For the first time in my life, I face the new year with apprehension ... not quite trepidation, as I have no fear for my future. Hold on a minute - could these words have similar meaning??? Oh well, sounds fancy enough.
I say apprehension, because I am definitely not looking forward to chemo and the after effects (if there are going to be any) that is going to take the best part of 2010 from me, but I am quite excited for the new year. I always am. Despite how many times New Years Eve celebrations have resulted in disappointment ... you know where you feel you are going to have the party of your life because "it is compulsory to have fun on New Years Eve". This disappointment however has never waned my anticipation and excitement.
For 2010, I somehow have this "knowing" that all is well and will be the best part of my learning experience that will end well. I'm just not so sure how much of the physical journey I am going to enjoy before I reach that destination. But being open to everything that happens to me (including the pain) puts me on a new level of teaching. We all know that saying "when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive"
KNOWING is so powerful when you realize you have passed the threshold of "hoping".
Because I have spent the last 2.5 months concentrating on ME and MY health, it has put me in that place of appreciation for myself. The place where you can nurture the gift of "self-love". I mean I even have no problem purchasing creams that cost R400 to massage my breasts every morning. But what I am really talking about here is internal self-love where I want to do nice things for myself and stop being so harsh on myself - physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Sadly, I have always had the defect of being egotistical and arrogant - but there is a huge difference with these characteristics and knowing something about yourself that you are truly proud of or can learn to be proud of. Having an ego actually is the complete opposite - to me it shows some kind of insecurity that is trying to be covered up by pig-headed-ness.
My self-love awareness and aim almost feels like a clean slate, a fresh place to start anew ... what a place to be for the start of a new year. One thing I KNOW for sure is that my dreams will definitely come true as I am the creative artist in this thing called MY LIFE, but my HOPE is that everyone I know will experience the same KNOWING where their dreams manifest into reality - and it all starts with YOU. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE (.)(.)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Still here ... with hair
I have not had much to say in these last couple of days simply because there is nothing to say. Life has been good to me and I am really just enjoying the "rest period" that this time of year provides. A time to reflect as well as get bored.
I have not had any urgent feelings of wanting to get ready for the New Year. You know those feelings that come about when we start feeling guilty about too much rest. The feelings that force us to busy ourselves with preparations, goal-setting, new year resolutions. In fact, the goals I set earlier this month for next year are more than likely going to change - but I am in no hurry to commit as to how.
My mom's visit together with not knowing how I would feel after chemo made sure the lack of plans equated to "forced rest". Sure, the normal "cabin-fevered" irritations and arguments have prevailed, but under all of that it has been a time for me to experience many "threshold crossings" in my life. Many of which are happening in the privacy of my thoughts and ... might I add ... being confirmed with a lot of stuff that I am reading. So synchronicity is still a notable factor in my life.
All I can confirm is that I am feeling peaceful and grateful for the journey I have embarked on - and my journey is not only about breast cancer. It has kinda given me the opportunity to experience faith first hand (.)(.)
I have not had any urgent feelings of wanting to get ready for the New Year. You know those feelings that come about when we start feeling guilty about too much rest. The feelings that force us to busy ourselves with preparations, goal-setting, new year resolutions. In fact, the goals I set earlier this month for next year are more than likely going to change - but I am in no hurry to commit as to how.
My mom's visit together with not knowing how I would feel after chemo made sure the lack of plans equated to "forced rest". Sure, the normal "cabin-fevered" irritations and arguments have prevailed, but under all of that it has been a time for me to experience many "threshold crossings" in my life. Many of which are happening in the privacy of my thoughts and ... might I add ... being confirmed with a lot of stuff that I am reading. So synchronicity is still a notable factor in my life.
All I can confirm is that I am feeling peaceful and grateful for the journey I have embarked on - and my journey is not only about breast cancer. It has kinda given me the opportunity to experience faith first hand (.)(.)
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Still a medical miracle
Have had absolutely NO "real" symptoms from the chemo. I also still have all my hair that I was supposed to start losing from day 7 - Friday. I won't be shocked if I still lose it, but I also won't be shocked if I DON'T!!
