Pants to the ground

I feel 100% today. Infact, I have been feeling on top form for the last couple of days already. Had a great weekend relax mainly spent by the pool braaing with friends and lots of lovely reading. I even forget that I am bald most of the time. Mostly, I am comfortable with myself, but I do get the odd fright when I pass the mirror still.

Today I am going to make every effort to put in a good days work and be productive. It's like writing - some days I don't feel like it, but then I remember a quote I read many years ago - "Don't wait to find inspiration before you write, just write and inspiration will find you" - so let's hope the same applies with work. I generally enjoy working, so it shouldn't be a major problem. It's just the energy levels that are dodgy and let me down - but with all the resting I have been doing, hopefully I am fully recharged.

A challenge that still remains for me is this nagging thought that I am already cancer-free. I honestly don't feel like I have cancer and nobody can verify this fact. Even after all the treatment that is recommended, there is nothing in the end that will confirm this. Everything is left up to the patient to self-diagnose. No blood test, no X-Ray, no doctor can confirm where I am at now or in the future. When you still have a tumor, you can at least see the progress of what chemo is doing by the shrinking. In my case, it is all guess-work. I am not complaining or unhappy with the route I have taken (op first, then chemo), I just have these nagging doubts that I have cancer.

I also don't want to get "canceritis" - always on full alert of symptoms for the rest of my life because of it being my responsibility to self-diagnose. You get a headache and want to hypochondriach-tily go to the doctor. Chemo and radiotherapy, on the other hand can cause permanent, irreversible damage and effects to the body. Think about it, radiation is not good for anybody, which is why radiographers take every effort to leave the room during x-rays. I do believe it kills the cancer cells, but it dam well kills everything else in its path, forever. All it takes is for the radiation to be slightly off-mark, and BAM, you are fucked for life. My doctor visits in the future will more than likely be related to chemo and radiation-damage more than cancer scares. This is not a comforting thought at all.

Although it doesn't sound like it, I am actually in quite a peaceful, serene state at the moment. I have been doing a lot of internal reflecting and contemplating. I am not forcing myself to reflect, it is happening naturally and is proving to be quite comforting.

I'm still finding TV to be quite intrusive, especially whilst I am in this state. I must admit though, I did enjoy watching the start of American Idols last night but do wish I could get that song off my mind ... "Pants to the ground, Pants to the ground, looking like a fool with my pants to the ground" - not sure what the title of that song is (.)(.)