Day 48 - 30 November 2009

I can safely say that I am almost pain-free from my op. No more sporadic sharp pain either. A bit of itching still, and when I scratch, it still feels a little tender. It has already been 4 weeks tomorrow since the op. Time does fly indeed. I still don't feel as though I have cancer. I wonder if other cancer-patients feel the same way as me. I am sure to find out soon enough.

I am happy to say that I am out of that scary place of cravings. It feels so overwhelmingly powerful when it is happening. I try my best to remind myself that these powerful urges use to be the Higher Power that I allowed to run amok in my life. Now, I have a different Higher Power much more powerful than my addiction and urges. When I don't act rashly on these urges, but rather take a moment to breath, I remember how very simple the principles of my recovery program is. It is normally the simpleness of such things that make me want to ignore them - yet, when I do acknowledge them, they produce such a profound effect in my life.

When I am in this safe zone, I find that the near-relapses offer me an opportunity to see that there are still a number of triggers out there trying to bring me to my knees. My first reaction is to blame it on other people for putting me in that emotional place, but often it is my own defects that need fixing. It really is much easier to blame the world for what has gone wrong in my life that makes me so emotionally immature. I used to prefer doing that, less responsibility. As much as I still want to do that, it just never feels right in my tummy. It is impossible to ignore the tummy, even though I try and convince myself that I will acknowledge and put the wisdom I already have into practice after a debauch. After all, haven't I heard a million times that having a relapse proves to be THE convincer. However, the nigglies in my tummy also tell me that I don't need convincing as I probably won't have the strength that other people have to come back.

So what am I going to do with this new opportunity of knowledge? Nothing much, except stop standing on my tiptoes to see what the rest of the world is doing (and I am missing out on). I cannot stand firmly on tiptoes. I'm also going to start again with my baby steps. Taking long steps to try and get me to that instant gratification need actually ends up showing me that I cannot walk far with these long strides. So back to basics and back to baby steps, is how I am going to face today. Step 1 is to put on my headphones that remind me to ... breathe in, breathe out ... and I am not even blonde!! (.)(.)