Day 35 - 17 November 2009

Quite a lot is happening in my life right now with regards to connecting. I spoke to another friend of a friend yesterday who was also diagnosed with breast cancer. She has done what I am still to do and I have done what she is still to do. Not sure why treatments are so different - who is the backward one here Cpt or Jhb - hahaha? I guess it shows all the different types of breast cancers there are.

The fact of the matter is that we are both dreading what's ahead, yet we both gave each other comfort that it is not that bad. She tells me that the after-effects of chemo is like one massive hang-over that you get to keep for a good 3 days - joy. God knows I have been there many times before, so maybe it will simply reinforce the joys of being in recovery. She was also relieved to know that the op isn't that bad either. I was back at work 2 days after hospital.

I also went to my recovery meeting for the first time in a month last night. Driving was a bit of a strain, but it was well worth it. Waiting there for me was a new sponsee who is fresh out of rehab. It was suggested to her by another recovery friend that I haven't seen for more than a year as well as one of the councilors at Rehab to look for me as I would be a good sponsor. What a compliment. Well it sure does take the focus off me now doesn't it. God in his wisdom ... or is it that sense of humor again?? Being a sponsor is an honor though, because it is ME that it helps in the end. So I am grateful.

I have also found a willing partner who will do "The Journey" with me. The book I mentioned earlier in this blog. But, more about that another time when I understand it better. Right now it is just a matter of me being willing and wanting to play with something that resonates deeply within me. In a nutshell though, it is of the concept that our cells have intelligence - much like you don't have to think about breathing, growing your nails, hair, etc. That is cell intelligence, it happens automatically. So The Journey basically takes you to the (affected) cells that are holding onto some sort of memory that you need to take cognizance of in order to release it and heal. Yep, hokey, pokey stuff. I've always known in my heart that being diagnosed with breast cancer has a message for me. So I am basically willing to find it. Should be fun, or at the very least ... interesting!!

At this stage though, after a lot of contemplation, I am not sure if I am strong or brave enough NOT to do what the doctors suggest - i.e. go the chemo route. I think I am more than likely going to do everything. What science suggests, what my faith suggests and what my mom suggests. Oh, my mom just wants me to take it easy ... that I can do !!! I don't think I know enough about chemo to make the decision not to do it. Like my best friend in Jhb suggested - it is a known fact that chemo has never killed anyone, but cancer has.

I think I will just have this gnawing doubt (if I don't do it) that will be a huge strain on my faith to find out why it is there in the first place. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I want to know in my gut, after everything I have been given the opportunity to try, that it is gone forever. That is where my faith is taking me right now. It feels almost comforting to have made such a decision. I have a renewed faith in doctors too!! And those feelings I keep telling you about that allows me to decide whether my decision is right or wrong - well, I am not so scared of chemo anymore ... or losing my hair for that matter - so I must be on the right track of thinking (.)(.)