Day 1 - 14 October 2009

My friend Tanya made the suggestion that I start a blog about this new journey I am on, and I have never felt more inspired to do something as immediate as this. I belong to a Writer's Circle of very talented creatives who have become stunning friends too. We are also each others watchdogs on the creative goal front. My initial 8-week goal (which I am in week 4 or 5) is to set up a platform, like an interactive website, where I can share my pearls of wisdom regarding addiction recovery. Being 15 months clean with a direct line to God gave me the confidence to think I can, but you know how procrastination seeps in sowing the seeds of doubt - "whose going to read it anyway". I am however of the belief that if I can help just one suffering addict out there, then it would be well worth the effort. In the end it is actually ME I am helping.

So God, having the sense of humour I have become accustomed to (you know the kind that gives a gay unnatural mother type chick a son to teach me responsibility, patience and unconditional love like no other), saw the procrastination happening and probably thought it would be a good idea to give me fresh material and reasons to get my writing career back on track immediately. So if this blog be my practise run for the real thing, then so be it!!

I also know that it is going to be a record of my journey and a way to self-help myself through it all. I am going to have those fears, become vulnerable, etc - but by acknowledging them and putting them out there exposes them, puts light on any fear that may be lurking around in the dark. Exposing fear allows me to acknowledge and deal with it before it turns into self-pity.

I am writing this primarily for ME as well as for my friends and family so that they can know where I am really at. I am also secretly hoping that by remembering this journey, inspiration will find me a story that results in a published book. My ultimate goal. So as you can see, still too much to do, which is why I know without a shadow of a doubt that being told I have Breast Cancer yesterday does not seem like a death sentence to me. Infact, after what I have been through this last week of anxious waiting, needles in titties (and I am needle-phobic) - (Note to self - must check what the right word for that is), I am relieved to hear that it is ONLY Breast Cancer. It seems pretty ironic that 3 days ago this was the ultimate panic for everyone, but being told that it is ductal cancer, which is advanced and the most aggressive in terms of spread, particularly because of my age (the one time it is not a compliment to be too young for something - can you believe 45 is considered young for this type of cancer!!) So the wait for the test results of spread to lungs, bones, liver, blood, etc was agonizing. Thankfully the results came quickly and everything was clear. So yes, it seems ironic to be relieved that it is ONLY Breast Cancer. It sure was an effective way to make my friends and family less panicked about me - if only I had thought of this deflection first!! hehe.

So yep, as of yesterday we officially have Cancer and I am sure as hell going to klap it head-on!! This is how I start klapping it - waking up at 05h30 the next morning and addressing my fears, thoughts, moods, whatever experience hits me during this time so that I can understand it, acknowledge it, deal with it and let it go if need be, or share, if it can help someone else.

So this is Day 1 - the sun in shining, I feel inspired to face this day and enjoy it to the full - with a quick visit to the doctor to check out when, where, who with, etc. I think they want to cut my titties off immediately, but if this be the worst, then hey I might get a new pair out of this lot. I have never been emotionally attached to my breasts, you know, like some women who use them as assets might be. They have served their purpose when I breast-fed for 8 days and since then they have migrated south, so a new pair actually sounds appealing right now.

Who knows, I might feel different at the time because I did feel a tinge of compassion towards my breasts this morning when I gently washed the big black X that was written in neo-magic (now there's an old Zim word that shows my age) marking the spot where the culprit lie.

So let's get this show on the road, get what needs doing done immediately so that there is no chance of spread. Klap it so that I can get on with my life.

If you wish to follow me on my journey, I'm going to try my best to make an entry every day. But, be warned, I can sometimes show the rough diamond side of me. I swear like a trooper, say it like it is and sometimes am known to cause a red-face in the crowd. This is how I express myself and I make no apology.