Day 9 - 22 October 2009

The day didn't start too well. I burnt Jordan's bacon and tried to pass it off as "crispy". I thought I had pulled it off until I saw 2 very happy little dogs coming from his room licking their lips. Yep guys ... I cook!!! I just had to add that because I can almost hear the gasps already. But ... when I find myself wanting to shout at my PC for persisting with this intermittent internet access - you know the kind of shouting that goes like this: "Aah come on man ... FFS ... don't you know I have cancer!!" then I know I am reaching that self-pity stage.

I have many little practices I indulge in to try and get myself out of any dark hole. Simple practices like inspirational reading, deep contemplation, writing, talking to my sponsor, a trusted friend or God, the list goes on. None of them ever seem to work at the time, but they must plant a seed somewhere along the way until I eventually find that A-HA moment of whatever it is that might get me out of this dark mood. Believe it or not, my A-HA moment this time was simply lack of exercise.

For the last year I have been walking to the gym 4 days a week, but on hearing my news, I simply stopped. Even though I have learnt to enjoy my exercise routine, it was mainly the quiet time of the walk and the feel-good effect one gets after gym that kept me doing it daily. It was not the gym itself that I enjoyed. Who honestly does enjoy gym? Maybe the odd queen, who is looking for an easy flirt, or the narcissistic muscle-man who only has eyes for himself. They are the funniest to watch as their eyes are so fixed on their muscles that they don't even acknowledge the farts that loudly escape on weight exertion ... very appealing. We get all embarrassed and pretend we didn't notice, but they don't actually give a shit - now that is narcissism!! As for me, I deliberately choose a time that I hope I am not going to be seen by anyone I know, because it aint a pretty sight seeing me at gym. All sweaty and red faced with a birds-nest hairstyle. I was a little nervous to go back to gym because there is quite a bit in my routine that includes the breast. At one stage, I even thought maybe this sparked the whole thing off, but I know that this is an easy excuse. It is my excuse though and I am sticking to it ... for now!!

Finding out your A-HA moment is one thing, getting back into the routine is another. I have decided that because it is the walks I enjoy, I will change my routine to just walking on the beach for an hour. This morning though, it was one of those "good idea at the time" type thoughts. The wind has stopped and it is really a bit hot right now - glorious day actually, but we will try again tomorrow, a little earlier perhaps.

I'm not seeing any doctors this whole week because they could only get me an appointment with the plastic surgeon on Monday. She only operates on Tuesday and Wednesday, which probably means that the whole process will be delayed another week. I'm not sure if this makes me happy - in one breath I am happy not to face anything medically right now, but in another I just want the whole thing to be over as my life seems to be on hold. The doctor did say that there should be no harm in a 2-day, 2-week, 2-month wait, but when it starts getting to 2 years, it will be a problem. So how advanced is it then?? So much for the blame shifting I experienced earlier.

Even though I am going to try and catch up on a whole bunch of work stuff these next 2 days, I have acquired a new scooter. So today, with this beautiful weather, I am also going to be playing with my new toy and try and not get caught without a helmet so that I can enjoy that "wind in my hair" feeling - while I still have some :-). And if I get caught it will be "FFS man, I got cancer you know!!" LOL

I'm really glad I started this blog. Even though some days might sound like stone, after I have written, it really does lift me a bit. Jordan's hip hop concert last night was also a spirit lifter. So even though it was a bad start ... I got a feeling, wooh hoo, that today's going to be a good day ... a goo good day - lalalalala (.)(.)