Day 65 - 17 December 2009

I can face today with 1 of 2 thoughts:

1. Today is my last day of freedom - tomorrow is a prison sentence for 8 months of being naked with sickness and fatigue, thanks to chemo.

OR

2. Today is the last day that cancer gets free reign over my body - tomorrow these cancer cells will be arrested, and will simply have no choice but to leave, thanks to chemo.

I would like to say that I am thinking of thought no. 2, but it is no. 1 at the moment. I am however trying to change my perspective about the chemo and trying my best to go to thought no. 2. It has occurred to me that I may not have fully accepted my condition because I feel so well. The fact of the matter is I AM sick with cancer and the chemo is going to help me - not the other way around. I am pretty sure the reality will hit me once I look and feel sick and naked. But hey ... it is ONLY 8 months and then I WILL BE RESTORED TO FULL HEALTH. I do need to stop seeing chemo as the enemy. It is the chemo that will assist in this restoration.

Hil is very nervous for tomorrow and asked me last night how I felt. I don't know for sure exactly how I feel actually, but it must be playing on my mind somehow seeing that I can't get to sleep before 3am two nights running now. Although afternoon naps, lots of tea, coffee and cigarettes has been the main contributor to this insomnia. Actually I like being awake in the still of the night when everyone is sleeping. It is so quiet that you can almost hear your thoughts.

I'm sure it is going to be similar to the experience when my friend Gez and I went skydiving. The first time around we were very apprehensive and nervous. The second time, because we knew exactly what to expect, we were downright petrified. We just did it anyway because we were being "big deals". It's a no wonder I landed in the trees the second time and broke my foot the 3rd time. That will teach me for being "rebel".

I have no choice in facing the next 2-8 times with this though, so hopefully the "that will teach me" scenario will be of a different variety. After everything I have heard and read, I am sure it is not going to be a pleasant experience. Hopefully though I won't be petrified on my second visit after I know what to expect.

My arm is fully restored back to stretch and the numbness under my arm is starting to disappear. WOW!! Especially as the doctors said it would be at least 6 months of numbness. As my gay friend Clare so rightly shared with me when she wrote this in a private email:

"We all need a Frank! How precious to feel so safe with a man breathing healing and life into your body - very rare and precious - almost like you need a kind of male 'role model' to see you through and support you - amazing how the right people come into your life at just the right time. Take every ounce he is giving - especially as you are so open to it all - wow - I feel the goose bumps from here"

Spirit has no bounds ... Clare got goose bumps all the way in England :-). She also mentioned that she feels that my Dad is supporting me at this time. He died in April 2006, so that brought a tear to my eye.

Our friend Shelley gave Hil a beautiful book for her birthday called "Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Survivor Soul" and it has many little inspiring stories in it of which I am thoroughly enjoying ... thanks Shell ... you couldn't have picked a better book right now for us both. The one line that I related to most in one of the stories was when someone said to the person who had just been diagnosed "You will never feel more loved in your life" ... it is so true (.)(.)