Day 20 - 02 November 2009

I wish I hadn't watched Scrubs, ER or Greys Anatomy. I have been pondering about what the doctors actually get up to in theatre. I hope they don't fight or anything. I also wish I wasn't thinking about that horror story I heard about when that woman was paralyzed by the anesthetic. She could feel and hear the whole thing but couldn't move or tell anyone {shudder}. NO, instead I'm going to be thinking of the cruise Hil, Jordan and I want to take to some tropical island, sometime soon. I want to think about Jordan's beautiful hair and how we are trying to stretch the rest of this term without having to give him a haircut. He will have this beautiful long hair for the Christmas holidays. He looks like such a jock when his hair has a bit of length to it. I want to think about the freedom I feel on my scooter. I want to think about my friends coming from Jhb to spend time with us during my chemo days. I want to think how fortunate I am to have re-connected with all the people I have never stopped caring for. I want to think about how fortunate I am to feel real gratitude for all my blessings. I want to KNOW that I am one of the fortunate few to have detected this cancer before it got out of hand.

It never occurred to me before being diagnosed with breast cancer why it was so important to make people aware of breast cancer. Why would we even dedicate a whole month to it - we don't dedicate a month to prostate cancer or lung cancer do we? I read somewhere that breast cancer is South Africa's leading killer in woman. I couldn't believe it actually as breast cancer is the easiest to treat and the "best" cancer to get in terms of survival rate. Why would it be killing woman then? Because we don't detect it early enough. I guess it is also a factor that 90% of our population does not have the means to being informed on how simple a task this is. They are simply trying to just make ends meet and get a meal for the day. To be honest though, despite being one of the fortunate few who is in a position to being informed, I am most guilty of thinking I don't really need to listen to things like this because it would never happen to me. You know me ... "rebel" ... what crap though, it is pure and simple laziness on my part. Knowing requires responsibility, and it was something I avoided a lot until recently. I am just so fortunate that things happened the way they did for me to detect my cancer in time. Got clean, got responsible, checked my health, etc. And that I have the means to have the treatment I am going to get. Someone or something sure is looking out for me out there. If I think of all the people I know, there are only 3 who have actually gone for a mammogram, let alone do self-testing. But then again, it is not exactly a favorable topic of conversation around the dinner table, is it? So what do I actually know?

This little blog of mine started as a daily journal for self-helping myself. It has however connected me to family and friends (current, lost and new) as well as different types of people from all walks of life. It has shown me growth in myself during this short period of time and how important it is to just be myself, no matter how vulnerable that makes me. In doing so, and when people can relate, I feel that it kinda shows them that it is also OK to be yourself too. Whatever that may be - scared, lonely, happy, sad, powerless, brave, gay, loved, angry, arrogant, stupid, funny, resentful, successful, embarrassing, beautiful ... we are all these things aren't we?

I bumped into an old friend/business associate at the Milnerton Medi-Clinic recently. She was doing some lecture and I was doing that "needle in my tittie trip". She has a successful business with a following of some 30 000 woman and 800 000 hits to her website every month. We have re-connected and she has requested an interview with me to go onto her website to share with other woman who might end up wanting to link up with me via my blog. Eish, talk about responsibility to continue living a life of authenticity and remaining true to myself. I'm up to it though and believe that God has many more surprises in store for me. That's the thing you know, we all have the responsibility to share something with someone ... even if it is just a smile. (.)(.)