Tat one (.) Tat too (.) = Tit4Tat

I went to be measured up yesterday for my radiation. This included having to get 3 tattoos (more needles), which were rather eina. One in the middle of my breast (on the bone), and the other 2 either side of my breast. I also had to see the doctor on duty - which, uncomfortably enough, happened to be the one I fired. It was just a case of casually saying to him "so we meet again". Thankfully he remained professional. Let's just hope he didn't aim for my heart when he told the nurses what to do.

The tattoos are permanent but you can hardly see them as they are just little dots that get lost with the rest of the freckles and scars.

After the measure-up - which took about half an hour as I had to WAIT for the doctor on duty - I was told to go and see the social worker. At her own admission, this was supposed to happen at the start of my treatment. Although she was rather sweet and compassionate, everything she told me was not new as I had already experienced them (feelings, etc). It would have been nice to be warned of them prior to treatment, but then again, at least I know that my feelings were authentic and was not caused by someone putting thoughts in my head.

I was thinking after yesterday's appointments how disappointed I feel the way my treatment has gone when I hear of other people's positive experiences. When I consider whether I may have contributed to the negative experience I had, sure maybe I did in some ways - but I am the most positive person I know going through this, so why didn't I get some of that positivity back?

As for my medical aid ... OMG, what a cocked-up nightmare. All because of the wrong codes being given by oncology. This means that most of my bills are going through daily benefits and not oncology. None of which can be reversed. None of which we would have had the knowledge of without being informed. Now we are only in the month of March with no medical left for physio, Jordan or Hil's monthly medication which costs close to R1500 per month. The upgrade of my medical aid now costing R6000 (from R3200) per month should have covered everything for the rest of the year. Fucking administrative inefficiencies is my absolute worst and an irritation I could really do without!!

My body is taking a bit of flack at the moment - ulcers in the mouth, cold sores up my nose, strange lumps elsewhere, 3 periods in 5 weeks. I am also feeling really tired and down about my energy levels. The social worker did confirm that this will probably go on for a good 6 months after all my treatment (including radiation) because of my body using up all the energy to fight the strange things entering my body. She reckons I should just give myself a break. "Easier said than done, but ... ho hum ... if you insist" she says while contemplating an afternoon nap.

It should take between 7-10 days for them to prep stuff from my measurements before radiation starts. This should take the timing of when I start radiation just before Easter, but I am sure it will be fine to start the whole thing after Easter (around the 6th) as cancer cells are not active during weekends and long weekends. Even though I have given them my preferences of date and times, they decide when (because they are really busy) and will let me know. It will be a daily jol then for the next 7 weeks.

The social worker tells me that I should expect to feel a bit down during this radiation time for various reasons. The schlep of having to come in every day. The fatigue felt because of my body fighting against the radiation. The emotional issues as I now find myself fighting this last leg on my own. The original "hype and scare" everyone felt in the beginning (in case I die I suppose) has definitely died down, which in a way I am grateful for as it takes the scare out for me. Although I cannot deny that I have appreciated the love and support I get, but not having the hype has put my life back on track to being remotely manageable. I never really thought about any of this before she mentioned it, but it is only natural I guess. It is like when someone dies - after all the hype, life goes on ... it is called survival. Life is, after all, meant for living and THE living.

I think about it now because it was only a short 3-4 weeks ago that we experienced it with the suicide of one of our prominent GA members. OMG that really rocked my boat, but now, apart from the odd thought during the day about him, and especially his wife and children, my life has gone on to the extent of almost forgetting about him.

This is why I had said before that I don't do sick for a long time as it actually becomes a bit of a "pain in the arse" for me and those around me. Like "enough already"!! This is probably why I get so frustrated and moan when I am tired, sore, full of sores, etc.

I don't want to put any more strain on anybody than what they are capable of giving. There is only so much compassion one can give before they start resenting the fact that they too have needs. I am not asking for the compassion and can't help that these things (which I clearly moan a lot about) are happening to me. I never considered any of this actually and hate the fact that she put these thoughts in my head because quite frankly I now see it.

She also told me to not take the radiation treatment so lightly as it has been known to be worse for some patients than chemo. This I doubt very much!!

On the upside - my hair is growing - I can feel the wind blow my little hair spikes back and forth. A bit of bum-fluff actually, but there is a distinct black shadow when you look from a distance. Close up looks really funny though as you can see where it is not growing (.)(.)