There is nothing sweeter than waking up after a good nights sleep, feeling well. It was a scorcher last night, but with the doors wide open allowing the night cool to blow through the room, it is kinda refreshing to wake up at 6am feeling a little chilly.
When I am well and feeling grateful for being well, it is amazing the things I notice. It is quite a weird physical feeling being hairless. We all know what it is like to have that silky smooth feel of a newly shaved leg, but my legs feel so different now. I almost feel every cell on my leg when the wind blows against it. What makes me feel each cell is the odd hair on my leg that has survived the onslaught. It almost stands proud, blowing in the breeze, excited to get noticed.
My skin definitely feels much smoother all around. My nails grow almost before my eyes, I am forever cutting them. The point is ... I FEEL ... the bad and the good. I feel the emotional gloom and doom when I am sick as well as the joy and hope when I am well. I love being well.
I did the deed with my oncologist who surprisingly responded in a professional manner and has moved me over to a new female oncologist who specializes in breast cancer. I have not met her yet, but anything is better than dreading the oncologist consultation as much as the chemo.
Thursday's chemo experience was quite traumatic for me and I am not sure how I am going to face the next 4. I feel that I must be the biggest baby on earth, but I can't help feeling absolutely petrified about the whole thing. It is like the phobia of phobia's kicking in for me. It got to the point that I was telling Hil that I am more frightened of medical stuff than of dying. I have to force myself not to think about it otherwise I already start feeling the panic inside of me. I am seriously considering asking my new oncologist to give me the stats for survival if I had to stop all treatment now, then weigh up the odds.
I know this train of thought scares the shits out of my friends and family, but I have to do what is right for me. My faith is stronger for survival when I am feeling well without poison in me. I really need to pray about this as I feel confused and befucked about the whole thing and I want the decision to come from me and not be advised anymore. I have never felt comfortable with the advice I have gotten up to now and I can't get rid of these nagging doubts of discomfort (.)(.)
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