I have never felt more healthier than I do now. I believe it is a combination of things. The extra bit of healthy food I am feeding my body. The prayers and healing energy sent from around the world. The love and support that I feel from family and friends. My own spiritual, prayer, meditation and visualization stuff I am doing.
I am also enjoying and getting more out of my mom's visit than expected. We talk most nights until early hours of the morning and I have been given a new perspective on how much more she did for us as kids than what I already knew. This is a huge eye opener and blessing to me.
I am under no illusion that things could get worse as I go along, but hey I am enjoying each day as it comes. I also can't wait to hear what the doctors have to say about the symptoms they predicted - that have missed me thus far (.)(.)
I have never felt more healthier than I do now. I believe it is a combination of things. The extra bit of healthy food I am feeding my body. The prayers and healing energy sent from around the world. The love and support that I feel from family and friends. My own spiritual, prayer, meditation and visualization stuff I am doing.
I am also enjoying and getting more out of my mom's visit than expected. We talk most nights until early hours of the morning and I have been given a new perspective on how much more she did for us as kids than what I already knew. This is a huge eye opener and blessing to me.
I am under no illusion that things could get worse as I go along, but hey I am enjoying each day as it comes. I also can't wait to hear what the doctors have to say about the symptoms they predicted - that have missed me thus far (.)(.)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
From the mouth of babes
I had a touch of morning sickness today. I am convinced that it is food related though - after all, I did help my mom cook last night. This does sound a bit "denial-ish", but the fact of the matter is that as fast as it came, after a pill, it went.
So from the mouth of babes. In order to see where Jordan is at with all this, I asked him if he caught a fright when I came into his room.
"Why?" he said.
"Because of my short hair"
"No Mom I didn't catch a fright"
"Does my hair look funny" I pressed
"A little freakish" he casually said with a bit of disinterest as he looked past me to the TV with that "Move" sigh-expression. He must have picked up on that word from a bit of eavesdropping.
"How do you mean freakish?" I asked
"Well, that haircut looks like it belongs on me, not you. Your face is a little big for that haircut, my face is little"
"Oh ... okay then" :-) He really does want that haircut doesn't he.
I've read up on what it must be like for children his age to go through this unwanted experience with a loved one. They simply don't understand it. Even though they might sit with their own little thoughts of confusion of trying to figure things out based on their limited understanding, they can't help but express themselves in that normal 9-year old self-centered way. Not being able to go on a play date, or have that new toy becomes more important to them than what we might be going through. It is not a case of insensitivity, but it is their coping-mechanism to have things normal and understandable.
Thankfully, Jordan is his normal self thus far. His experience has only been based on what we have told him of things to come. Even with this though, I have seen a notable compassion in him. He has always had this quality, but the notability comes with little changes like not being too rough with me when we do the rough-play thing.
Tomorrow is his day. We could not have planned a day any better than having family around for lunch - he just loves it. We should take a leaf out of our children's book by enjoying the most basic of all things - family. Everybody sits with unpredictability for the future, so Christmas to me is a day to just treasure what we have NOW. After all the consumerism that Christmas has become ... doesn't it all boil down to this in the end - enjoying the day with those you love.
I'm not sure when I will post next, but during this time, my thoughts are not only with the people that are with us, but all those who I wish were with us too (.)(.)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
From Grace to Sir
Feeling somewhat naked today - in more ways than one. We did the big haircut thing yesterday. Although we tried to put a bit of style, it ended as a number 2ish haircut in the end. Hil, Jordan and my Mom say they like it, but I can't help wondering if they are just being kind, as I do catch a fright every time I catch a glimpse in the mirror. Sometimes that mirror is not of the glass variety either. I am comforted by Jordan's approval though, because it would be impossible for him to lie via this non-glass mirror.
I guess like most haircuts, I will get used to it in the next few days - but by then, it will be time for it to fall out. It appears to be more emotional for me than I had anticipated. Although I suspect the hair is just the catalyst for this emotion.
Apart from the emotion and the huge fever blisters I now have, there have been no other apparent symptoms. I get fever blisters all the time though, so I am doubting that this is a symptom. I feel sometimes that what I am experiencing (in terms of lack of symptoms) is almost miraculous. I also can't help thinking that maybe it would be easier just to be sick, people would know how to handle and understand it better. But then again, it is not me to just lie down and play dead. I look for the miraculous in everything, even though I don't understand it half the time.
