Day 7 - 20 October 2009

I am feeling a lot more rested after having a good night's sleep. It did help to break the afternoon nap habit. I'm feeling a little bad about the way I spoke about the doctor on here because after yesterday's appointment, we are now on hugging terms. I wonder if that is a measure of my condition? He treated me like I was the only person who existed yesterday. He gave me all the time I needed for every conceivable question I could think of and he didn't even look at his watch once, even though I knew that we were over my appointment time.

Everything still seems so surreal, it doesn't seem like what is being told to me is actually happening or going to happen. I am wondering if the reality of it all has actually hit me yet. I feel like I am in a movie or something. But the movie never ends as it is the first thing that starts playing when I wake up in the morning. Last night I took a bit of a dip and felt really sad. It is rather exhausting being sad, and the best remedy for me is sleep.

As for the rest of yesterday, it was full of wonderful surprises of phone calls from my sister in Australia and my friend in New Zealand - both of whom I have not spoken to for a while, but I made up for it by spending hours on the phone. So it is hard for me to project into the future when I do want to enjoy my days and their good surprises. This is a good thing, not an avoidance. My recovery programme has taught me the value of one day at a time, and it is carrying me through this. Sometimes I feel that this sudden news of Cancer has put a new perspective on life. For instance, on my way to my meeting, I had the music pumping like I was a teenager, and it gave me this incredible urge to go dancing before I get sick - so hopefully there will be time to do just that. I am experiencing " living in the NOW" and seeing things that I never really noticed before. I am also overwhelmed by the positive comments on here, thanks guys. This is just so you know that they do not go unnoticed, even though I have not commented back.

So the string of events to come is this. For the rest of this week I need to see the plastic surgeon and the oncologist. There appears to be a whole bouquet of options when it comes to choosing a tit. This has put a whole new spin of confusion for me. I come from Zimbabwe where choice was not an option, it was either Sunlight Soap or Sunlight Soap. So choice is not good for me when I have already made up my mind. Then there is learning that there are so many different types of Breast Cancer and the one I have spreads to your body but not the other breast. So it is unlikely that Medical Aid will want to pay for the reconstruction to a healthy boob. In my wildest dreams I never thought I would hear these words come from my mouth "How much cost 1 tit". So there is much to think about, and even though I didn't want to be left with one breast, they have assured me that they can make them look identical and maybe even give the left one a lift :-). So it might even be less traumatic to save one of them. My initial choice was aggressive because I want no chance of recurrence.

As for the oncologist, it seems like a bit of a wasted trip for now, but I need to get a report from them in order to satisfy my Medical Aid who will pay everything 100% - thankfully. The one disturbing fact is that they only really know at what stage my cancer is after I have been opened. The "all-clear" on the X-Rays is the first step, but it is not 100% accurate as X-Rays don't pick up everything. So the oncologist only really gets involved after they take out the cancer and test it. Only then can they determine what strength of chemo I need - it could be anything between 3 months to 2 years (of no hair)!! I am now considering a tattoo - but the stick on ones because I am needle-phobic.

Mastectomy is to be either next Tuesday or Friday - the team still have to synchronize diarys. But my "darling" doctor is arranging everything. One less stress. It is also comforting to find out that my family doctor, who we have been with for 18 years, is going to be 3rd assistant. Chemo will only start about 1 month after surgery, so I have my hair for a good 6 weeks still. I was secretly hoping that if we went Mastectomy first that they would cut out all the Cancer and there would be no need for Chemo - but it is not to be.

The good news is I get to take my niece to the airport on Wednesday and have breakfast with her and I get to go to my son's hip hop concert on Wednesday night. So I am grateful that the op is only next week, but it also shows me how long and drawn out this whole process is going to be. I am not the most patient of people (would that be an oxymoron - the impatient patient) and I also have no tolerance for sickness, so this is going to be a challenge. But like I have said, I am never given more than I can handle. (.)(.)