Chocolate or Vanilla (.)(.)

Phew ... what a ride!! And it ain't no joy-ride either. Apart from my hair growing beautifully, life has been tough for me ... physically, mentally and spiritually.

I should have finished radiation by the 24th, but my oncology unit got flooded out about 2 weeks ago. As a result I missed a few days and was then shipped off to Rondebosch where I have to travel daily until the end of my treatment. With all the World Cup road works, and the occasional downpour of rain, I can never quite judge the traffic properly. I am either 15 minutes early or 10 minutes late.

I saw my oncologist on Wednesday, at my insistence, who has put me on a week's break from radiation because my body, and right boob in particular is rather swollen. A week to heal, then the last leg of 7 days of intensive therapy zoning in where the tumor was.

My right boob and underarm is black ... much like a Zulu tittie ... very appealing. I am totally aware of my boobs all the time. It feels like I am wearing a wire bra that is 2 sizes too small for me. This at a time where I am at the "burn the bra" stage of my treatment. Yep, living up to my sexual orientation.

My skin under my boob has also opened, but they reckon that this will take about 2 weeks to heal after radiation. No different to having severe sunburn. The body is an amazing clinic of its own. It is the lung, muscles, breast tissue and bones that will take a little longer to heal - hence the fatigue I will continue to feel. I'm feeling the lung a bit with a very dry cough and sometimes waking in the middle of the night battling to breathe.

I feel so lost at Rondebosch, it is a new hospital with lots of renovations still happening. It is big and empty and feels like a ghost town. I am usually the only one in the waiting room. Although it is predominantly English, which should make me more comfortable as I can understand what they are saying ... I have to admit that I have gotten more fond of the Afrikaans poppies. I told my oncologist that I was having separation anxiety. She laughed and asked if I felt like a lonely orphan puppy. "I do, I do and I want to come home for some TLC!!" is my response.

My oncologist is the only part of this whole cancer thing that has made my experience remotely tolerable. She makes me feel safe. The one day I was lying on the radiation table and I smelt this awful smell and got the radiographers to wipe down the arm part of the chair. I thought someone had left their sweaty armpit smell there. Later that night, I smelt the same smell and realised it was me. It was not a BO smell, and I have never suffered from BO, it was more like a burnt come soggy, old lady skin smell. And it was only on my right boob and not the left boob. I was terribly embarrassed the next day when I told the radiographers about it, especially when they laughed and said it was because I have not been washing. I am not allowed to rub the area or wash it with soap, but I have been squeezing my sponge over it and having bubble baths to try and get some form of cleaning on it ... twice a day even. So this didn't seem right. The next day I thought ... fuck it ... and washed the whole area thoroughly - and the smell was still there. When I asked my oncologist, she confirmed that it was the dead skin cells that contributed to the smell. At least she didn't laugh. The bathing however did not help as it does keep the skin soft when moisturized by soap or bubble bath which leads to peeling - hence the dead skin cells.

It is hard to tell if the "happy pills" have kicked in with my energy-levels so low, but Hil seems to think I smile a lot more than before. My periods have totally disappeared, a good 3-4 months now, which I am not too unhappy about. I can't say whether the lack of periods is due to menopause or medication as the happy pills might have contributed to me not being bitchy as a sign of one of the symptoms.

Motivation is still at an all time low to get excited about anything. If I didn't have to go in every morning, I'm not sure if I would even have the energy to shower. My hair is getting to the stage where you can tell if I don't shower in the morning. You know that "just shagged" out of bed look - hehe, I wish. The hair is going very curly now. I have little ringlets at the back and wispy fly away sides that is long enough to cover my glasses - just long enough. The brush even makes an impression with any form of styling effort. No fringe yet, but the top of the head is just long enough to hold between 2 fingers. With all this lovely hair growth also comes the shaving and waxing schlep again, and I must say I did enjoy the pain-free "hollywood" while it lasted.

I still need to post photos and will do so as soon as I find what I am looking for in the way of ... yaaaawn ... um ... ja, that!! (.)(.)