I am so glad that I have another avenue to vent ... my private nightly inventory/journal. I have discovered that most of what I am feeling is based on my own unrealistic expectations. Expectations always end up as disappointment, but it is my own doing. All said and done though, there is always the opportunity for change and growth in times like this. Every disappointment I am experiencing now, I am guessing, has to be part of my healing process.
If I didn't go to that journal last night I would have missed needing to go for my 7-day post-chemo blood test tomorrow.
We were sitting by the pool yesterday morning having our morning tea. Hil was trimming the tree that I was sitting under. Next thing, this pigeon flys straight for my face. My God, if I didn't duck, I would have been Uno-eye. It hit the wall with such impact and fell to the ground. She composed herself and flew off before the dogs realized the game was on. All she was trying to do was protect her nest. Why attack me though, I was doing nothing!! The ferocity of a mother will never cease to amaze me! The bird opened my eyes to it with my own mother and with me as a mother. Sometimes we don't even care or think about hitting that wall with full force when it comes to our children.
It's raining today ... we already did movies yesterday - saw Invictus - Brilliant and a nice dark place to let the tears fall. So today, I'm thinking maybe some indoor games with my boy ... WII, Uno, Puzzles ... perhaps Monopoly (God forbid) - it's Jordan's favorite because he always wins. Jordan just loves having a family and being part of a bigger family other than just Hil and I, so he is very happy to have his Granny here (.)(.)
I guess like most haircuts, I will get used to it in the next few days - but by then, it will be time for it to fall out. It appears to be more emotional for me than I had anticipated. Although I suspect the hair is just the catalyst for this emotion.
Apart from the emotion and the huge fever blisters I now have, there have been no other apparent symptoms. I get fever blisters all the time though, so I am doubting that this is a symptom. I feel sometimes that what I am experiencing (in terms of lack of symptoms) is almost miraculous. I also can't help thinking that maybe it would be easier just to be sick, people would know how to handle and understand it better. But then again, it is not me to just lie down and play dead. I look for the miraculous in everything, even though I don't understand it half the time.
I am so glad that I have another avenue to vent ... my private nightly inventory/journal. I have discovered that most of what I am feeling is based on my own unrealistic expectations. Expectations always end up as disappointment, but it is my own doing. All said and done though, there is always the opportunity for change and growth in times like this. Every disappointment I am experiencing now, I am guessing, has to be part of my healing process.
If I didn't go to that journal last night I would have missed needing to go for my 7-day post-chemo blood test tomorrow.
We were sitting by the pool yesterday morning having our morning tea. Hil was trimming the tree that I was sitting under. Next thing, this pigeon flys straight for my face. My God, if I didn't duck, I would have been Uno-eye. It hit the wall with such impact and fell to the ground. She composed herself and flew off before the dogs realized the game was on. All she was trying to do was protect her nest. Why attack me though, I was doing nothing!! The ferocity of a mother will never cease to amaze me! The bird opened my eyes to it with my own mother and with me as a mother. Sometimes we don't even care or think about hitting that wall with full force when it comes to our children.
It's raining today ... we already did movies yesterday - saw Invictus - Brilliant and a nice dark place to let the tears fall. So today, I'm thinking maybe some indoor games with my boy ... WII, Uno, Puzzles ... perhaps Monopoly (God forbid) - it's Jordan's favorite because he always wins. Jordan just loves having a family and being part of a bigger family other than just Hil and I, so he is very happy to have his Granny here (.)(.)
Monday, December 21, 2009
You may call me Grace
After waking up this morning with no symptoms from the chemo, we reflected on how amazing the latest technologies must be since Hil's sister and Rhona's chemo days. Nausea has not even come into play with me. The conversation between Hil and I went something like this:
"How are you feeling?"
"I feel normal, no symptoms, great actually"
"It's amazing how things have improved since Marcia and Rhona's days"
"I also think I am amazing, don't you?" I said
SILENCE
"Yes" said Hil "Your name should be Grace"
LOL
"In that case, my eyes are a little watery so I won't be able to make tea" I ended wanting to have the last word, as always.
