Day 13 ... the day I will finally get to know my fate of when, where, how long, etc in more concrete detail - let's hope. It was actually on the 13th that my diagnosis was confirmed too. I am not superstitious or anything, it is just simply an observation. Besides, number 13 has always been lucky for me ... you know that saying ... "lucky for some".
It's amazing how news like having breast cancer really brings people out of the wood works. My OBF (old best friend) Gez actually sms'd me last night from ... I dunno where she is actually ... I think England, Ireland or even Afghanistan for all I know. Maybe this is God's way of making me deal with Step 9 of my recovery programme ... making amends ... did he not notice that I am only on Step 4? It was a wonderful surprise though and meant a lot to me that she wished me strength.
I also spoke to my Councilor from Rehab last night, to get his advice on my "morphine" thoughts and dilemma. It has been bugging me that I want the strongest drugs possible in hospital - I want as little pain as possible and can already picture myself making friends with all the nurses so that it won't be awkward when I say "give me more drugs please". But more than anything else in this whole world, if there is one thing I am committed to, it's my recovery. The good news is that my councilor will orchestrate an intervention for me after the ordeal if there is no alternative drugs for me to use. Where's those nurses ....
Well it certainly is bed weather here in Cape Town - rain, hail, thunder and lightening - we hardly ever get thunder and lightening this side of town, so the dogs are all hyperventilating and barking up at the sky.
I've been feeling a little agitated over the weekend, pacing up and down a bit. I think being impatient and always wanting things to happen now and in my time, you know that "instant gratification" trait ... is getting the better of me. I just want it to be this time next year already. I am not enjoying things being drawn out in this process. It gives me too much time to think.
I read somewhere yesterday that "it is foolish to fear what we cannot avoid". I am not sure if I fully agree with that statement. Sometimes fear can work for you if you use it properly. It got me to write this blog didn't it? (.)(.)
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I'd definitely use the opportunity to leap straight to step 9 and start making amends. The cancer has given you a great opportunity to do this and maybe the amends will be part of the healing you need to go through. I think when one gets ill it signals that there are things to sort out in your life. And remember to also make amends with yourself. Yup, instant gratification is a universal need. As they say, life is what happens while you're making other plans, so I suppose you'll just have to focus on what's happening right now. The universe is a cruel master.
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