From Grace to Sir

Feeling somewhat naked today - in more ways than one. We did the big haircut thing yesterday. Although we tried to put a bit of style, it ended as a number 2ish haircut in the end. Hil, Jordan and my Mom say they like it, but I can't help wondering if they are just being kind, as I do catch a fright every time I catch a glimpse in the mirror. Sometimes that mirror is not of the glass variety either. I am comforted by Jordan's approval though, because it would be impossible for him to lie via this non-glass mirror.

I guess like most haircuts, I will get used to it in the next few days - but by then, it will be time for it to fall out. It appears to be more emotional for me than I had anticipated. Although I suspect the hair is just the catalyst for this emotion.

Apart from the emotion and the huge fever blisters I now have, there have been no other apparent symptoms. I get fever blisters all the time though, so I am doubting that this is a symptom. I feel sometimes that what I am experiencing (in terms of lack of symptoms) is almost miraculous. I also can't help thinking that maybe it would be easier just to be sick, people would know how to handle and understand it better. But then again, it is not me to just lie down and play dead. I look for the miraculous in everything, even though I don't understand it half the time.

I am so glad that I have another avenue to vent ... my private nightly inventory/journal. I have discovered that most of what I am feeling is based on my own unrealistic expectations. Expectations always end up as disappointment, but it is my own doing. All said and done though, there is always the opportunity for change and growth in times like this. Every disappointment I am experiencing now, I am guessing, has to be part of my healing process.

If I didn't go to that journal last night I would have missed needing to go for my 7-day post-chemo blood test tomorrow.

We were sitting by the pool yesterday morning having our morning tea. Hil was trimming the tree that I was sitting under. Next thing, this pigeon flys straight for my face. My God, if I didn't duck, I would have been Uno-eye. It hit the wall with such impact and fell to the ground. She composed herself and flew off before the dogs realized the game was on. All she was trying to do was protect her nest. Why attack me though, I was doing nothing!! The ferocity of a mother will never cease to amaze me! The bird opened my eyes to it with my own mother and with me as a mother. Sometimes we don't even care or think about hitting that wall with full force when it comes to our children.

It's raining today ... we already did movies yesterday - saw Invictus - Brilliant and a nice dark place to let the tears fall. So today, I'm thinking maybe some indoor games with my boy ... WII, Uno, Puzzles ... perhaps Monopoly (God forbid) - it's Jordan's favorite because he always wins. Jordan just loves having a family and being part of a bigger family other than just Hil and I, so he is very happy to have his Granny here (.)(.)