe after chemo, you are not well for about 3 days - but because it could be longer on your first one I don't want to take the chance. So I am thinking 17th or 18th now and just cut the holiday a little short. 6 Days camping I think will be enough - I love nature and the outdoors, but I also love my home comforts. So much to consider and think about ... very tiring when .... "all she wants to do is dance dance ...." (.)(.)

Day 41 - 23 November 2009

It seems only yesterday that I was saying how grateful I was to be 15 months clean. Well today it is already 16 months of sobriety. How aboot dat!! Time is a weird thing. I was talking about it with my friend the other day. She was saying when we spoke about my chemo "before you know it, the time will fly past". Time does fly ... when you are having fun. But when you are trying to give up smoking or something, OMW, 5 minutes feels like 5 hours. But that too must be an illusion if 16 months of sobriety seems to have flown by.

I have been feeling weird about this blog!! I am not sure what these feelings are. Sometimes I get bored to write only on the subject of cancer, and other times I feel that I write too much on other things that are irrelevant. I often have to remind myself why and who I am writing for. It is for myself primarily. Regardless of this, I do sometimes feel sensitive about how this writing might affect other people, in a negative way. Why would I feel sensitive if I was really writing for my own self-healing and experience? Sometimes it feels like I am harping too much on "me and my illness", but this is mainly when it doesn't feel like I am really sick. All said and done though, I personally want a record of this experience and all the feelings I had during this experience. So even though I have been considering whether I should continue with this blog or not, the decision is affirmative.

All this thinking and contemplation has taken me to the decision to start 2 new blogs. It will help broaden my horizons and moods. I sometimes don't only want to talk about cancer, so if this be the case, then I can flip to the other blogs of conversation. The one will be what my original primary goal included - addiction recovery - and will more than likely remain anonymous, to allow other contributors the same respect. And the other blog will be about Jordan, a nice record for him to look back on when he is all growed up - to see how annoying and love-able he was. Even though some blogs are not for sharing, to me the technology offers a perfect off-site back-up alternative without having to go the FTP (file transfer protocol) route.

I am also going to try and delay the start of my chemo treatment for the 21 December 2009. School breaks up on the 11th and we want to at least get in a bit of a camping holiday before treatment and the Christmas rush. This way, it is something to look forward to now and it will at least give Jordan a bit of a holiday for school break. It better be okay, because we have already booked. I just have to try and re-schedule Christmas shopping to be before school breaks up. A huge challenge for me when my Christmas shopping is normally done on Christmas eve. Good practice for that procrastination bug.

I am so happy about this job we have just done. A 12-day job was done in 8, which finishes today. So I need to go and get ready for the last day (.)(.)

Day 40 - 22 November 2009

I have still been feeling a little flat in mood and energy-less in body. I'm wondering if this is why I seem to be noticing a lot more pain, especially where the drains were and under my right arm. I find myself subconsciously walking around like I need an arm sling. It is probably psychological more than real.

I just remembered that I have to go for kidney tests this week. They didn't do them with the rest of the testing - i.e. liver, bones, blood, lungs, etc. The oncologist needs it, so another clinic visit this week.

My boobs are looking spectacular though and got a top place on my daily gratitude list. I just love my PS (the architect). For more reasons than just giving me a great pair of boobs. She has really gone that extra mile for us, especially on the administrative side - with papers and advice that are not even within her own department. Something you don't see that often, especially as she is just as successful and busy as the other doctors with a constant flow of patients through her rooms. I don't know if it is a "woman thing", but she seems to run her practice different to what I have seen. Even though she gets annoyed with me for smoking and that I don't speak Afrikaans, she has that nurturing touch as to how she deals with her patients ... maybe being about 7 months pregnant has something to do with it though. I can however relate to how she runs things as we also run our business like a family. It also helps that she looks like a cross between Robin Wright-Penn and Daryl Hannah - I can't decide.

My new bras from Gail look so nice on me that they can pass as a costume top. So this, and a sarong, is what I am going to be wearing for the rest of the weekend around the pool.

I'm going to do my journey this week. I was supposed to do it on Friday, but didn't realize it was Jordan's sports day. I also felt that I was not in the right frame of mind for it, although this could be a subconscious avoidance tactic.

Short post for the weekend because ... just because - too late to think why (.)(.)

Day 38 - 20 November 2009

We certainly got a nice surprise from our friend Gail yesterday. Last night was our planned "night out". After trying to figure out what we should do, Hil and I ended up with only a dinner date to look forward to with a walk around Exclusive Books at the Waterfront. We wanted to avoid going to movies as this is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire with all the home nights of TV we have had. If the truth be told, we both probably wanted to just get away to Grand West or Sun City for a bit of escapism, but we all know how safe that is for me - I would probably end up being like a mine worker not knowing when to stop when he gets a chance to spend his pay cheque. But instead, we got a nice surprise of tickets booked for a comedy show at The Theatre at the Bay. And it was so so funny. Good medicine for a couple of sad sacks. An hour and a half went by so fast that it felt like 30 minutes.

Being a beautiful summer evening, we had a scrumptious dinner on the Camps Bay Boulevard watching the sun go down. After the show, we went back to the same restaurant to have our coffee and dessert. Camps Bay used to be our play ground when we first arrived in Cape Town - 19 years ago. You know, it's the place to be seen (when you have a hot bod). I'm not sure if it is this menopause thing getting to me, but I couldn't help seeing all the trendy's of today strutting up and down and thinking - "when we played here, they were not even Jordan's age!!"

I also noticed at the show that plays and cabarets tend to draw a much older audience. When I mentioned this observation to Hil, her answer was very soothing. She said "well you should feel at home now, being menopausal!". Very funny!!

