Day 37 - 19 November 2009

There is something really magical about waking up before 05h00 on a summer morning, especially after a good nights sleep. The menagerie of birds outside my bedroom window sounds like they are showing off because they woke up before me. Despite their noise, there is this complete stillness and feeling that all is well. It overwhelms me sometimes, and today is no exception as I lay in my bed, tears streaming down my face.

It is a different cry and emotion though. I cry for myself and I feel sorry for myself, but not in the self-pity way, more in the compassionate way. I feel sorry for what I have to go through. It is actually quite a liberating feeling to have compassion for myself. I have always pushed it into the self-pity department. This morning, in that comforting quiet space, I allowed myself to feel real compassion. I now know the difference. I don't always have to try and be strong and brave and think that if I have these feelings of sadness that it will make me fall into despair and self-pity - this is the liberation I feel - I am allowed to feel sorry for myself.

I'm not sure what bulldozer was on about as the oncologist didn't stutter once. He was so different to what I had imagined. I like and feel confident with him. He is not bad looking either ... you know, for a man!!

I have Stage 2 cancer and my treatment is going to start 15 December 2009. It consists of 6 months of chemotherapy, 7 weeks of daily radiotherapy and 5 years of hormone therapy. After all this, I have a 90% chance at survival. I am extremely disappointed as I thought I had stage 1 cancer and would be done with all my treatment in 3 months, which is why I confidently made the decision to go for chemo. There are 4 stages of cancer - stage 4 is when you have like 2 months to live, so I guess stage 2 ain't that bad - but it is not as good as stage 1. It still needs aggressive treatment to ensure 90%. But then again, when you look at stats, as I often do being part of my business, I also have a 10% chance of being hit by a bus, or better still a 20% chance of being hit by a taxi.

There was some good news though, although it didn't sound good to me. They tested me for hormone something or another and I was negative (which is apparently good). This means that because I am pre-menopausal (because of my age) they need to treat me in a way that brings on menopause so that those hormones don't interfere too much with other treatments. If I don't respond (i.e. go through all the menopause symptoms such as hot flushes, being a bitch, etc) then they need to stop my oestrogen. Not sure how this is good news, but they seemed over-joyed by this. All I can see is a full-on beard coming my way without female hormones. As though I am not masculine enough!!! Does this mean that I am officially old now? Menopause sounds old, something my grandmother should be going through. Well at least I get to lose my periods!!

I do consider myself lucky in one aspect though. My chemo treatment was supposed to be Phase 1 - 4 x sessions 21 days apart and then Phase 2 - 12 x weekly sessions. But because they are on the last leg of trialing a new chemo drug, they said that they can offer me Phase 2 of being another 4 x sessions (instead of 12) if I become a clinical guinea pig for their clinical trials. It is apparently a very expensive drug that medical aid won't pay for but because it is on trial, I will get it for free. Although it is intravenous, it also contains some pill that builds up the white blood cells in my bone marrow. All it needs from me is to write out a whole bunch of things for them in the end. Of course I want to be a guinea pig when it is 4 vs 12.

When he heard that I was needle-phobic (still haven't found the word for that), he offered to put a "stint" (I think it is called) under my skin to make it easier. This requires another operation though and a foreign object in my body for 6 months {shudder}. I don't think so!! My friend Rhona had this and in the end died of septicemia because of it. I never thought I would ever want to choose needles over another option - but there you go. It will only become absolutely necessary if my veins collapse from all the strain and they can't find any veins towards the end. Another lovely symptom - arteries hardening.

So yep, today I am feeling sad and disappointed - but not negative. It is just something I have to go through that is going to take the best part of 2010 and that is crap! I feel imprisoned by it. I am certainly not "bored" anymore with this cancer!!

My mom was going to come for Christmas and had her ticket booked for 22nd December. I have asked her to try and change it for the 14th because I want my mommy!! I haven't felt that way in a long time and it feels completely foreign to me, but I do. I think I want her to be here so that she can also go through the whole process with me. Which includes being with me when I shave my head. I don't want it to be a complete shock for her when she sees me, I think it will be less traumatic if she is going through it with me.

I tried to put the whole thing off until next year - but they insist that I start 6 weeks after operation so that the cells don't get active again. By Christmas I will be totally Britney Speared!! I will be singing that song I haven't sung since I was a toothless child ... "All I want for Christmas is my .... " (.)(.)