Don't be misled by this photograph. My son needed to earn extra pocket money on something he wants to buy, so because it is a FIRST, I want it recorded. Besides, it does look like he is helping mommy out on a crap-feeling weekend I have just had. Regardless of his intentions, he did help out actually.
Apart from enjoying the relaxation, pooling, reading and friend's visits over the weekend, I did feel a little despondent yesterday. It feels like I have been lied to by the doctors, when they said my experience will be similar to my 1st chemo. They simply do not have a clue do they, and really only go by stats.
After writing how positive things looked on Saturday, it all went downhill physically from there. I had a crappy weekend. Fatigue, nausea ... which just started out as feeling icky, but I did have 3 occasions of having a mouthful and doing the swallowing thing to keep it down. Imagine how bad it would be without the R200 a pop puke pill. I have heart-burn, like when I was pregnant, mostly at night. I am terribly bloated from the cortisone, but if I remember, I felt the same bloated-ness with the 1st chemo. If it is to follow the same path, then this should only last a day or 2.
My eyes are swollen and blurry, my face and tummy too, which is incredibly uncomfortable. I think I have gone up to the 7-months pregnant look. I have also put on 2kgs. My boobs are swollen too, like they are going to burst out of their scar-seams. I am also very sensitive emotionally, I want to cry at the slightest insult or dodgy look. So unlike me!!! I think I should be menstruating around about now, which ain't going to be happening ever again (a small silver lining), so this could be a contributor to the emotional-baggage side of things. I wonder if I can get a refund for all the sealed FemPro products I still have?
I have had 2 nightmares, almost like hallucination. The one was when I literally woke up choking, it felt like a silver gob-like monster was coming up from my tummy and depositing the metallic taste in my mouth. The image was a nightmare, but the choking that woke me and the deposit it left was real.
As for my bald head, it sticks to everything man!! When leaning on pillows, cushions, towels, hands ... it is most uncomfortable. It starts with a sweat and then it is like glue. Not enjoying it. I even tried to wear a beanie, but as I don't have my own yet, Jordan's 7-8 year beanie was a little tight on my big head and made me feel like a china man. Like when my mom used to plait our hair, even after the pleas of "mommy, mommy my plaits are too tight", we all ended up looking like Chinese kids.
I think I am going to have to put talcum powder everywhere as suggested by Hil's sister. To those who visit, don't be alarmed if my head looks even whiter than normal. Charlotte gave me a pure silk head thing that I am now using as a pillow case. It has helped a bit, it's slip sliding gliding, when I am not sweating.
The symptoms make me dread the next 6 rounds. I do wonder if my negative thoughts concerning the doctors makes me want to vomit more. Just thinking how much we have to trust doctors, and their knowledge of this, encourages them to be the unquestioned law. But let's be honest, even if we do question why do we need this? What's that for? What will happen to me if I don't? Our lack of understanding bears no challenge to their answer - it's all very nauseating isn't it?
All I can say is that this experience ain't for the faint-hearted, and I am left wondering why I was chosen, especially as I don't feel that strong anymore. I do however take strength and feel tremendous love and support from Hil mostly, my son - who is now "sleep-walking" to our room in the middle of the night to sleep with us, and every single one of my friends who continue to send prayers and healing energy. I don't think I could bear doing this alone, and I really need to be strong for my boy so that he is not scared and have this need to sleep with us (.)(.)
Ah man, it sounds tough. Most interesting thing you said was: "I don't feel that strong anymore." I think a lot of your past "strength" was more a case of being independent and trying to take care of everyone else. You are very strong, but it's now just a matter of discovering that inner strength, which is more about faith, courage, self-belief, and being strong enough to ask for help. It's a different kind of strenght, which might not sit that well with you, as you're usually so outwardly strong, but it is there and you have it in excess. So, I think you are definitely very strong - in fact, you're probably stronger now than ever before. It takes a lot of strength and courage to face what you're facing with such humour.
ReplyDeleteStrange to hear about the silk pillow slip. This weekend I inherited some satin bedding from my mom. For the last 2 nights I've been fighting to keep the duvet on the bed, as there is so much sliding and gliding going on.
Hang in there. See you soon.
Tx