The beginning of this week saw me feeling on top of the world and feeling good, positive and productive. To the extent that I have decided to look forward to the 2 weeks in between treatments where I feel physically well.
After an extremely bad fatigue day yesterday, I am not feeling so positive today. It's a bit of everything that has been chipping away at the old block of positivity. Firstly, I now have 3 people whom I consider to be my bosom buddies, as they are in the same position of treatment as me, and/or in the position of "been there, dun that". All 3 have had bad news since I last chatted to them. All 3 still show signs of positivity and friendliness towards chemo. It made me realise just how serious and silent this killer disease is. It has also shown me how much I am lacking in my faith of the chemo. I just don't know how to get there. To that place where I feel that chemo is saving my life.
Secondly, I feel the effects of not writing. The fact that I originally wanted to use up the time on fun projects, did not happen. Instead a job came in, which I should be grateful for, but I am rather feeling resentful towards because of the fact that it is using up my precious time and forcing me to do things I am not enjoying. It is a "hurry up and wait" job. When the "hurry up" part comes in, I have no energy to do it, thus creating what feels like the onset of procrastination.
Thirdly, all the weight I encouragingly lost from giving up the booze, is slowly piling back on ... thanks to chemo. It seems that I am putting on 2kg per treatment. If this is true, then FFS, I will have an extra 16kgs to lose at the end, on top of my 14kg I was doing quite nicely losing. The physiotherapist tried to encourage me yesterday when she said that it is a good thing to put on weight. When my immune system is really down, then I will have reserves to feed on. I think it would have been more encouraging if she were in shape herself. She was grossly overweight. But shame, she was very sweet and may actually have a point - despite the fact that I have to face not fitting into my clothes on a daily basis. And I certainly don't want to go shopping for "fat clothes".
The picture I posted today is actually a joke, I have not really been eating any more than usual since I was told that the steroids they are giving me is not enough to warrant the healthy appetite I experienced during my first round of chemo.
My bald head continues to pose as a threat to some people. Often I forget I am bald and when someone new visits (like a supplier or something), they have that expression of "OMG, how do I hide my reaction" look on their face. I have wondered if it is subconsciously affecting me as I seem to be isolating a bit lately. Last night I even opted to look after Jordan because it is a school night (rather than get Tutu to sleep over, which she normally does on a weekly school-night basis) rather than go out with a group of friends for dinner. Hil ended up going on her own. But then again, I was fatigued and not fit for human consumption, so why put anyone else through that energy-drain.
On the bright side, Jordan is back to normal and the routine implemented since school holidays is steadily underway. The problem all started when he refused to do his work at school. We have not gotten to the underlying reason, but I was a little hurt to find out (quite by chance) that the subject he refused to work on was about "My family". I would love to conveniently blame this on cancer, but if the truth be told, sometimes parenting is so challenging that I often wonder if we are fucking up. But it is more than likely due to the fact that he wasn't feeling very warm toward us on that particular day because of the stringent new routine in place that he is rebelling against.
Round 3 of chemo tomorrow with blood tests today ... aaarrrggg!!! If only the song "onward christian soldiers, marching into war" could do it for me (.)(.)
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Probably a good sign that you're gaining weight. It's when you're dramatically losing weight that you should be worried about your health.
ReplyDeleteThis treatment process must feel endless to you, but to me time is flying. I can't believe you're already on your 3rd treatment. And don't be discouraged by the bad news your bosom buddies are receiving. Every individual is different and there's every reason to believe that you're already cancer-free. Just have faith.
I've also been waylaid by work, not having time for my creative pursuits. It sucks. I helplessly watch my creative goals slipping, the deadlines I've set for myself being postponed with every passing day. Very frustrating.