50 days of living with breast cancer and writing this blog ... I sure do have a lot to say don't I, especially as I don't really feel that sick. I wonder if this is a good thing? I think it is. Not feeling sick is a real feeling, but pretending I am not sick is something different. It would immobilise me to take action ... like healthy living, etc. Without action, it would probably allow my disease to define me ... you know, that "victim" definition where I would want everyone to feel sorry for me.
What is that all about, I wonder? I think that it is a case of not knowing any better. Something like feeling bad or scared of a situation that you are in, then someone comes along and says "oh shame, poor you" - and somehow it feels good to know that someone cares, or we mistake this sympathy for the type of caring we all crave ... not sure. So we play on this emotion to get more of the good stuff. Caring. What's so wrong with wanting to feel cared for? I think maybe it is a fine line between wanting support and sympathy. Not knowing any better ... or the difference. But if we are not careful, we can get stuck in needing too much of the latter and then ... oh boy, what a pain-in-the-arse we become and not nice to be around - then we get NOTHING as people subconsciously try to avoid this drainage!!
I am definitely not in denial about my disease - I am a master at knowing what denial is (I think) :-). Well put it this way, I have had the practice of knowing what denial is. It did take me 45 years to become an overnight success with my own sobriety. Of all the many things I have achieved, this has got to be my biggest achievement. It has allowed my head to be clear enough to discover exactly who I am. In this knowing ... or learning to know who I am, I realize how easy it is to self-love and self-care and feel the care of God. With that comes a whole host of other gifts - humility, acceptance, living life on life's terms, oh my ... the list goes on. I think that this has helped me in not needing to define myself by my woes.
My pet name for Jordan is "ninnie" ... he loves it at home, but doesn't like other people to hear it. I can see why, it does sound a bit naffie and a little too close to nancy-boy (which he definitely is not) or maybe it sounds too close to nincimpoop. You know how boys of this age just think it is the most hilarious thing to talk lavatorial all the time. The reason he loves it at home is because of the meaning I gave to him. In Zimbabwe, the black people call their children piccanin (in Shona) and I told Jordan it means my beautiful, most precious child - so ... I somehow started calling him ninnie for short - must be those roots.
It's nice having private family "codes". Like my sister Colleen use to stick her finger in her husband's ear when she was bored at a party or something and wanted to go home. In our family, when we are at a distance, we have the "I love you" codes and the "I am watching you" code ... especially for Jordan when he is misbehaving. I think it is time for our family to start a code of "I need to get out of here" with regards to my diseases ... when I am feeling uncomfortable or at risk of falling into the category of "woe-is-me". My family have been my biggest support and they will know exactly what this means in order to keep me safe and strong.
December is not only the celebration of Christmas, but for us it is also the celebration of birthdays (including Hil's). We know 15 people whose birthday is in December, so it is quite a festive month for us. Talking about roots, today is the start of those birthdays ... so happy happies dizee wizee (.)(.)
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Strange, but I also no plenty of people who have their birthdays in December - certainly a month for celebration.
ReplyDeleteYup, the line between being a victim and just needing support is a fine one, but I think you're doing okay in that regard. I suppose it's not really about NEEDING support, but rather being willing to acknowledge that sometimes you need help and support. I have a sense that you don't like to ask for help, being so damn independent and all that, so maybe this is a lesson for you.