My mouth is very dry but I found a little "popsicle" recipe in that book from Shelley that will alleviate that. It sounds healthy as well as delicious, so I might try my hand at that today. All this water I am drinking makes me feel bloated. I'm back to looking like I am 6 months pregnant.
Check out the small bag of tricks filled with love that I got from Thea - very special.
I think today I am going to go for a spin on my scooter. My boy wants to get his hair cut ... aah no man!! So I might need to do that too. Sandra ... Jordan is doing the Paul Davis thing on me where he pulls his fringe over his eyes and says "look, I can't see".
Then of course, my haircut ... I might put mine off until tomorrow though. I also think that I might just get a very short styled haircut and not the number 2. Just in case this "Amazing Grace" is 1 in a million who doesn't lose her hair - nothing like dreaming hey? (.)(.)
"How are you feeling?"
"I feel normal, no symptoms, great actually"
"It's amazing how things have improved since Marcia and Rhona's days"
"I also think I am amazing, don't you?" I said
SILENCE
"Yes" said Hil "Your name should be Grace"
LOL
"In that case, my eyes are a little watery so I won't be able to make tea" I ended wanting to have the last word, as always.
My mouth is very dry but I found a little "popsicle" recipe in that book from Shelley that will alleviate that. It sounds healthy as well as delicious, so I might try my hand at that today. All this water I am drinking makes me feel bloated. I'm back to looking like I am 6 months pregnant.
Check out the small bag of tricks filled with love that I got from Thea - very special.
I think today I am going to go for a spin on my scooter. My boy wants to get his hair cut ... aah no man!! So I might need to do that too. Sandra ... Jordan is doing the Paul Davis thing on me where he pulls his fringe over his eyes and says "look, I can't see".
Then of course, my haircut ... I might put mine off until tomorrow though. I also think that I might just get a very short styled haircut and not the number 2. Just in case this "Amazing Grace" is 1 in a million who doesn't lose her hair - nothing like dreaming hey? (.)(.)
Sunday, December 20, 2009
DREAMER on the MOUNTAIN = My ORIAH story
Living in Blouberg, which I think directly translates to Blue Mountain from Afrikaans to English kinda makes a nice creative title to how I want to write today's post. And God knows how I need to dream today, and writing is my "feel-better and alive" tool.
I have had no major symptoms from the chemo. A little miffy in the head, but not much more than one normally feels when waking up. My eyes are a little watery, but nothing major. I have the most incredible appetite and am always hungry and thirsty. Must be the steroids. I hope what I take in turns to muscle and not fat ... isn't that what steroids are supposed to do? Somehow I doubt that all the melted cheese I am consuming without exercise will turn to muscle though. I have also started getting that bad taste in the back of my mouth. This is another reason why I like to eat ... it takes that taste away. I am also very conscious when I kiss people "hello or goodbye" that they will smell my bad taste.
I have been extremely weepy and emotional, and I am sure it is too early for the menopause to have kicked in. Just wiping my watery eyes made me suddenly jolt up and think "don't do that, the eyelashes might fall out". I have been told that I more than likely will lose my eyebrows and eyelashes because of the strength of chemo I am on. Hil is the one person who can't hide how she feels to me, so I have told her that I will know how freakish I look just by the look on her face. The pressure, the pressure!!
Anyway back to the story that makes me see what I want to see. The Grace of God. So where did I get to? I was saying that I had only started doing something about my writing aspirations earlier this year. Since I committed to writing, it was almost uncanny, yet totally believable (and now expected) how the synchronicity of events have shown me I was on the right path. The doors kept opening to confirm this.
I’ve been on a formal writing course, did another on my own, have joined a writing circle that came to me quite amazingly. I was thinking one morning to form one and when I got to my office, there was an invitation to join one. Then one day, when I was at my weakest point in my addiction recovery, whilst visiting the Maynard Food Festival (with all the beer tents around), I found a book tent. Out of a million books, I found this one book that was asking to be bought because of its title. It was called "Finding my Gift". I had no idea it was a South African Author, I merely wanted to see different styles of writing. To cut a long story short, within 2 weeks that Author was my writing mentor.
I related this very story to a friend of mine adding at the end - "But you know me, this is a practice run for me – I’m now going to aim higher in terms of mentoring and make contact with my biggest unseen role model – Oriah". Only because I had to do a writing exercise on what impact my favorite author has had on my life.
