Yesterday I finally got clarity. Direction at last. Even though the operation will only be next Tuesday, I feel relieved just with the fact that I know exactly what is going to happen and when.
I had 2 doctor appointments yesterday. The first at 09h30 with the Plastic Surgeon - who is thankfully a woman and knows how to take charge. Then the 14h45 appointment was with both surgeons, so that my PS (plastic surgeon) had the platform TO take charge and see what my survival rate is to go the route she wants to go.
My PS took one look at my breasts and told me straight-up that she couldn't match them 100%. She could try her best, but when I get old ... or fat ... I am going to have one hanging and one perky - no matter how much she tries to lift the left one. She couldn't understand why I have not considered the lumpectomy route as I have enough breast to work with. Now, I'm not sure if I have been misconstruing the information I get from the doctor, but in my mind (and Hil's) it felt like mastectomy was the way to go with a much higher survival rate. Somewhere along the way I heard a 3% return (mastectomy) vs 20% return (lumpectomy). But perhaps I imagined it, because it is not true. I have the same survival rate whichever way I go and it was confirmed at this last meeting.
My mind has been all over the place although also fixed only on one result (survival). I could have thought the doctor said anything just by a change of tone when he mentioned either word. So I am not going to get into any blame shifting here because I am very pleased that I get to keep both my breasts. So it makes things easier for me to imagine I am just going in for a breast reduction and there will be less risk of infection having my own (with no foreign objects in me). God knows that I need to save my immune system for when it is time to face the chemo and not waste it on false boobs. The only difference is I have to now go for radiotherapy on top of chemo for 6 weeks every day - I think that is what I heard. But, I get to keep my boobs - so it is all good. And Jordan is very happy too.
So yesterday I was talking about 13 being lucky for some. You would not believe it, when the PS measured my boob she said 13 ... (probably cm's not inches). Hil and I looked at each other
in disbelief. Not because of the massive size of my breast, but because of my observation of 13. So my "ten ton tessie tassle tossers" saved themselves from having to be cut off. Lucky for some hey ...
It is amazing when I am in a highly emotional state, as I am now, how I might miss some things, (like what the doctor says - but this is only because it is all foreign to me ... you know, those big words) ... but on the other side, how very alert I am in noticing all the synchronicity happening in my life - the number 13 being just one "small" example. I am pleased about this as it opens me up to having something to be grateful for.
It feels like I have surrendered to my fate and accepted it. I believe it is so much easier for God to work with me when I am like this. Many doors have opened for both Hil and I to help with this journey - we are meeting people "by complete coincidence" (although I don't believe in coincidence) who are taking the weight off our shoulders on the work front. It is season time in Cape Town and we are more than ready for it - but with this hiccup we were wondering how to handle it - then along comes someone to make sure we don't miss out on this year's season. Also, some of my tracking studies on the other company are being postponed until next year. Then there are all the people that are coming out of the wood works - even my ex-brother-in-law phoned me last night. It was nice to chat to him and catch up.
So I have a whole week to get my ducks in a row. Get the work sorted for the days I am away, go dancing, shopping, swimming, scootering, beach walking and oh ... did I mention not going anywhere near anything that closely resembles a clinic, hospital or doctors room!! (.)(.)
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It's amazing how much one can relax once you have all the facts. All that waiting around must have driven you up the walls. I can hear that you're sounding much more positive now that you have a clearer idea of what lies ahead. And the synchronicity is AMAZING!! It shows that you're in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. Even the breast cancer is perfectly timed, as odd as that may seem. Now you can just relax and know that everything is going to turn out just perfectly for everybody.
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