Day 28 - 10 November 2009

I feel as though things are starting to come to life again. My underarm is still numb, but my nipples (which they saved, and are my own) are aching. It is a little chilly, but as I am warmly dressed, I see no reason why they would insist on spontaneously doing the "pointer sister" act, it hurts a little.

I am considering NOT going the chemo route. I'm not sure why these thoughts keep hounding me. I'm wondering why I actually need it if I am "cancer-free". I'm also feeling inadequately informed. Perhaps it has to do with the email I got from a supplier telling me all the "pharmaceutical conspiracies" with mammograms, chemo and radiotherapy. You always get this "2 sides to every story" thing, no matter what the situation or topic - pregnancy, medicines, politics, religion. Sometimes you just have to look within to know what is your own belief and truth. That is how my beliefs are always formed, by my feelings and not by what I have been told by another human being. I was rather upset getting this email actually. I think it is cruel to give someone something like this when they have gone too far in their treatment and can't actually turn back the clock and take the advice given in the email, that's if I had to believe in such a theory. More than that though, it did show me how very uninformed and trusting I am. I have not made my decision yet, and will not, until I am properly informed, which includes talking to the doctors, to God and Google. You know, the "what will happen if I don't do chemo" type talk.

I have been too tired to actually want to go through all the second opinions, researching, etc, so it was easier to trust what the doctors said. But I do believe that if I open myself up to what the bigger me wants, I will be guided. This starts with being informed. I don't mean researching all the conspiracies, but just being properly informed in all areas of my treatment and life.

I also don't appreciate getting the videos, poems and stories related to death, funerals and "IT'S OKAY TO DIE IF YOU KNOW JESUS" from well-meaning people who "DON'T KNOW ME" if they think it is necessary to send this!!

I'm feeling rather grumpy and not my normal positive self today, so I am going to make this a short post before it turns into a bitching session which might end up hurting some people.

I got a research job in yesterday to be finished by the end of November. I am not unhappy about it, but as my Dad used to say "No rest for the wicked" (.)(.)