Jordan is at the age where EVERYTHING is embarrassing. I am lucky to steal a kiss from him when we are in any close vicinity of school or mates. I am aware that when we get to the "hairless" stage of my journey that he is going to have these conflicting feelings - "he loves his mommy but doesn't want his mates to see me and feels bad about it" type feelings. Shame man! So I can't be the big mouthed mother on the sidelines of sports events anymore. Oh God, I hope I don't take it too personally at the time. If I don't get too self-conscious, maybe I can pull the bandanna-look off as trendy - that's if bandannas are still trendy. Di come to Cape Town, we need to go shopping.
The one thought that is making things a little easier for me is I remember when Jordan was a baby and I use to see those bratty 2 year-olds running around. The despair I felt thinking "how on earth am I going to manage that". When my time came and I had my own bratty 2 year-old, I was ready for it. So when I get these anxious moments of OMG, then God faithfully gives me these examples to remember. So I trust I will be ready, when my time comes, to be able to bravely take each step. I have no flipping choice anyway!!!
I am so out of any normal routine. My life is totally deurmekaar right now (impressive Afrikaans hey susterrrs). It feels a little scary to feel this unmanageability in my life. But if the truth be told, I don't want to plan anything as it just makes it easier to not feel bad when I don't achieve it (work wise). Besides the fact that work is the last thing I feel like doing, which is quite abnormal for me because I like working. I get the bare minimum done to ease my own conscience, but the rest of the time is spent with daily chats to my family and friends and answering of emails. And yep, I am straight back into the afternoon nap routine. I hope it is not depression creeping up on me.
I'm in a bit of a dazed and confused state right now. Both Hil and I are experiencing ikky tummys from time to time - I think it is a little bit of nerves kicking in and my lip and nose is full of cold sores. My body must be taking on its own form of strain. I am also smoking like a chimney and realised the other day that by 2pm I hadn't had breakfast yet. All this doesn't help the body strain. But by writing about it makes me conscious of it which hopefully will turn into some form of responsible action ... aaargh ... right now, that sounds tiring ... responsible action!!! The morphine I am not allowed to have after the op sounds more appealing and I find my thoughts dangerously pondering around there more and more - but that is just the addict in me trying to find a vulnerable entry for bargaining, as it sounds easier to blot out the feelings than face them. With my life going a bit out of balance was the first entry level for these thoughts, so I need to address that. I feel like I have taken a nose dive into despair as the reality starts sinking in. But, I want to get out of it quickly, especially as things haven't even started yet. I guess it is like that old song says "Some days are diamonds, some days are stone". It also doesn't help that it is blowing a gale force outside. This is definitely not good for the hairstyle.
I think the thing that is getting me the most is chemo. I don't want to do chemo and have this strange stuff in my body killing all my good cells and making me vomit. Sick for a long time doesn't do it for me. Maybe I need to make friends with the chemo.
I think that is all the bitching I want to do, as I am sounding a little PLOM (poor little ol' me). Just now it might sound like - poor me, poor me, pour me another one :-) I need to go and find my happy face as I really want to share my niece's excitement. Airport time soon. I would rather think about going to Miami than Milnerton Medi-Clinic. Maybe a long shower will help with the saying of the serenity prayer - God, give me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Until tomorrow when hopefully I will feel better (.)(.)
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I've developed new PMS symptoms since your diagnosis. For the first time in years I have eina breasts - I think they're sympathizing with your titties :-)
ReplyDeleteBIG hugs (gentle one's) from me :-)
ReplyDeleteDrum Roll.. As she finally finds her voice! God help you all now!!
ReplyDeleteIts so obscure.. I write my own blog, and 2 of your posted comments this week are literally word for word what I wrote on my own blog. (Looks over her shoulder suspiciously)
He he he..
My voice comes from the embarrassing mother that lives in us all.
As Brad and Holly's mum, I used to be pretty and clever, till one day I was just STUPID, and oh-so-embarrassing.
I just want to say, my special friend, who by the way would love to make shoppings with you, that the other day I overheard my (intelligent, handsome and witty) son talking to his mates.
He was actually BRAGGING. About his mom. (thats me .. clever pretty turned stupid and embarrassing now becoming vaguely clever and pretty again!) How she made it to the matches, and how special it was to him. He and I later got chatting about his childhood, and I was telling him how I read somewhere once that your face should always 'light up' when you see your child. Even if you have to force it. Some some reason this stuck in my head, and I made a point of putting on a HUGE cheesy when the kids walked out the school gates.
He laughed, and then admitted that he looked forward to that cheesy!
Anyway, my point is .. Dont change ! Dont stop SHOUTING your head off at gala's. Hair or no hair.. you are there to watch Jordan crack the pajama race. You go girl..
and one day.. you will hear your Jordan, as a shaving, driving young adult, telling his mates how his mom was THERE ! He will say, she had no bloody hair, BUT... SHE WAS THERE. Thats what counts xxx