Day 2 - 15 October 2009

Thought I would try and catch an early night last night and hit the sack 10ish, but it was a false alarm. I tossed and turned for about 30 minutes thinking "OMG I must get all the hugs I can get these next few days from my son because it is going to be sore next week". Infact, anybody who sees me pre-op, please don't forget to "hug a friend today!"

It's amazing the silly thoughts that take up head space. I guess it is because I have become so aware of my boobs lately. They are even more sore since I have been told (so gentle hugs please). I'm not sure if it is psychological or if it is like when you are breast-feeding. Your boobs talk to you and they seem to have their own relationship with baby. They say when it is time to feed. But then again, I could also be pre-menstrual and over dramatising the pain.

So clearly I need to write - I woke up at 04h30 with all these stories in my head. Late nights, early mornings - it's a no wonder I'm getting into the daily habit of needing an afternoon nap. I have joked about milking this for all it's worth (excuse the pun) ... a.k.a. home laziness, but I also know that I can only take it so far with the "can I have some tea please, in bed, coz I am sick you know!". Even though it is a joke and we are trying to humourise our situation, I do know when it is pushing it too far.

I must say, even though I am holding up quite well with attitude, I do feel emotionally and physically exhausted. I refuse to feel guilty about not being as productive as I normally am on the work front. I'm learning flexibility and to ease up on myself if I don't get a full days work done. I need to learn to "BE" more which doesn't necessarily have to include "DO"!

I was talking about my ultimate goal of having a published book. The ideas keep rolling in. I don't necessarily want to write my memoir - this blog is enough about me and my thoughts. I am open to any idea that may come through this experience. It could even come in the form of making the doctor (who was ugly to me) the lead character in a Mills & Boon book. I don't know, perhaps give him an enviable-sized dick or something that he might be lacking now but needs to make up for by thinking it is okay to treat people with the bedside manner of a Nazi!! I think that first day, I cried more about the way he treated me than the actual news he delivered without proper prognosis. But who knows, perhaps he is a player or something because he is extremely good looking and clearly successful, given the amount of patients he had in his waiting room and suddenly I also know of 5 people who have been to him before. So I imagine players don't do lesbians too well - we don't swoon over their Godliness!! My imaginings in the Mills & Boon genre are now about a multi-billionaire who does doctoring for the love of it - and then he sweeps his virgin blushing bride up into his arms and says "Just a minute my love, this patient needs me!!"

It's a known fact that I am not the bravest of people and I have the pain threshold of an ant. I am also known to cry through the fear of pain more than pain itself, sometimes uncontrollably. I try to control it, but it just happens. Even when my family doctor takes blood we have to sing nursery rhymes "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - once I caught a fish alive". I know it is childish, but there you have it. This is probably the main reason why I avoid doctors like the plague.

This first year in my other recovery I decided to face this fear head-on and become more responsible with my health. I was doing really well - the guynie checks, dentists, lump removed from shoulder. I could even do it all on my own, if I wanted to. So I thought I had broken the camels back with this fear. It was all lost thanks to that last biopsy where they stuck the fattest needle (with a blade at the end) in my breast without local anesthetic. I was supposed to have local and was told right up until the needle hit my tittie that it was local - OMG - when he said it was all over, I didn't know whether to kiss or klap him for lying - but I guess that's the best way to treat someone like me.

One good thing, when they told me that it was advisable not to let my partner come in to support me as the sight of it could be disturbing, I selflessly said OK, I'll do it on my own - now that's brave isn't it?? I asked my family doctor at yesterday's visit if we could test my bravery skills by cutting a mole off my eye. "Just sommer cut" I said. I mean, I can't be lying in the hospital bed and everyone sees it when my eye is closed - vain perhaps - but to me it was purely testing bravery skills :-) ..

The fact that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month had nothing to do with my mammogram check-up - it was purely coincidental. I was told the good news though, it went something like this whilst having an ultra-sound - "Oh my, that is big - you do know that you get 10% off all mammograms being Breast Cancer Month". It's like saying - the bad news is we have to cut your tits off, but the good news is you get 10% off!!

Then there is the blame shifting that goes on. When I told them that I was waiting for the guynie appointment before addressing the lump I had detected 2 months prior, you just see the eyebrow raising in that headmistress-ish way. You know what, I can't be blaming myself for leaving it too late. I justify this thought by saying to myself - "if I were the once-a-year mammogram checker, then the lump could have started the day after the check". But hey, it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and from one who never did checks (and never has to again), I am now the front person in the endorsement line of "Have your checks girlfriends" because my way is not recommended. But blaming myself won't do me any good - I am exactly where I am supposed to be - and all I can do is learn from my mistakes and pass on whatever wisdom comes from it.

Even though it is only Day 2, I am getting there one day at a time. Last night's gratitude list (which I do daily) included "nothing medical for next 4 days". It at least gives me a chance to prepare mentally and say goodbye to my titties in my own way!!