Yesterday was the last doctor visit until 15 December. Just a check up with my plastic surgeon who is still very happy with my boobs. She was just worried that I hadn't started massaging them and making them a part of me already. Hmmm!! I suppose I have been treating them as though they were a bit alien - but I have never really been into that kind of thing - "massaging my own breasts". But for the sake of healing, I will follow doctors orders. I think she was a little disappointed to see how sad I was yesterday, after being her "Ms Positivity case study". I think the thing getting me though is exactly how Hil described "it's like taking a headache pill just in case I get a headache". Especially as I feel so healthy right now. I have never been the hypochondriac type and with my special "doctor-avoidance" skills, I probably only saw a doctor once a year in the most extreme cases. So these weekly doctors visits in the last month have taken its toll.

My bosom buddy could completely relate to how I was feeling yesterday. She said that she also felt like it was watching a terribly sad movie, except it is a movie of your own life. She also said "I am of the opinion that emotions are good for the soul, it cleanses you and then after a good cry, you are ready to go again". Not such a bad description for a French chick who thinks her English is bad :-)

Today is going to be spent in the sun at Jordan's sports day. I may as well make the most of it as the oncologist has told me that once I start chemo, I have to take it easy in the sun because the skin becomes very sensitive. Also, we have so much crap happening at the school. Adults behaving badly - much like the show we saw last night. So I also want to have fun watching this drama unfold. You wouldn't believe it was a Christian School!! (.)(.)

Day 37 - 19 November 2009

There is something really magical about waking up before 05h00 on a summer morning, especially after a good nights sleep. The menagerie of birds outside my bedroom window sounds like they are showing off because they woke up before me. Despite their noise, there is this complete stillness and feeling that all is well. It overwhelms me sometimes, and today is no exception as I lay in my bed, tears streaming down my face.

It is a different cry and emotion though. I cry for myself and I feel sorry for myself, but not in the self-pity way, more in the compassionate way. I feel sorry for what I have to go through. It is actually quite a liberating feeling to have compassion for myself. I have always pushed it into the self-pity department. This morning, in that comforting quiet space, I allowed myself to feel real compassion. I now know the difference. I don't always have to try and be strong and brave and think that if I have these feelings of sadness that it will make me fall into despair and self-pity - this is the liberation I feel - I am allowed to feel sorry for myself.

I'm not sure what bulldozer was on about as the oncologist didn't stutter once. He was so different to what I had imagined. I like and feel confident with him. He is not bad looking either ... you know, for a man!!

I have Stage 2 cancer and my treatment is going to start 15 December 2009. It consists of 6 months of chemotherapy, 7 weeks of daily radiotherapy and 5 years of hormone therapy. After all this, I have a 90% chance at survival. I am extremely disappointed as I thought I had stage 1 cancer and would be done with all my treatment in 3 months, which is why I confidently made the decision to go for chemo. There are 4 stages of cancer - stage 4 is when you have like 2 months to live, so I guess stage 2 ain't that bad - but it is not as good as stage 1. It still needs aggressive treatment to ensure 90%. But then again, when you look at stats, as I often do being part of my business, I also have a 10% chance of being hit by a bus, or better still a 20% chance of being hit by a taxi.

There was some good news though, although it didn't sound good to me. They tested me for hormone something or another and I was negative (which is apparently good). This means that because I am pre-menopausal (because of my age) they need to treat me in a way that brings on menopause so that those hormones don't interfere too much with other treatments. If I don't respond (i.e. go through all the menopause symptoms such as hot flushes, being a bitch, etc) then they need to stop my oestrogen. Not sure how this is good news, but they seemed over-joyed by this. All I can see is a full-on beard coming my way without female hormones. As though I am not masculine enough!!! Does this mean that I am officially old now? Menopause sounds old, something my grandmother should be going through. Well at least I get to lose my periods!!

I do consider myself lucky in one aspect though. My chemo treatment was supposed to be Phase 1 - 4 x sessions 21 days apart and then Phase 2 - 12 x weekly sessions. But because they are on the last leg of trialing a new chemo drug, they said that they can offer me Phase 2 of being another 4 x sessions (instead of 12) if I become a clinical guinea pig for their clinical trials. It is apparently a very expensive drug that medical aid won't pay for but because it is on trial, I will get it for free. Although it is intravenous, it also contains some pill that builds up the white blood cells in my bone marrow. All it needs from me is to write out a whole bunch of things for them in the end. Of course I want to be a guinea pig when it is 4 vs 12.

When he heard that I was needle-phobic (still haven't found the word for that), he offered to put a "stint" (I think it is called) under my skin to make it easier. This requires another operation though and a foreign object in my body for 6 months {shudder}. I don't think so!! My friend Rhona had this and in the end died of septicemia because of it. I never thought I would ever want to choose needles over another option - but there you go. It will only become absolutely necessary if my veins collapse from all the strain and they can't find any veins towards the end. Another lovely symptom - arteries hardening.

So yep, today I am feeling sad and disappointed - but not negative. It is just something I have to go through that is going to take the best part of 2010 and that is crap! I feel imprisoned by it. I am certainly not "bored" anymore with this cancer!!

My mom was going to come for Christmas and had her ticket booked for 22nd December. I have asked her to try and change it for the 14th because I want my mommy!! I haven't felt that way in a long time and it feels completely foreign to me, but I do. I think I want her to be here so that she can also go through the whole process with me. Which includes being with me when I shave my head. I don't want it to be a complete shock for her when she sees me, I think it will be less traumatic if she is going through it with me.

