Misty, drizzly morning today and I have the mood to go with it. I have been obsessing a lot lately about my past life and it has put my recovery in a risky place of urges. It is all I think about and want to do. Get out of it with a splurge of debauch. The danger is that if I continue with this line of thought it will turn into a build-up where the relapse will happen in my mind long before the action. It must stop. I don't want to be fighting 2 battles right now. One day at a time. Or in my case, one minute at a time with white knuckles to prove it.
When I think about the "good ol' days" why can't I think about all the regret. I was talking to my bosom buddy yesterday about the therapeutic-value of writing by hand. The value being, it is your first feelings that don't need editing. When I was in rehab, they taught us the importance of writing a daily inventory - just a journal of your feelings, activities, etc during the last 24 hours. I kept saying that I couldn't wait to get back home so that I could do it on my PC. I can type so much faster than I can write and sometimes when I write, my hand can't keep up with my mind as I have always got so much to say. But if the truth be told, it hurts my hand to write as my right knuckle has fallen due to punching a wall in "the good ol' days", and because I was so embarrassed when I sobered up, I never got it fixed. Consequences and regrets.
Is this God reminding me of these things because I am obsessing? The thing is, I have found this sentiment of hand writing to be true. My blog has taken the place of some of that "hand-writing" stuff and I do notice how much editing I do. Why would I need to edit stuff if I was doing this for me? Because I don't want to feel more exposed than I already have made myself. It makes me feel vulnerable and sensitive to other people's actions that hurt like crazy. It is this hurt that I don't want to face right now. Hence the need for escapism. So what is the solution, besides a night on the town? Fuck knows!! But I sure as hell hope that it is going to come to me soon.
We took my dressings off on Sunday and I have been massaging away to the extent that it is making me paranoid with all the dents and lumps that I can feel. If I was the self-testing type before, I wonder if I would know the difference, or become the hypochondriac who takes mammogram-testing to the extreme.
I got the heads up from my BB (bosom buddy) about not going all the way with shaving the head before its time. I had already decided to only go for a "Number 2". It will give me some feeling of control as to when I choose to let my hair go. But, by shaving your head before it is ready to fall out will create a head full of pimples. Imagine that on top of feeling self-conscious with baldness.
I'm still back and forth with the date of when I want to start chemo. It should be on the 15th, we are wanting to holiday until the 20th, but then again I also want to be relatively well on Christmas day when my family come for lunch. I believe after chemo, you are not well for about 3 days - but because it could be longer on your first one I don't want to take the chance. So I am thinking 17th or 18th now and just cut the holiday a little short. 6 Days camping I think will be enough - I love nature and the outdoors, but I also love my home comforts. So much to consider and think about ... very tiring when .... "all she wants to do is dance dance ...." (.)(.)
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As you know, I do both my blog and my morning pages. There are things I simply can't say on a public forum, like a blog - these things I keep for my morning pages. So, maybe you should still do some journaling on the side; maybe just a page full of venting every day
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