Day 6 - 19 October 2009

I have not been sleeping too well. Still having late nights and early mornings with sleep evading me until the afternoon. I am feeling quite anxious now but am going to treat today like any normal work day until my 14h45 specialist appointment. Right in the middle of my afternoon nap. Hopefully it will force me back into a normal sleep pattern as I can feel the onset of grumpiness coming on, caused by sleep deprivation.

Then there is Hil, my partner of 19 years. A lot of people have asked me how she is really coping, because all she talks about is me and not her. From my perspective, all I can say is that on the outside she is holding up pretty well, but I know this is also hard on her. I can hear the sniffles coming from upstairs when she is on her own - even though she is also trying to be brave. I sometimes think it is harder for the other party to watch a loved one go through something like this and having no control over it. We have talked extensively about how we are going to handle things in every detail - from treatment, options, Jordan, each others feelings, etc. We have even touched on the "what if ... death situation" - mainly whilst waiting for the other results of spread. Thankfully, she now honestly believes that it won't get to that, so we are on the same thinking there. This is a huge step for her to believe, as she has absolutely no confidence with Cancer after watching her sister and our friend Rhona lose their battles with it. I am also grateful that we are on the same faith level, even though she is Jewish. Like me, she also talks to God a lot. So there is no desperate calls to God when thinking of one's own mortality such as: "Hey there ... how you doing ... long time no chat ... but listen up, I have a favour to ask" - even though I know that this would be delightful music to God's ears to hear from anyone.

So yes, not only is there the emotional drain, but she is also going to have to take on all my responsibilities of business, home, Jordan, etc as well as take care of me. She is more than capable though because it was only 15 months ago (when I was in Rehab for 2 months) that she got the practice as well as a lot more uninvited issues to deal with.

I feel truly blessed to have the support I have. I would hate to face this on my own like our friend Rhona did. She was a single mother. She had many friends, but there are some things that you only want to share with your significant other. As for my son, he just doesn't want me to lose my boobs (there's that relationship again). He says, as he snuggles up to them when we have our goodnight cuddles and talks, "No Mom, I love them, just tell those doctors not to take them off".

After sharing this blog with my close friends and family, I am pleased to say that already it has done some good. My cousin in Canada and my friend in Tableview are already considering mammogram checks. So being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, please feel free to share this blog with anyone you know who might have Cancer, be a survivor of Cancer or have any dis - ease in their life. My other recovery programme works on the successful principle of one addict helping another. I believe the same thing can happen here because sometimes I feel this daunting isolation with my feelings and fears, and when you read that someone else is going through the same thing, then you realise that you are not alone. As my Just-For-Today reading yesterday said - we get to share the bond of suffering and the hope for the future. So, if someone (even unknown to me) would like to connect with me via my blog, to share, laugh, cringe or cry, then this too will be of mutual benefit - (.)(.)