I tried to put the whole thing off until next year - but they insist that I start 6 weeks after operation so that the cells don't get active again. By Christmas I will be totally Britney Speared!! I will be singing that song I haven't sung since I was a toothless child ... "All I want for Christmas is my .... " (.)(.)

Day 36 - 18 November 2009

I can't believe it is nearly the end of the year already. I have achieved quite a lot of my goals this year, thankfully. I have always been a goal-setter and many-a-year they have gone horribly astray, but this year they were right on track. Clearly, my recovery had a lot to do with it. Who would have thought that this little trip was going to be included. In a way, it still seems surreal to me. I don't feel like I have cancer. And quite frankly, I'm quite bored with the whole thing already.

I have only spent 2 real days at home resting and "convalescing", and I'm going out of my head with boredom. Not a good place for me to be. The boredom makes me demotivated to do anything else. There is only so many books one can read, and when my interviewers leave and I have access to my PC, there is a lot I can do - but by then I am so tired of being tired that I can't move my arse to do anything. TV is also driving me up the wall. My energy levels are way down to do even the "fun" type things that have been on my to-do list for a while. Things like sort the photos into Photo collages, walk the dog, knit :-) my new hobby, suduko. Tomorrow night, Hil and I are going to have a night out to try and break this frustrating cabin-fever. She is also feeling it a bit. God help us when I am really sick with the chemo!!

Getting a curve ball like cancer can work out to be quite expensive. Even though medical aid is paying for most of it, there are still the odd things that we have run out of on medical aid because of it being the end of the year. Doctor visits - where some specialists can cost in the region of R650 - and this is without second opinions. Pathologists that cost R1800. Radiologists. OMW, the bills go on!! I think it will probably put us R5k, that wasn't budgeted for, out of pocket. All I can say is thank God I am in a position to afford the extra surprises. Where would I be mentally if this were to be another pressure.

Well I haven't been in much pain, besides the soccer ball pain, which was the last time I took pain killers. If I had to describe what it feels like - well, I am very aware of my boobs in that I can feel everything and all the time - the scars, the perkiness, the nipples. OMW my nipples are extremely sensitive and forever wanting to point - and with all the yawning I do, this happens often. There is sporadic pain, but it happens for just a second where it feels like someone is putting a knitting needle through it. I guess this is the nerves coming alive. My underarm aches the most and is still numb. I believe it is going to be numb for more than 6 months. We changed the dressings ourselves for the first time yesterday. Hil wasn't here, but thankfully I have good friends who could help. I can't believe there is still a stitch that needs removing.

Oncologist today. I hope I don't get frustrated and do the "rescue" thing with him by always wanting to finish his sentences. I am not feeling very compassionate today, so let's hope his stutter is mild (.)(.)

Day 35 - 17 November 2009

Quite a lot is happening in my life right now with regards to connecting. I spoke to another friend of a friend yesterday who was also diagnosed with breast cancer. She has done what I am still to do and I have done what she is still to do. Not sure why treatments are so different - who is the backward one here Cpt or Jhb - hahaha? I guess it shows all the different types of breast cancers there are.

The fact of the matter is that we are both dreading what's ahead, yet we both gave each other comfort that it is not that bad. She tells me that the after-effects of chemo is like one massive hang-over that you get to keep for a good 3 days - joy. God knows I have been there many times before, so maybe it will simply reinforce the joys of being in recovery. She was also relieved to know that the op isn't that bad either. I was back at work 2 days after hospital.

I also went to my recovery meeting for the first time in a month last night. Driving was a bit of a strain, but it was well worth it. Waiting there for me was a new sponsee who is fresh out of rehab. It was suggested to her by another recovery friend that I haven't seen for more than a year as well as one of the councilors at Rehab to look for me as I would be a good sponsor. What a compliment. Well it sure does take the focus off me now doesn't it. God in his wisdom ... or is it that sense of humor again?? Being a sponsor is an honor though, because it is ME that it helps in the end. So I am grateful.

I have also found a willing partner who will do "The Journey" with me. The book I mentioned earlier in this blog. But, more about that another time when I understand it better. Right now it is just a matter of me being willing and wanting to play with something that resonates deeply within me. In a nutshell though, it is of the concept that our cells have intelligence - much like you don't have to think about breathing, growing your nails, hair, etc. That is cell intelligence, it happens automatically. So The Journey basically takes you to the (affected) cells that are holding onto some sort of memory that you need to take cognizance of in order to release it and heal. Yep, hokey, pokey stuff. I've always known in my heart that being diagnosed with breast cancer has a message for me. So I am basically willing to find it. Should be fun, or at the very least ... interesting!!

At this stage though, after a lot of contemplation, I am not sure if I am strong or brave enough NOT to do what the doctors suggest - i.e. go the chemo route. I think I am more than likely going to do everything. What science suggests, what my faith suggests and what my mom suggests. Oh, my mom just wants me to take it easy ... that I can do !!! I don't think I know enough about chemo to make the decision not to do it. Like my best friend in Jhb suggested - it is a known fact that chemo has never killed anyone, but cancer has.

I think I will just have this gnawing doubt (if I don't do it) that will be a huge strain on my faith to find out why it is there in the first place. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I want to know in my gut, after everything I have been given the opportunity to try, that it is gone forever. That is where my faith is taking me right now. It feels almost comforting to have made such a decision. I have a renewed faith in doctors too!! And those feelings I keep telling you about that allows me to decide whether my decision is right or wrong - well, I am not so scared of chemo anymore ... or losing my hair for that matter - so I must be on the right track of thinking (.)(.)

