Cocky Cunningham is back

I woke up at 6am feeling very positive and jabbering away to Hil. I had verbal diarrhea even though the response back to me was just mmm, mmm, mmm. After testing how awake she was with a question that required an answer, I still got mmm. I could have sworn her eyes were open. When I pulled them open, it was a case of "oh look, your eyes ARE open".

I am feeling rather confident after being told that the rest of my chemo treatments are likely to take the same shape as my first one. This should mean very little symptoms. I write this even though I sit with a pounding headache that has not been helped by the Panado I took a couple of hours ago. And, I definitely had a fever last night - sweats and freezing. Not like the first time where it was my imagination after sleeping under a duvet on a hot summer's afternoon. I do have hope though, and it sounds logical that things should take the same shape as the 1st chemo, so I am going to hang on to this sentiment.

My white blood cells took the oncologist by surprise as it was 3 points higher than expected. So I am guessing that this body of mine is pretty healthy and responding beautifully to all the healing thoughts, prayers and energy being sent from my peeps. Thanks guys.

As for the relationship I have with the oncologist, I don't really have much hope for that. I certainly got his back up with the hairs in his nostril noticeably twitching.

Over the years I have learned how to confront in a non-aggressive manner, you know trying to be constructive, but at the same time getting my disgruntles across. Well, my oncologist was totally defensive and blaming all their inefficiencies that contributed to the discomfort of my first treatment on everything else, instead of taking responsibility for his contribution. The blame went to the chemist, the time of year, "it is how things are done" without an explanation as to why. OMW is all I could think. I thought I had better change direction knowing that I still have 8 months with the man. So I attempted a compliment by saying "I do understand that your job is to concentrate on the medicine side of things, which clearly you are doing a good job as I have had no symptoms, but there are human aspects too and I am feeling a little negative, and I don't want my immune system to cling on to negativity". He handed me numbers to other people to talk to - councilor, dietician. Oh man - do they desensitize doctors as part of their training??

Oh well - expectations = disappointment again. I just expect someone of that caliber to know how to not let constructive criticism affect them to the extent of hackles standing sky high and noticeably on their back. I need to let it go, but I can't help noticing that both egotistical doctors I have encountered are both shorter than I am!!! And, I am only 5"6.

As for the oncology lounge, it was a better experience. The lounge was rather empty actually. There were about 6-8 of us this time (compared to 20-30 my first time around). 4 of them looked like they were in their early 40's (like me) and early stages of their treatment. I chatted nicely to one of them (in English) who sat in my circle - exchanging experiences with children, treatment, being bald, where we are both at, etc.

When I enquired where the other "oldies" were, the sister just said some had to have blood transfusions, some did not pass the white blood cell test. The look in her eye and slight hesitation made me think she might wanted to add - some have passed.

Feeling all cocky and prepared for my needles (thanks to the Emla cream), I shat myself when the sister started preparing the vein on the side of my wrist instead of my hand (where I had prepared). I reacted by pulling back in shock. I had to start my preparations all over again with a 20 minute delay. The sister told me that they prefer to use different veins in order to preserve them. In future I will be preparing the whole arm.

The "oh boy" reactions that I had perceived the first time around from the other patients towards my low pain threshold were confirmed when one of them asked "have you not had children?". I don't even think my "defensive answer" of "IT WAS C-SEC" satisfied their irritation.

I have had my baldness for 2 days now. As I only went with electric shaver, it still left prickles that irritated whilst sleeping - you know the velcro feel. So yesterday, Hil bravely purchased shaving gel and Mach 3 razor to do the shave thing. When did shaving gel go up to R80??? So last night in the bath, after getting specific instructions from my friend Darren on the "how to", I had my close encounter with the razor.

The conversation with Hil went like this:
"I can feel you are nervous - and if you are not nervous, I won't be nervous" I said
"But I am nervous" she said
"Ok, well try not to be and I won't move"
"The worst that can happen is a few little cuts right?"
"WTF ... what do you mean the worst - this is not my legs you know"

She did a perfect job I must say, and it feels a whole lot better on my pillow. My hand does tend to stick to my head (because of the moisturizer) when leaning on it, but it is better than the velcro feel. My head feels like velvet now. The look is definitely what Darren warned ... witkop, shiny white with a tanned face ... but I do have a slight brown birth mark on my crown if that is any consolation.

I am already getting irritated with bandannas and the nanny-look and unless I go fancy hat shopping soon, I might just say "fuck it, this is my new look for the next 9 months" (.)(.)