As things turned out, the SA Author-mentor fell away and Oriah had no electronic presence at the time for me to find her. Except becoming a fan on some Facebook page, which (as I learned from her FB invitation to become her friend) did not belong to her. So it wasn't like a big grandiose thing that Oriah found ME, it was simply an admin error. But isn't that just how God works? The timing couldn't have been more perfect though.
The circumstances are a bit different now. Contact is not on the mentor side, but hey ... who knows what the future holds. Right now, I have had many personal messages from her, she wrote something on her wall about me that created some 50 odd comments around the world of support and prayer, and I feel blessed. That's enough for now considering the seeds I planted earlier this year. And God knew when I would need it most.
Yesterday, our special friend Charlotte, came to wash all my dishes and is now cooking us a sunday roast chicken ... spoilt, spoilt, spoilt I am, I am. And boy is my appetite ripe for it.
To hell with this "hair-emotion". I have decided right now that I am going to have all my hair cut off tomorrow. I will post a picture if it doesn't look too freakish (.)(.)
I have had no major symptoms from the chemo. A little miffy in the head, but not much more than one normally feels when waking up. My eyes are a little watery, but nothing major. I have the most incredible appetite and am always hungry and thirsty. Must be the steroids. I hope what I take in turns to muscle and not fat ... isn't that what steroids are supposed to do? Somehow I doubt that all the melted cheese I am consuming without exercise will turn to muscle though. I have also started getting that bad taste in the back of my mouth. This is another reason why I like to eat ... it takes that taste away. I am also very conscious when I kiss people "hello or goodbye" that they will smell my bad taste.
I have been extremely weepy and emotional, and I am sure it is too early for the menopause to have kicked in. Just wiping my watery eyes made me suddenly jolt up and think "don't do that, the eyelashes might fall out". I have been told that I more than likely will lose my eyebrows and eyelashes because of the strength of chemo I am on. Hil is the one person who can't hide how she feels to me, so I have told her that I will know how freakish I look just by the look on her face. The pressure, the pressure!!
Anyway back to the story that makes me see what I want to see. The Grace of God. So where did I get to? I was saying that I had only started doing something about my writing aspirations earlier this year. Since I committed to writing, it was almost uncanny, yet totally believable (and now expected) how the synchronicity of events have shown me I was on the right path. The doors kept opening to confirm this.
I’ve been on a formal writing course, did another on my own, have joined a writing circle that came to me quite amazingly. I was thinking one morning to form one and when I got to my office, there was an invitation to join one. Then one day, when I was at my weakest point in my addiction recovery, whilst visiting the Maynard Food Festival (with all the beer tents around), I found a book tent. Out of a million books, I found this one book that was asking to be bought because of its title. It was called "Finding my Gift". I had no idea it was a South African Author, I merely wanted to see different styles of writing. To cut a long story short, within 2 weeks that Author was my writing mentor.
I related this very story to a friend of mine adding at the end - "But you know me, this is a practice run for me – I’m now going to aim higher in terms of mentoring and make contact with my biggest unseen role model – Oriah". Only because I had to do a writing exercise on what impact my favorite author has had on my life.
As things turned out, the SA Author-mentor fell away and Oriah had no electronic presence at the time for me to find her. Except becoming a fan on some Facebook page, which (as I learned from her FB invitation to become her friend) did not belong to her. So it wasn't like a big grandiose thing that Oriah found ME, it was simply an admin error. But isn't that just how God works? The timing couldn't have been more perfect though.
The circumstances are a bit different now. Contact is not on the mentor side, but hey ... who knows what the future holds. Right now, I have had many personal messages from her, she wrote something on her wall about me that created some 50 odd comments around the world of support and prayer, and I feel blessed. That's enough for now considering the seeds I planted earlier this year. And God knew when I would need it most.
Yesterday, our special friend Charlotte, came to wash all my dishes and is now cooking us a sunday roast chicken ... spoilt, spoilt, spoilt I am, I am. And boy is my appetite ripe for it.
To hell with this "hair-emotion". I have decided right now that I am going to have all my hair cut off tomorrow. I will post a picture if it doesn't look too freakish (.)(.)
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