Day 34 - 16 November 2009

I'm trying to catch my breath as I have just been hit in the right tit by a flying soccer ball. It was an accident, and Jordan was playing where he is allowed to play - his bedroom. But bloody hell it is eina. My office seems to be the safest place right now. Jordan was being his normal boisterous self, and has up to now been quite careful with as much compassion as one can expect from a 9 year old. But I am guessing that he is probably feeling worse than me right now, especially the way I cried and doubled up in pain. Not a nice way to start the Monday for either of us. Nevertheless, writing my blog will hopefully take my mind off the pain.

After watching the Farrah Fawcett story that I mentioned yesterday, I have decided that if she allowed the intrusiveness of the cameras to film the most private of things - such as her projectile vomiting, her pain and crying through treatment and even her most prized privacy of all - showing her bald head, especially as a big part of her persona was defined by her hair (they even had a shampoo under her name in her day). Then the best way for me to get over my self-consciousness of the bald stage is to allow everyone to see it. I mean, it is not as though I have Farrah Fawcett hair or anything.

I think it will also help people get over the shock in the privacy of their space and not my space. I am currently in a positive state of mind, and it is very important that I remain here. So if you are the crying type, this will give you a chance to cry in private, because I only have strength for myself right now. I don't have the strength to comfort someone else who is crying for me and because of something as silly as having no hair.

So there will be an upcoming fashion parade to look forward to. An idea I also got from my bosom buddy. There will be before, during and after shots, as well as a fashion show of the latest head gear. I only have 1 bandanna right now and have no idea where to find more. I should have taken advantage of breast cancer awareness month when they were selling them. But my mom supports this cause and apparently has a pile of them she has bought over the years. I think she uses them as dusters - lovely. My mom will be up for Christmas, so that is when I will get them. I hope they are modern enough. I also have to practice how to put them on so that it doesn't look like I am the nanny of the house with a dook on.

Summer seems to have finally arrived today. I am not sure for how long though, but right now I need to go and take some pain pills (.)(.)

Day 33 - 15 November 2009

Yesterday ... I went shopping and now possess more than 1 hospital bra. It felt good to get out. Can you believe, SHOPPING was the big family outing!! Oh, and we also watched our talented little Jordan play Tennis. He is soooooo good. The best in the team actually, even though he is the youngest. The fact that his Yaya used to be a tennis coach in her day might also have something to do with it.

Today ... I am reading the most incredible book that seems to be answering a lot of the questions I have been asking as well as confirming that I am on the right track - HOW AMAZING IS THE SYNCHRONICITY in my life!!!

The book is called "The Journey" by Brandon Bays. It was suggested to me by one of my Writer Circle friends, so I bought it for my hospital days. However, in hospital I was more drawn to reading a fictional book of which I only got as far as the first paragraph after 3 days of trying. Not that the book was uninteresting, it was just that I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes and gave up after finding myself reading the same sentence 10 times and wondering what I had read. I couldn't even concentrate on watching TV, which I only tried to do on the last day in hospital. Must have been the drugs!!

When I first saw who the author of The Journey was, I remembered another book I had by her. I didn't like her style very much, so the book sat there waiting until I was obviously ready. After writing my blog on Friday, and having not much else to do when the interviewers arrived, except soak up the privilege of spending the day reading in bed, I reluctantly picked up this book. OMW is all I can say right now, but will share more, I imagine, as time goes on.

I watched the "Farrah Fawcett story" on M-Net last night. It was a documentary she had produced about her journey through cancer. Although her cancer is different to mine, and her story was quite sad in the end - as she dies, it still did not quench the enthusiasm I feel. It rather reinforced it. What I got out of her story is HOPE. Something I had already mentioned in the early days of starting and sharing this journal. And something I have never lost. It was the main reason Farrah did her documentary, to show the hope that she had for the future and to offer hope to others like her. The fact that she died in the end is immaterial, she survived longer than what she was given and this offered a lot of hope to many who followed her journey.

I always know when I am on the right track. I spontaneously cry tears of happiness and knowing. It's like having those "moments". As I have said before, my beliefs are always based on how I feel.

For now though ... breakfast, book and Hil beckon me to come in - it is family day after all (.)(.)

Day 31 - 13 November 2009

The big lesson of yesterday's grumps was given to me via something I had already written in this journal - learning to BE ... no matter what. I think I am set to have the ride of my life on this emotional roller-coaster. I also think I am supposed to allow myself to FEEL what each of these emotions feel like - even if they are unpleasant. Something I habitually drowned in the past with the closest addiction available to me. I therefore believe that this journey I am on is forcing me to heal in many areas of my life - not necessarily just the physical.

Am I ready for it? My immediate answer would be "NO!" - but then again, that is the difference between self-will and surrendering to the acceptance of God's will. The strength and physical healing I am so willing to accept doesn't necessarily come with the TIMING I want for other healings. But as I have come to learn from the stand-point of hindsight - in the end, everything is perfectly timed.

When all is said and done though, I also think that this is going to be my biggest learning curve in life. My recovery was the first step on this journey. Breast cancer is the second step. I have a feeling that it is going to take me along the road of self-forgiveness which ends at the destination of REAL healing. But that is a whole new ball game of story that I HOPE will only be reserved for me, so right now, back to the subject at hand.

My appointments with the 2 x surgeons yesterday ended well. The good news is that they are both still very happy with my physical healing, attitude and recovery that they both want to use me as a case study - I suppose for their other patients who battle with "victim" attitude and take longer to heal. I don't know, I am just assuming what the "case study" could be. Being an exhibitionist, I have no problem being the local flasher to show of my new boobies. This is a good thing as I am sure that photographs of my boobs will be a part of this case study.

