New Year thoughts

For the first time in my life, I face the new year with apprehension ... not quite trepidation, as I have no fear for my future. Hold on a minute - could these words have similar meaning??? Oh well, sounds fancy enough.

I say apprehension, because I am definitely not looking forward to chemo and the after effects (if there are going to be any) that is going to take the best part of 2010 from me, but I am quite excited for the new year. I always am. Despite how many times New Years Eve celebrations have resulted in disappointment ... you know where you feel you are going to have the party of your life because "it is compulsory to have fun on New Years Eve". This disappointment however has never waned my anticipation and excitement.

For 2010, I somehow have this "knowing" that all is well and will be the best part of my learning experience that will end well. I'm just not so sure how much of the physical journey I am going to enjoy before I reach that destination. But being open to everything that happens to me (including the pain) puts me on a new level of teaching. We all know that saying "when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive"

KNOWING is so powerful when you realize you have passed the threshold of "hoping".

Because I have spent the last 2.5 months concentrating on ME and MY health, it has put me in that place of appreciation for myself. The place where you can nurture the gift of "self-love". I mean I even have no problem purchasing creams that cost R400 to massage my breasts every morning. But what I am really talking about here is internal self-love where I want to do nice things for myself and stop being so harsh on myself - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Sadly, I have always had the defect of being egotistical and arrogant - but there is a huge difference with these characteristics and knowing something about yourself that you are truly proud of or can learn to be proud of. Having an ego actually is the complete opposite - to me it shows some kind of insecurity that is trying to be covered up by pig-headed-ness.

My self-love awareness and aim almost feels like a clean slate, a fresh place to start anew ... what a place to be for the start of a new year. One thing I KNOW for sure is that my dreams will definitely come true as I am the creative artist in this thing called MY LIFE, but my HOPE is that everyone I know will experience the same KNOWING where their dreams manifest into reality - and it all starts with YOU. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE (.)(.)