Day 3 - 16 October 2009

This morning I have had bouts of emotion and the tears just come uninvited. Don't ask me what the fuck I'm crying about, because it is just everything! It feels almost hormonal in nature, like when I was pregnant and cried for things like the picture being crooked or something just as important. I hope I don't get saddled with menopause on top of this - then I will be a real babbling bitch!

My niece is leaving for Miami next week. This should be her time. I was about her age when I went overseas by myself for the first time. It's scary and exciting at the same time, and those butterflies just haven't learnt how to fly in formation because of the anticipation. The worst is, I'm probably going to be in hospital when she leaves. I am so pleased that she inherited her mother's softer traits of kindness and compassion, because that is all she needs to make it in the big wide world.

As this stage, I'm not sure what really comes first - chemo or operation. I hear lots of differing stories from others who have gone before me. As much as I try and make this my experience and not get caught up in what other people have gone through, it is difficult. But then again, I also don't want to avoid thinking about the inevitable. That to me is like doing the ostrich dance which tends to create denial in me. I'm past the naivety of praying for things not to happen when I know they are going to. It just dilutes my faith. Instead my prayers take the shape of giving me strength to handle it. I also know I am never given more than I can handle. I am grateful that I am at this maturity level, because it is easy to get caught up in wanting to blame somebody or something for life being so unfair, and in this type of thing it is always God who seems the appropriate candidate for blame. But this serves nothing besides making me resentful which is an easy way out of trying to shift responsibility to the way forward. I cannot afford to move into the self-pity department because all sorts of trouble can stem from this, especially as I am a recovering addict.

On that note, I wonder if they have strong enough medical drugs to give me, as I can only use certain drugs that won't interfere with my recovery. Oh Lordy Lord!!

Right now, out of everything that I'm going to lose - I think it is my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes that I am going to miss the most, because let's be quite honest - it is just downright freakish!! I'm all for shaving it all off (well 2 inches at first) the minute I start chemo as I don't want to wake up one day with a pillow full of hair - little stubbles will be less traumatic. It is the shiny head look where you can fix your own hair with the mirror effect from my head that is going to be the worst for me. It is also scary for my son. We know because we have been through it with friends and family and Jordan was so wary and confused that he didn't even want to sit next to them at the dinner table. Can you imagine your son being scared of you because of how you look. We are trying to prepare him at the level of his understanding and will continue to do so as more info becomes available, but I know that no matter how much you try and prepare, it is still rather shocking. I wonder what my scalp looks like - I hope there are no dents or overlaps!!

I also don't do wigs, dooks and turbans. So it is going to be bandannas and baseball caps for me. I have an upcoming presentation to a board of directors in December. Oh crap, that's going to be awkward in my frock and baseball cap!!

So I am going to be mistaken for a boy more often than I am now - big deal!! I'm not the most feminine of girls and have been called Sir by petrol attendants on occasion after a short haircut, but even though I'm gay, I am not a butch, dyke, burn-the-bra gay. I like the little bit of femininity I have, so I don't take it as a compliment to be called Sir like some dykes do. This is the main reason I decided to have reconstruction. I am Jordan's MOM and I don't want his friends teasing him about his Dad!! That is just the nasty shit that kids are known to do and it won't be fair on him.

Well today has been a special day as I have just had a friend come around to nurture me with foot massages which was surprisingly gentle (she knows how precious I am in the pain department). But this is just the sort of people I am surrounded by - so aren't I the luckiest person right now. I'm also getting a new laptop from another friend for my hospital days. I wonder if it is pushing it to leave my "wish list" of flat screen TV, etc lying around for all to see?? (.)(.)