One good thing that happened for the medical fraternity is that my operation brought 2 very talented surgeons together. They were at logger-heads with each other in the beginning. I suppose it must be difficult to know who is taking ownership of an operation when you are used to working on your own and being in charge. I even got confused. But I got to see the "human-ness" in both of them when they eventually let go of their egos, and now they sing each others praises. No matter who you are or what you do, ego protects having to go near that scary place of vulnerability - you know, the one that exposes the fact that it is okay to share without having to always be Mr Right. So the "bulldozer" and the "architect" will be working a lot together in the future, I imagine.

Bulldozer gave me a mouthful yesterday when I told him that I was considering not doing chemo. He wanted to know what university I went to that gives me the scientific knowledge and experience to make such a decision. When I told him that the thinking started when he said that I was cancer-free. OMG - he then went on the attack of telling me that I am a specialist at "selective hearing". They had only fixed the boobies and got rid of the tumor - not the disease. Hmm ... was that what I heard originally?? Still, my decision will be made after I have seen the oncologist.

Anyway, from the start, bulldozer and I have been like 2 bulls in a china shop, but the appointment ended with a lot of laughs. When I asked him if I should be doing any exercises to assist the healing process, like a typical man, he said "well you could do this" showing me how to massage and touch the boobs in a suggestive way. I knew he was a player!!!

My oncologist appointment is set for next Wednesday. I am so glad bulldozer told me upfront that he has a stutter. Can you imagine how confident I would have felt seeing a professional looking at my tits going "I, I, I, I ... " So even though my oncology appointments may take longer than I expect, I am told that he is the best in his field. I will definitely make sure that his impediment does not influence my decision.

My interviewers are about to arrive so best I get a move on. That's the nice thing about working from home, I can still stay in my jarmies. I got dressed up yesterday for the briefing, which nicely coincided with the doctors appointment, but they were warned and told to have a good look, because it is not how I am going to be dressed in the next 2 weeks. I am taking my rest and healing seriously now (.)(.)

Day 30 - 12 November 2009

Today is just one of those days that I can't do noise. Our house is always noisy in the mornings with having to get an ADHD child ready for school. Even the birds on my tin roof in the office (my supposed sanctuary) are getting to me. I think it is the sleep deprivation thing again. My sleep patterns are up to shit.

Check up day with the doctors today. I can't wait to get these dressings off. They seem to be pulling on the wounds that are healing. I can't effectively itch these wounds with all this dressing. It either hurts if I go too hard or irritates for not getting to that itch. The right underarm also feels a bit chaffed from the plaster with all the PC/mouse work, which is a weird burning sensation, as it is still numb.

I must say though, I have acquired new skills since the op. I can shower without getting the boobies/dressings too wet - a real party trick. I have become ambidextrous when it comes to giving my right arm a break with the mouse and also when unable to get to those hard to reach places - the wiping variety. This last skill came quite early though. I remember in the hospital after the op. I woke up at 3am and was bursting for the loo, and there was no ways I was going to have a bed pan. I needed to find a way to get up with all these drains and drips. I buzzed the nurse on duty, who helped me up. Talk about feeling woozy, but I'm glad I did it then, because it meant I could go and have a smoke when I woke up properly in the morning. The nurse had to stand with me in the loo so that she could hold all the equipment hanging from my body. Talk about getting stage fright as we both looked up at the ceiling, humming. When it finally came, it wouldn't stop, probably because I was afraid there would be a full stop at the end. So you can imagine how quickly I wanted to get out of there. Hence, the learning of the left hand wipe.

I don't really have much to say today, so I am going to make this a short post. I am going to try practice choosing happiness over grumpiness as Hil kindly reminded me that I can do something about the way I feel. I just don't feel like choosing right now - but it is not fair on everyone else around me I guess. So here we go :-))))))))))) ... naah, it didn't work - (.)(.)

Day 29 - 11 November 2009

I sure do get a smile and a giggle out of some of the comments left on here - it helps when I am in that self-pity mode as I was yesterday.

I had to really think about why I was in such a bad mood yesterday. Making everyone's life around me a misery and making sure they knew I was not fit for human consumption.

If the truth be told, it did come as a shock when I came to the realization that I am not actually Super Woman. It was the same shocker I got in my recovery programme when I realized that the whole world doesn't revolve around me and that I wasn't actually God. I have however learned to receive these realizations as a gift. It is quite a thing to experience humility as a gift. I used to think it was a weakness to be humble as it somehow seemed to conflict with my struggle to achieve inner strength. But, it is in fact a major strength as it shows that I am learning about self-trust and self-love. I get to lose my ego and without this ego, I notice that it is easier to let people in.

Yesterday, I think I was very irritated with my body because I could feel I was doing too much. I am very grateful for the work that has just come in, it is easy work and pays well and really only takes a few hours of my time every day. But being at the computer all day yesterday to set it up for everyone to start on Thursday took its toll on the bod and that irritated me.

I also think that because I have done so well up to now with very little pain and strain felt like a lie yesterday. I was in a lot of pain yesterday and it felt like I had been fooled. But by being honest with myself, I recognized that I am not always in charge of when and how everything needs to be. I need to continue to do my part and trust that I am healing in ways that aren't always obvious to me. I need to remind myself each day to be patient and persevere with the changes happening to me and accept that I may need time (and help from others) to adjust to this change. It is a after all a process, not a one-time event. So even though I am grateful for the work, I think that I resented the fact that I also long for my quiet time to contemplate my navel and listen out for the big answers I need.

It is supposed to be summer here in Cape Town, but it is like full-blown winter with the rain to go with it. This is definitely bed weather, so I am enjoying the timing of this strange weather. This was another thing I resented yesterday - I should have been in bed and not sitting at my PC.

