Day 29 - 11 November 2009

I sure do get a smile and a giggle out of some of the comments left on here - it helps when I am in that self-pity mode as I was yesterday.

I had to really think about why I was in such a bad mood yesterday. Making everyone's life around me a misery and making sure they knew I was not fit for human consumption.

If the truth be told, it did come as a shock when I came to the realization that I am not actually Super Woman. It was the same shocker I got in my recovery programme when I realized that the whole world doesn't revolve around me and that I wasn't actually God. I have however learned to receive these realizations as a gift. It is quite a thing to experience humility as a gift. I used to think it was a weakness to be humble as it somehow seemed to conflict with my struggle to achieve inner strength. But, it is in fact a major strength as it shows that I am learning about self-trust and self-love. I get to lose my ego and without this ego, I notice that it is easier to let people in.

Yesterday, I think I was very irritated with my body because I could feel I was doing too much. I am very grateful for the work that has just come in, it is easy work and pays well and really only takes a few hours of my time every day. But being at the computer all day yesterday to set it up for everyone to start on Thursday took its toll on the bod and that irritated me.

I also think that because I have done so well up to now with very little pain and strain felt like a lie yesterday. I was in a lot of pain yesterday and it felt like I had been fooled. But by being honest with myself, I recognized that I am not always in charge of when and how everything needs to be. I need to continue to do my part and trust that I am healing in ways that aren't always obvious to me. I need to remind myself each day to be patient and persevere with the changes happening to me and accept that I may need time (and help from others) to adjust to this change. It is a after all a process, not a one-time event. So even though I am grateful for the work, I think that I resented the fact that I also long for my quiet time to contemplate my navel and listen out for the big answers I need.

It is supposed to be summer here in Cape Town, but it is like full-blown winter with the rain to go with it. This is definitely bed weather, so I am enjoying the timing of this strange weather. This was another thing I resented yesterday - I should have been in bed and not sitting at my PC.

I think I am on the right track with my thinking. As serendipity would have it, I have just received my J-F-T reading and it was about "Surrender to Acceptance" - “We surrender quietly and let the God of our understanding take care of us.”

So on that note, I do have a few hours work to finish up. But when everyone starts tomorrow, it is almost forcing me to stay in bed as I have to give up my PC to get the job done within 2 weeks. I am therefore the last person singing "rain rain go away" - sorry to yous needing to get the washing done (.)(.)