Chocolate or Vanilla (.)(.)

Phew ... what a ride!! And it ain't no joy-ride either. Apart from my hair growing beautifully, life has been tough for me ... physically, mentally and spiritually.

I should have finished radiation by the 24th, but my oncology unit got flooded out about 2 weeks ago. As a result I missed a few days and was then shipped off to Rondebosch where I have to travel daily until the end of my treatment. With all the World Cup road works, and the occasional downpour of rain, I can never quite judge the traffic properly. I am either 15 minutes early or 10 minutes late.

I saw my oncologist on Wednesday, at my insistence, who has put me on a week's break from radiation because my body, and right boob in particular is rather swollen. A week to heal, then the last leg of 7 days of intensive therapy zoning in where the tumor was.

My right boob and underarm is black ... much like a Zulu tittie ... very appealing. I am totally aware of my boobs all the time. It feels like I am wearing a wire bra that is 2 sizes too small for me. This at a time where I am at the "burn the bra" stage of my treatment. Yep, living up to my sexual orientation.

My skin under my boob has also opened, but they reckon that this will take about 2 weeks to heal after radiation. No different to having severe sunburn. The body is an amazing clinic of its own. It is the lung, muscles, breast tissue and bones that will take a little longer to heal - hence the fatigue I will continue to feel. I'm feeling the lung a bit with a very dry cough and sometimes waking in the middle of the night battling to breathe.

I feel so lost at Rondebosch, it is a new hospital with lots of renovations still happening. It is big and empty and feels like a ghost town. I am usually the only one in the waiting room. Although it is predominantly English, which should make me more comfortable as I can understand what they are saying ... I have to admit that I have gotten more fond of the Afrikaans poppies. I told my oncologist that I was having separation anxiety. She laughed and asked if I felt like a lonely orphan puppy. "I do, I do and I want to come home for some TLC!!" is my response.

My oncologist is the only part of this whole cancer thing that has made my experience remotely tolerable. She makes me feel safe. The one day I was lying on the radiation table and I smelt this awful smell and got the radiographers to wipe down the arm part of the chair. I thought someone had left their sweaty armpit smell there. Later that night, I smelt the same smell and realised it was me. It was not a BO smell, and I have never suffered from BO, it was more like a burnt come soggy, old lady skin smell. And it was only on my right boob and not the left boob. I was terribly embarrassed the next day when I told the radiographers about it, especially when they laughed and said it was because I have not been washing. I am not allowed to rub the area or wash it with soap, but I have been squeezing my sponge over it and having bubble baths to try and get some form of cleaning on it ... twice a day even. So this didn't seem right. The next day I thought ... fuck it ... and washed the whole area thoroughly - and the smell was still there. When I asked my oncologist, she confirmed that it was the dead skin cells that contributed to the smell. At least she didn't laugh. The bathing however did not help as it does keep the skin soft when moisturized by soap or bubble bath which leads to peeling - hence the dead skin cells.

It is hard to tell if the "happy pills" have kicked in with my energy-levels so low, but Hil seems to think I smile a lot more than before. My periods have totally disappeared, a good 3-4 months now, which I am not too unhappy about. I can't say whether the lack of periods is due to menopause or medication as the happy pills might have contributed to me not being bitchy as a sign of one of the symptoms.

Motivation is still at an all time low to get excited about anything. If I didn't have to go in every morning, I'm not sure if I would even have the energy to shower. My hair is getting to the stage where you can tell if I don't shower in the morning. You know that "just shagged" out of bed look - hehe, I wish. The hair is going very curly now. I have little ringlets at the back and wispy fly away sides that is long enough to cover my glasses - just long enough. The brush even makes an impression with any form of styling effort. No fringe yet, but the top of the head is just long enough to hold between 2 fingers. With all this lovely hair growth also comes the shaving and waxing schlep again, and I must say I did enjoy the pain-free "hollywood" while it lasted.

I still need to post photos and will do so as soon as I find what I am looking for in the way of ... yaaaawn ... um ... ja, that!! (.)(.)

Still under construction

It's been a while since I posted something. I have had a lot to say and share from my experiences, but needless to say the motivation and energy is lacking.

Radiation is going well as it is painless and quick. I did however underestimate the energy that it would zap from me. My doctor, who I love to bits, reckons that as my healthy cells are also being zapped, the body uses up all my energy to heal. So what can I say, I am forced into 7 weeks of arvie naps and the like.

On top of this I am without office as I move over for yet another 5 week job that needs my office to meet deadlines. So with a houseful of people, no office to do anything else, routine gone astray, energy levels really low ... has led to my motivation being at an all time low. So I have been doing a lot of playing, sleeping, shopping, eating ... oh and did I say playing playing playing.

Unfortunately this has led to a lot of unmanageability in my life which is really unsafe for my other recovery and has led me astray to play - but I am glad to say that I am still alcohol-free and heading towards my 2 year clean time. Hil has said, I need to learn a bit of flexibility in my life. If I am like a rigid stick that has no bend, I will break. Never really thought I was like that, but I guess I am when I am so focused on maintaining something.

Sometimes I have felt quite down emotionally and put it down to the unmanageability in my life. My doc explained to me that my serotonin levels would have been depleted through both my recoveries and as my energy levels are so low it is even more difficult for the body to naturally produce them. So I have been given medication to help it along ... the good old "happy pills".

During my shopping expeditions, I even went out and got myself a new laptop, but have just not had the energy to set it all up - after some 3 weeks already. So unlike me when it comes to new toys.

As for the tits ... I have one very brown one and one very white one. From time to time I feel little sharp pains in the tittie being treated, much like I felt after the operation. But it lasts for a mere second or two.

My hair is growing back beautifully and I love it. I have a head full of hair with no bald spots, and it even styles to the side if I push it immediately after a shower. It is still too short for a brush or comb to have any effect. It feels so soft and velvety like a new born baby or a cat. It is a little fairer than normal, but straight where most people's hair grows back curly and grey (well the older ones at least). For a brief moment we thought my fairness was grey, but it is simply bum-fluffish. My doc says that I have a lot more pigment in my hair than most. Infact the odd greys grow longer than the rest ... like a bean stalk, that they have to be cut often. I shall post a photo soon - once I figure out how to load my new camera :-)

I am due to finish radiation at the end of May. I am told that the fatigue will stay with me for a while after treatment - yawn - so I reckon I should just put this year down to ... we learn (.)(.)