I think I am on the right track with my thinking. As serendipity would have it, I have just received my J-F-T reading and it was about "Surrender to Acceptance" - “We surrender quietly and let the God of our understanding take care of us.”

So on that note, I do have a few hours work to finish up. But when everyone starts tomorrow, it is almost forcing me to stay in bed as I have to give up my PC to get the job done within 2 weeks. I am therefore the last person singing "rain rain go away" - sorry to yous needing to get the washing done (.)(.)

Day 28 - 10 November 2009

I feel as though things are starting to come to life again. My underarm is still numb, but my nipples (which they saved, and are my own) are aching. It is a little chilly, but as I am warmly dressed, I see no reason why they would insist on spontaneously doing the "pointer sister" act, it hurts a little.

I am considering NOT going the chemo route. I'm not sure why these thoughts keep hounding me. I'm wondering why I actually need it if I am "cancer-free". I'm also feeling inadequately informed. Perhaps it has to do with the email I got from a supplier telling me all the "pharmaceutical conspiracies" with mammograms, chemo and radiotherapy. You always get this "2 sides to every story" thing, no matter what the situation or topic - pregnancy, medicines, politics, religion. Sometimes you just have to look within to know what is your own belief and truth. That is how my beliefs are always formed, by my feelings and not by what I have been told by another human being. I was rather upset getting this email actually. I think it is cruel to give someone something like this when they have gone too far in their treatment and can't actually turn back the clock and take the advice given in the email, that's if I had to believe in such a theory. More than that though, it did show me how very uninformed and trusting I am. I have not made my decision yet, and will not, until I am properly informed, which includes talking to the doctors, to God and Google. You know, the "what will happen if I don't do chemo" type talk.

I have been too tired to actually want to go through all the second opinions, researching, etc, so it was easier to trust what the doctors said. But I do believe that if I open myself up to what the bigger me wants, I will be guided. This starts with being informed. I don't mean researching all the conspiracies, but just being properly informed in all areas of my treatment and life.

I also don't appreciate getting the videos, poems and stories related to death, funerals and "IT'S OKAY TO DIE IF YOU KNOW JESUS" from well-meaning people who "DON'T KNOW ME" if they think it is necessary to send this!!

I'm feeling rather grumpy and not my normal positive self today, so I am going to make this a short post before it turns into a bitching session which might end up hurting some people.

I got a research job in yesterday to be finished by the end of November. I am not unhappy about it, but as my Dad used to say "No rest for the wicked" (.)(.)

Day 27 - 09 November 2009

Check out my passion-killer bra ... "training-bra" has nothing on this one. It does look comfy though and all that I have until the swelling goes down and I know what my actual size is. I am thinking I am AA or maybe even a B cup. Quite a novelty for me since hanging with the D group. At this stage, it feels like I never need a bra - quite cool actually.

My check-up appointments with both surgeons is on Thursday. This is when they take off the dressings and set me up with the oncologist. There is still that 1% chance that I might not even need chemo, but I will definitely need radiotherapy. Let's see which way it swings. Either way, I am prepared. I am already starting to itch, so healing has definitely happened. In-fact the day after taking out the drains, the holes were already closed up and looking healed. Truly amazing.

As though we haven't had enough hospitals. On Friday night, my first night out of hospital, we got a bit of a scare. I had already taken my medication by 10ish, which included a sleeping pill. Hil was also going to take a sleeping pill because she has not been sleeping too well in my absence. Thank God she didn't because at 11ish, Jordan came up to our room screaming in pain. His stomach was cramping. We didn't want to mess with it as it could have been anything, the way he was carrying on. Even though he is rather dramatise (like I am sure most men and boys are) when something is sore, he never pretends to be sick. So off Hil had to go to take him to the hospital, just in case it was his appendix or something. I am so grateful for friends, because I was in no position to go with Hil after taking my sleeping pill, so "Koekie Koeksermoer" was woken from her slumber to lend a helping hand, which she did with absolute pleasure. All was sorted after a teaspoon of bascupan, but I only knew the next morning because I was way in the land of nod before the car had even left. The moral of the story is only one parent at a time can take a sleeping pill.

I've been feeling a little aggro this morning and I think it is because I was remembering the visit I had on Wednesday morning at the hospital. This strange woman asked if she could visit with me. Hil was on her way out and I was getting ready to push some zzzzzz's, so I couldn't exactly escape. She told me that she had looked on the register at reception and wanted to pray for all the Christians. What about the Jews and Muslims? I actually think she looked for all the cancer patients because the other ladies in my ward were also christian and she didn't pray for them. What was this - my last rites?? I don't mind being prayed for, and actually think it is quite a kind thing to do, but come on man ... she didn't even know me or what relationship I had with God and was asking if I knew I was going to go to heaven. Was she trying to "save" me before I die? I said to her "Sweetheart, I've got news for you ... this is heaven and there is no such thing as hell, lest you believe in it. Anyway, I am really tired, so can we just do our little prayer of thanks so that I can get some sleep". I think she probably would have got more compassion and appreciation from me for the service role she is playing if she didn't look so hung-over. Holding on to her head with red eyes, red face and a blue bulbous nose. I've been there, so I know the look and feel. Rather than get angry and wanting people to realise that there are different routes to the same destination, perhaps I should pray for her instead. She meant well I suppose, although I am thinking " My last rites ... honestly!!!"

Yesterday I finally found a way to sleep on my side. Since the op, I could only sleep on my back and it gets rather uncomfortable. Hil did lose her pillows in the interim, but the continentals came in use for a change. No more being decorative for them.

