Day 31 - 13 November 2009

The big lesson of yesterday's grumps was given to me via something I had already written in this journal - learning to BE ... no matter what. I think I am set to have the ride of my life on this emotional roller-coaster. I also think I am supposed to allow myself to FEEL what each of these emotions feel like - even if they are unpleasant. Something I habitually drowned in the past with the closest addiction available to me. I therefore believe that this journey I am on is forcing me to heal in many areas of my life - not necessarily just the physical.

Am I ready for it? My immediate answer would be "NO!" - but then again, that is the difference between self-will and surrendering to the acceptance of God's will. The strength and physical healing I am so willing to accept doesn't necessarily come with the TIMING I want for other healings. But as I have come to learn from the stand-point of hindsight - in the end, everything is perfectly timed.

When all is said and done though, I also think that this is going to be my biggest learning curve in life. My recovery was the first step on this journey. Breast cancer is the second step. I have a feeling that it is going to take me along the road of self-forgiveness which ends at the destination of REAL healing. But that is a whole new ball game of story that I HOPE will only be reserved for me, so right now, back to the subject at hand.

My appointments with the 2 x surgeons yesterday ended well. The good news is that they are both still very happy with my physical healing, attitude and recovery that they both want to use me as a case study - I suppose for their other patients who battle with "victim" attitude and take longer to heal. I don't know, I am just assuming what the "case study" could be. Being an exhibitionist, I have no problem being the local flasher to show of my new boobies. This is a good thing as I am sure that photographs of my boobs will be a part of this case study.

One good thing that happened for the medical fraternity is that my operation brought 2 very talented surgeons together. They were at logger-heads with each other in the beginning. I suppose it must be difficult to know who is taking ownership of an operation when you are used to working on your own and being in charge. I even got confused. But I got to see the "human-ness" in both of them when they eventually let go of their egos, and now they sing each others praises. No matter who you are or what you do, ego protects having to go near that scary place of vulnerability - you know, the one that exposes the fact that it is okay to share without having to always be Mr Right. So the "bulldozer" and the "architect" will be working a lot together in the future, I imagine.

Bulldozer gave me a mouthful yesterday when I told him that I was considering not doing chemo. He wanted to know what university I went to that gives me the scientific knowledge and experience to make such a decision. When I told him that the thinking started when he said that I was cancer-free. OMG - he then went on the attack of telling me that I am a specialist at "selective hearing". They had only fixed the boobies and got rid of the tumor - not the disease. Hmm ... was that what I heard originally?? Still, my decision will be made after I have seen the oncologist.

Anyway, from the start, bulldozer and I have been like 2 bulls in a china shop, but the appointment ended with a lot of laughs. When I asked him if I should be doing any exercises to assist the healing process, like a typical man, he said "well you could do this" showing me how to massage and touch the boobs in a suggestive way. I knew he was a player!!!

My oncologist appointment is set for next Wednesday. I am so glad bulldozer told me upfront that he has a stutter. Can you imagine how confident I would have felt seeing a professional looking at my tits going "I, I, I, I ... " So even though my oncology appointments may take longer than I expect, I am told that he is the best in his field. I will definitely make sure that his impediment does not influence my decision.

My interviewers are about to arrive so best I get a move on. That's the nice thing about working from home, I can still stay in my jarmies. I got dressed up yesterday for the briefing, which nicely coincided with the doctors appointment, but they were warned and told to have a good look, because it is not how I am going to be dressed in the next 2 weeks. I am taking my rest and healing seriously now (.)(.)