No change since yesterday ... still feeling as sick as a dog. I don't even want to talk about it really, the symptoms and all. I find the whole thing terribly "all-consuming" to feel so crap. For someone like me who is very rarely sick, and has no tolerance for sickness, this whole ordeal has become incredibly challenging.
The need to press on before falling into major self-pity is my biggest challenge, especially as it is such early days. I can't help thinking I have been conned. I don't even really know how necessary this treatment is. I mean, who knows for sure? Especially as I was an ideal candidate for clinical trials. Doctors are making me sick, and I am allowing it.
I just look at anything red, like cranberry juice, and I feel sick. The mere word of "chemo" turns my whole stomach to the extent that I can literally smell and taste the chemical, the lounge, the needles via my breath just by the mention of the word.
Addiction recovery taught me about the pitfalls of obsessive thinking, in anything, not just your choice of addiction. How is this different!!! I obsess about not sleeping, not being able to exercise, not being able to get what I want done. I obsess about how awful it feels to be sick and how hard it is on my family. I obsess about the next 6 rounds and not really having the stomach to go on with it. Surely this ain't a good place for me to be? Obsessing!!!
I simply don't want to play anymore!!! I don't want to be their guinea pig (.)(.)
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Oh boy, it sounds like you're going through hell at the moment. I wish I could do more, but can only tell you that I'm sending you strength and love and thinking about you every day. I can only imagine that you must feel pretty lonely in this. No matter how much support you get, you are the one who has to deal with this on your own. It sucks. It would be nice if we could all take turns and carry your burden just for a few ours, to give you some relief. All I can say is that: "This too shall pass and you will feel better." And don't regret your decision for going ahead with the chemo. The fact that you made this choice, means that it was the right decision made at the time. Tx
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