The doctor says I can drive in a week and can basically do what I want in moderation - i.e. sit by the computer. I can't go as far as hanging the washing, but I must try and stretch up from time to time. I can already stretch both arms right up, so this is good, but I will definitely take her advice on the domestic side of things - not that I actually hang the washing in this house!! She said if I want I can stay in bed for 3 weeks, but it is not necessary. I guess if I worked for a company I would definitely take advantage, but I am glad I can still keep up-to-date with my own work. I will only be spending about 3-4 hours a day at work this week and then take it easy with all those lovely books that I have recently acquired. And yes, I will most probably stay in my new jarmies - they are so comfortable and the weather is perfect for it. Besides, PJ's will remind my friends I am still sick and in need of pampering, right? (.)(.)

Day 26 - 08 November 2009

Ag ... it was nothing man!! My hospital visit was like a holiday to me - good service, good food, good company in the ward and my visitors, very little pain and lots of sleep. I was happy to get home Friday lunchtime, but I am taking full advantage of wearing out my new PJ's. When I am in PJ's it feels like I need to be close to the horizontal position as possible. So haven't really done much since my return except enjoy lots of visitors. I have even managed to do the dishes twice already - I can't let Hil do all the running around you know, even though I did say on the way home "so what is on the menu for lunch?"

That first night in hospital, after the op when I couldn't move, I even had a bed bath. It was from Whoopi Goldberg though and not Izzy Stevens :-). It felt like a real relaxing self-nurture at a Spa until I felt her heading towards my polly. I immediately told her that I did have a shower this morning and she just said "Mmm-hmm, that's nice" and away she headed downwards. "Ok, this is a little awkward" I said - but Whoopi was so professional that it is probably as normal for her to wash snyfies as it is to wash toetsies.

The food was fantastic. I must be an easy camper or something because everyone around me was bitching about the food - too dry, too this, too that. It was a 3 course meal, 3 times a day and I loved being served like that ... you know, in bed. Every time I opened my eyes, there was this beautifully served meal that I always seemed hungry for. Even when I left, I gave the squinted girlie who served me a big hug to say thank you for a job well done and she said "it was a pleasure serving you" - how nice is that.

The only real pain I had was when they took out the 3 drains. OMG that was painful, and my level of pain can be measured by my level of swearing. The first 2 drains on the second day included the F@* word but the 3rd drain on the last day only included "bloody hell man". The drain is put in with a stitch, and they take it out with what looks like a hooked nail file {shudder}.

Apparently they battled to control my pain after the op and I was in recovery for an hour, but I don't remember that. I also had this fantasy that I was going to have my very own morphine control to press the button every time I felt a tinge of pain (or needed a high). Like you see in the movies. But that illusion was quickly smashed when on the first night I got the "needle in my bum" pain killer. After that it was "you know what, Panado will do for me".

I did have to get a needle in my tummy every night for circulation though. I had the nurses in stitches with how I always had to ready myself - "okay ... go - no, no, no wait a minute I'm not ready - 1, 2, 3 - okay now". The one night they all gathered around to see the show because they didn't believe the sister who had to administer it. Oh well, as long as I can give someone a laugh I suppose.

I honestly didn't feel much pain besides that. Both my surgeons were really surprised with my recovery and lack of pain, so all I can believe is that it is nothing short of a miracle. When my PS came in to check on me, I immediately lifted my shirt before she closed the curtains and she said "let me close the curtains first as everyone is going to see". I just said - "oh don't worry about them, they've all seen it already, I'm showing them off you know". She should be chuffed with herself on such a good job. They really are beautiful perky pets that I now have with very little scars. I am surprised actually, as the tumor was on top of my breast but the scars are all where you do the pencil test. That pencil will now be falling, falling falling!!

In the beginning, it was uncomfortable and reminded me of the time when I gave up breast feeding and they had to stop the milk. They tied me up really tight, where it felt like my breasts were coming out of my back. Now, it just feels like I have a tight bra on that should be a size bigger. My boobs and right arm are still rather numb though. I guess being a smoker also helps with the recovery. I was up and about by 6am the next morning.

The best news was left until last and put me on a natural high. The surgeon came to give me the results of the biopsy. He sat down with his coffee and I thought "oh crap, this is bad". Normally he is in such a hurry that I never had a chance to ask a single question, now he is taking his time. But he said - "okay, so the result is that we cut out all the cancer and the 7 nodes we removed are all clear". "Woo hoo, that is fantastic" I said "does it mean I don't need to do chemo and radiotherapy?". Unfortunately I still do, because nodes 8 and 9 might still be affected and once you have cancer, there is a chance that there are a few loose cells floating around.

Because I am ONLY 45 years old and have many years ahead of me, is the reason why they need to take the precaution of chemo and radiotherapy to make sure there is no chance of its return in 5 years from now. You know what, I can live with that. I had already accepted it before coming to hospital. It is great news to think I am basically tumor (and cancer) free now, just taking precautions.

On being discharged though, the big balabos sister (she must have been the matron) tried to bring me down from my high a bit. She tried to warn me of the dark days ahead that I must be prepared for. It didn't work though, I am still very happy and am under no illusion of what lies ahead - but that is then and this is now.

Wait until you see the bra I got ... I will maybe post a photo of it (.)(.)

Day 21 - 03 November 2009

Today's the day to take that first step. I thought I would look as though I have a bad case of the DT's today and be saying that I lied about being "a little afraid" and that I was actually scared shitless, pooparooks, freaked out beyond measure. Surprisingly, I AM NOT. I am rather calm. Only last night did I have a few butterflies whilst lying in bed, but they seem to have gone now.

I am convinced that all the prayers and support everyone has been offering really got noticed upstairs. Besides, God and I have been good buds for many years, so he knows when I really need his strength and help and when I am just being bratty. He also knows that I am expecting good news on my wake up and/or major strength to face whatever else is in store for me. I'm letting that go now and will trust that things will be as they will be, no matter what that BE shall be. The future's not ours to see, kay se ra se ra ... LOL - I couldn't resist breaking out in song - we always do in this family.

A few deep breaths during the injection ceremony will hopefully help together with a tight squeeze of the nurses hand and I should pull through that little road block. I hope the nurse looks like Izzy Stevens :-). I need to get out more, I clearly watch too much TV.

My operation is scheduled for 13h30 and is going to be 3 hours long. Hectic. I'm glad that my op is in the afternoon instead of the morning, hopefully this will ensure a good nights sleep.

I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything from 06h00. I thought I would have to force myself to eat breakfast, but somehow I always seem to wake up an hour before the alarm clock. Even though I set my clock an hour earlier today, it still happened. So I imagine I will be hungry by 05h30. It's the tea and coffee I will have withdrawals from. I have always been a big drinker ... in all forms ... now they take my tea away!!! Deeemit!! I am also going to take it easy with the smoking from today. Doctor's suggestion. By this time tomorrow though, I imagine my lungs will be clapping.

I hope there are no bitch nurses in the ward. You know the ones who tend to wake you up, just as you are dozing off, to give you a sleeping pill. I also hope that I don't have any "conservatives or sensitives" in my ward. I am known to swear a lot when I am in pain. I have been told that I more than likely am going to be getting morphine. I can't really say how I feel about this - no matter how committed I am to my recovery, doesn't mean I don't think about and want to get shit-faced every now and then. It seems different though, because I really need these drugs and would rather have an intervention than pain. Even though drugs are not my main problem, I do want to remain vigilant on all accounts.

I am good to go now having done my major shaveathon last night - (legs, etc). So all that there is left to do now is to pack my pretty pink negligee and matching slippers. Oh crap, I wonder if I needed to get a dressing gown. The negligee is a little see-through :-). Oh well, an excuse to show off my new boobies.

I am expecting to be home by the weekend and have decided to not do any posts until my return. I am going to take my rest seriously - that and enjoying every minute of being in goo-goo-land. So, like my FB Status said yesterday ... let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, do it, do it (.)(.)

Day 20 - 02 November 2009

I wish I hadn't watched Scrubs, ER or Greys Anatomy. I have been pondering about what the doctors actually get up to in theatre. I hope they don't fight or anything. I also wish I wasn't thinking about that horror story I heard about when that woman was paralyzed by the anesthetic. She could feel and hear the whole thing but couldn't move or tell anyone {shudder}. NO, instead I'm going to be thinking of the cruise Hil, Jordan and I want to take to some tropical island, sometime soon. I want to think about Jordan's beautiful hair and how we are trying to stretch the rest of this term without having to give him a haircut. He will have this beautiful long hair for the Christmas holidays. He looks like such a jock when his hair has a bit of length to it. I want to think about the freedom I feel on my scooter. I want to think about my friends coming from Jhb to spend time with us during my chemo days. I want to think how fortunate I am to have re-connected with all the people I have never stopped caring for. I want to think about how fortunate I am to feel real gratitude for all my blessings. I want to KNOW that I am one of the fortunate few to have detected this cancer before it got out of hand.

It never occurred to me before being diagnosed with breast cancer why it was so important to make people aware of breast cancer. Why would we even dedicate a whole month to it - we don't dedicate a month to prostate cancer or lung cancer do we? I read somewhere that breast cancer is South Africa's leading killer in woman. I couldn't believe it actually as breast cancer is the easiest to treat and the "best" cancer to get in terms of survival rate. Why would it be killing woman then? Because we don't detect it early enough. I guess it is also a factor that 90% of our population does not have the means to being informed on how simple a task this is. They are simply trying to just make ends meet and get a meal for the day. To be honest though, despite being one of the fortunate few who is in a position to being informed, I am most guilty of thinking I don't really need to listen to things like this because it would never happen to me. You know me ... "rebel" ... what crap though, it is pure and simple laziness on my part. Knowing requires responsibility, and it was something I avoided a lot until recently. I am just so fortunate that things happened the way they did for me to detect my cancer in time. Got clean, got responsible, checked my health, etc. And that I have the means to have the treatment I am going to get. Someone or something sure is looking out for me out there. If I think of all the people I know, there are only 3 who have actually gone for a mammogram, let alone do self-testing. But then again, it is not exactly a favorable topic of conversation around the dinner table, is it? So what do I actually know?

This little blog of mine started as a daily journal for self-helping myself. It has however connected me to family and friends (current, lost and new) as well as different types of people from all walks of life. It has shown me growth in myself during this short period of time and how important it is to just be myself, no matter how vulnerable that makes me. In doing so, and when people can relate, I feel that it kinda shows them that it is also OK to be yourself too. Whatever that may be - scared, lonely, happy, sad, powerless, brave, gay, loved, angry, arrogant, stupid, funny, resentful, successful, embarrassing, beautiful ... we are all these things aren't we?

I bumped into an old friend/business associate at the Milnerton Medi-Clinic recently. She was doing some lecture and I was doing that "needle in my tittie trip". She has a successful business with a following of some 30 000 woman and 800 000 hits to her website every month. We have re-connected and she has requested an interview with me to go onto her website to share with other woman who might end up wanting to link up with me via my blog. Eish, talk about responsibility to continue living a life of authenticity and remaining true to myself. I'm up to it though and believe that God has many more surprises in store for me. That's the thing you know, we all have the responsibility to share something with someone ... even if it is just a smile. (.)(.)